Look at me
And listen for a moment
I think we have all come to this
At one point or another
But the fact simply is
Life isn't what most make it out to be
It's a constant challenge.
One where people can lose
And lose badly
Their are no winners
Because we're all destined to the same fate.
But yet
We continue these little sharades
And games
Our minds...
Aren't what they once were
All the innocence...
It's all gone
Why do we continusly let ourselfs
Be tricked and fooled by the same old routines
Nothing stays for long
Nothing is permanent
Things change
And I'm pretty sure that by now,
We all hate that extremly
Well this is what I have to say..
Forget it.
Cause now,
I'm awake.
I'm me.
And nothings going to change the one person I trust
He knows who he is
And it's going to stay that way
I have good friends by my side sure
But he's my best.
I'm done living up to what people expect
So with this I say to you
I'm done.
Friday, February 4, 2011
"Forever Gone"-Me (November 28)
Let me just begin with saying
I have changed
That part was true
But apparently
Not much else was
You left me
But I get all the blame
In your eyes
And even your pathetic mind
I can't believe
Or think back to anything
Good I saw in a person like you
You've lied through your teeth
You've lied through your promises
And you played with my emotions
I trusted you
And it's because I did
That the truth eventually came out
Was I honestly a puppet?
Why did I keep it up?
I played your little games
I listened and believe everything you said
Sure we had our ups & downs
But in the end
At that time anyway,
We always went back to ok
But count up those times
I shouldve woke up sooner
A lot sooner
I can't believe how naive I was
To even get close to a person
You now show yourself to be
Hypocrtical
Lying
Depressing
Attention Seeking
Clueless
Fake.
I can't believe I finally woke up
Even with your apologizes
Which were simply skin deep
No emotion behind them
You really should go into acting
Cause you'd be perfect
A great preformance
But nothing else but a preformance
I hope you fucking know
You've replaced the one person I hate
Yea, congradulations
I'm forever gone.
I have changed
That part was true
But apparently
Not much else was
You left me
But I get all the blame
In your eyes
And even your pathetic mind
I can't believe
Or think back to anything
Good I saw in a person like you
You've lied through your teeth
You've lied through your promises
And you played with my emotions
I trusted you
And it's because I did
That the truth eventually came out
Was I honestly a puppet?
Why did I keep it up?
I played your little games
I listened and believe everything you said
Sure we had our ups & downs
But in the end
At that time anyway,
We always went back to ok
But count up those times
I shouldve woke up sooner
A lot sooner
I can't believe how naive I was
To even get close to a person
You now show yourself to be
Hypocrtical
Lying
Depressing
Attention Seeking
Clueless
Fake.
I can't believe I finally woke up
Even with your apologizes
Which were simply skin deep
No emotion behind them
You really should go into acting
Cause you'd be perfect
A great preformance
But nothing else but a preformance
I hope you fucking know
You've replaced the one person I hate
Yea, congradulations
I'm forever gone.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I've Told You...
After last night, I've told you it all.
All of my emotions
All of my distress
Even with help from everyone else
I still can't completly let you go
You've caused me so much crap
So much stress
Your the reason
I can get so upset
So depressed.
I want to say I don't care what you say
About me
To me
Or for me even
But I can't
Not without lying
I can say
That I did love you
And that I truly never knew
What hate was before you
I used it way to often
Without even knowing
The true extent
That it can get.
You dumped me
Both of the times
And yet to this day
Or at least yesterday
I've gotten all of the crap
From everyone
From you
And even myself
I cant believe what has happened
I cant believe what I've done
I've become the oppposite
And I hate to admit it
Yea I have said I've changed
But I admit less then I should
It's because of you
That I'm scared.
I'm scared to be real
I'm scared to be in another "real"
Relationship.
I've had my fair share
Of bad boyfriends
But you,
You just ruined it.
I don't even say love.
Not more then a friend
It's because of you,
That when I look through old pictures
Of us from last year,
Or even summer,
I break down and cry.
It's because of you,
That I've become this
This...this shell
I hate it
And I hope you know
This all.
Cause from now on
I know the truth
Your fucking nothing.
And you diserve exactly that...
All of my emotions
All of my distress
Even with help from everyone else
I still can't completly let you go
You've caused me so much crap
So much stress
Your the reason
I can get so upset
So depressed.
I want to say I don't care what you say
About me
To me
Or for me even
But I can't
Not without lying
I can say
That I did love you
And that I truly never knew
What hate was before you
I used it way to often
Without even knowing
The true extent
That it can get.
You dumped me
Both of the times
And yet to this day
Or at least yesterday
I've gotten all of the crap
From everyone
From you
And even myself
I cant believe what has happened
I cant believe what I've done
I've become the oppposite
And I hate to admit it
Yea I have said I've changed
But I admit less then I should
It's because of you
That I'm scared.
I'm scared to be real
I'm scared to be in another "real"
Relationship.
I've had my fair share
Of bad boyfriends
But you,
You just ruined it.
I don't even say love.
Not more then a friend
It's because of you,
That when I look through old pictures
Of us from last year,
Or even summer,
I break down and cry.
It's because of you,
That I've become this
This...this shell
I hate it
And I hope you know
This all.
Cause from now on
I know the truth
Your fucking nothing.
And you diserve exactly that...
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Go Ahead.
Go ahead and say you hate me. Go and tell the world how I ruined you. I fucking double dare you too. You're a ball-less little piece of insignificant crap and I really can care less what happens to you now. Jackass. I've had countless people hate me, diss me, and do tons of other shit. Yea it bothered me. Yea it bugged me. But you sir' are nothing. Just leave. You're nothing to me now. And you never, ever will be again.
I'm different, I've changed. I won't let guys like you get to me anymore god dammit. Fuck you.
I'm different, I've changed. I won't let guys like you get to me anymore god dammit. Fuck you.
Friday, January 21, 2011
It's Real. Believe me...
Tonight I've helped yet another truly close friend of mine through extremly tough times for them. I love this dude as much as someone can love their close friends. <3 And I'm never going to ditch or leave him after everything that has gone down tonight.
Yes the phone call was a surprise to me, but the reasoning behind it was nothing new. I knew the minute I heard him speak to me on it that somethings not right.
And boy was I right.
I have to say something...
I've been through this way to many times
With way to many people I care deeply for/about...
Suicide.Is.Real.
And it's scary.
Being suicidal doesn't mean you're stupid
Doesn't make you an outcast
It doesn't mean you're not human.
All it is,
Is your mind reacting in the best way it figures
But thing is,
It's not at all the best solution to you're problems.
It hurts not just yourself
But the people that love you.
And some may say,
"No one truly loves me though"
Thats just about as true as the statment
"When pigs fly"
In this world,
Everyone has at least 1 person who loves/cares for them
Everyone.
My poem
"We Are Mario"
Kind of explains some of it..
But unless you've been there..
I don't know how I'd explain it to someone like you..
Just please.
If you know someone like I'm talking about in this post.
Help them out.
Talk, Listen, Care about. Do something. But nothing that would avert or grab attention towards them.
Believe me,
Its the last thing they'd truly want..
Yes the phone call was a surprise to me, but the reasoning behind it was nothing new. I knew the minute I heard him speak to me on it that somethings not right.
And boy was I right.
I have to say something...
I've been through this way to many times
With way to many people I care deeply for/about...
Suicide.Is.Real.
And it's scary.
Being suicidal doesn't mean you're stupid
Doesn't make you an outcast
It doesn't mean you're not human.
All it is,
Is your mind reacting in the best way it figures
But thing is,
It's not at all the best solution to you're problems.
It hurts not just yourself
But the people that love you.
And some may say,
"No one truly loves me though"
Thats just about as true as the statment
"When pigs fly"
In this world,
Everyone has at least 1 person who loves/cares for them
Everyone.
My poem
"We Are Mario"
Kind of explains some of it..
But unless you've been there..
I don't know how I'd explain it to someone like you..
Just please.
If you know someone like I'm talking about in this post.
Help them out.
Talk, Listen, Care about. Do something. But nothing that would avert or grab attention towards them.
Believe me,
Its the last thing they'd truly want..
I'll call him adorable
And he'll say thanks
I'll call him a cutie
And he'll say Im lying
I'll say he's a sweetheart
and he'll simply smile and say shucks.
I'll always be there whenever he needs me
I'll always talk to him throughout the day
And my friends will always say how we should date...
But come yesterday...
I'll help him for his next date.
And he'll say thanks
I'll call him a cutie
And he'll say Im lying
I'll say he's a sweetheart
and he'll simply smile and say shucks.
I'll always be there whenever he needs me
I'll always talk to him throughout the day
And my friends will always say how we should date...
But come yesterday...
I'll help him for his next date.
It's just....(Oh how many times I've heard people say this..)
Why is that I always rush into things...
That I always "think ahead"...
I always think something
Thats completly wrong?
It's just how I've become to be I guess...
Why is that I fall so quickly
For someone who I think is perfect
And even if he isn't...
I make it seem like he is...
It's just how I make things look I guess...
I know it's only been awhile
And that you think of me as a sweetheart.
But I see you as more
A lot more to be true...
But why is that....
I'm not like that to you?
I guesss....It's just....
The place of the "sister" role...
All over again....
That I always "think ahead"...
I always think something
Thats completly wrong?
It's just how I've become to be I guess...
Why is that I fall so quickly
For someone who I think is perfect
And even if he isn't...
I make it seem like he is...
It's just how I make things look I guess...
I know it's only been awhile
And that you think of me as a sweetheart.
But I see you as more
A lot more to be true...
But why is that....
I'm not like that to you?
I guesss....It's just....
The place of the "sister" role...
All over again....
Thursday, January 20, 2011
"We Are Mario" :Me
Where will we go now?
Where will this go now?
On this path of self destruction...
Of loose insanity.
"Opportunities Knocking!"
But can we all even answer?
This is like a game of Mario
Cement blocks, obsticles, and others,
All in the way.
What do you do
With only a single life left?
When that life,
Isn't even yours...
This game of life thats on "play"
Has no pause,
No Rewind,
And no fast-forwarding a level.
Only a begining and an end,
With a journey in between.
I love you half to death...
So please,
For me,
Keep playing.
Where will this go now?
On this path of self destruction...
Of loose insanity.
"Opportunities Knocking!"
But can we all even answer?
This is like a game of Mario
Cement blocks, obsticles, and others,
All in the way.
What do you do
With only a single life left?
When that life,
Isn't even yours...
This game of life thats on "play"
Has no pause,
No Rewind,
And no fast-forwarding a level.
Only a begining and an end,
With a journey in between.
I love you half to death...
So please,
For me,
Keep playing.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Well lets see....
1) I broke it off with Freshman cause it just wasn't working out. I have a lot of shi going on right now regarding my health and grades and fencing and family. I just don't need the added stress. Also, figure that the feelings started to fade quite a bit just within two weeks cause of just too much in so little time. Im not use to it and I don't want to be. I cant handle the over-protectiveness or the clinginess or just...gah! I just couldn't do it anymore...
Don't get me wrong though. I did care for him. Not once did I only use him. Never would I have ever done that to an innocent kid like him. He's too sweet for that, believe me. I know I hurt him but he's an amazing guy...he'll be fine given some time to cool off again. We both need space, otherwise nothing will change. We need to grow apart.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2) Other then that going on, I have my head & back. Fun! -_-' I even hadda skip practice and start being on Tylenol and Advil and Asprin cause of everything..I know I know. I've complained about it for awhile, but I finnally said something about it. And it just keeps getting worse... =\ I fucking hate it...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3) No ps3 for awhile. Not till my day long headaches subside for awhile...I know I have to check something but honestly, it can wait. I want to fix my friendships, but even that can take a break. I needa focus on my health first...cause untill I straigten that shit out, Im gonna have an even harder time with grades & fencing. And I mean really, if either of them wanted to be my friends, they'd know how to reach me & tell me otherwise. Texting, facebook or in person if not through a gaming system...
1) I broke it off with Freshman cause it just wasn't working out. I have a lot of shi going on right now regarding my health and grades and fencing and family. I just don't need the added stress. Also, figure that the feelings started to fade quite a bit just within two weeks cause of just too much in so little time. Im not use to it and I don't want to be. I cant handle the over-protectiveness or the clinginess or just...gah! I just couldn't do it anymore...
Don't get me wrong though. I did care for him. Not once did I only use him. Never would I have ever done that to an innocent kid like him. He's too sweet for that, believe me. I know I hurt him but he's an amazing guy...he'll be fine given some time to cool off again. We both need space, otherwise nothing will change. We need to grow apart.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2) Other then that going on, I have my head & back. Fun! -_-' I even hadda skip practice and start being on Tylenol and Advil and Asprin cause of everything..I know I know. I've complained about it for awhile, but I finnally said something about it. And it just keeps getting worse... =\ I fucking hate it...
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3) No ps3 for awhile. Not till my day long headaches subside for awhile...I know I have to check something but honestly, it can wait. I want to fix my friendships, but even that can take a break. I needa focus on my health first...cause untill I straigten that shit out, Im gonna have an even harder time with grades & fencing. And I mean really, if either of them wanted to be my friends, they'd know how to reach me & tell me otherwise. Texting, facebook or in person if not through a gaming system...
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
This is what My mind is..
I know what I did was harsh
I know how I treated you was never right
Not from the start
I was never right
Then again when am I?
I'm seen so differently then what I see
Whenever I happen to look in a mirror
I wish you could see how I see things
I wish you
Might hear everything like me
Maybe then
Just maybe you would
Truly understand me
Not for what I've been
Not for what I could've done
And definatly not for what I have been through
Its honestly true
Everyones life
Is their own story
How do you think they all end?
Not everyones has magical fairy tales
I think looking around
Thats pretty dammed evident
I can't believe some of the shit I've done
And I really wish I didn't see something that I have
I wish memories washed away easily
Some of them at least
Just some
Three words
Just three
Have so much meaning behind them
And so many different iterpritations
It's incredable really
How could you abuse them?
I look back and tremble
I hide behind a meer shadow
A fucking shadow...
And when I pop my head around its barrier
I drop
And I cry...
I can't believe all of this.
I just cant...
What could I have done
What could anyone have done
To diserve this
To make these kinds of humans
Our own flesh and blood...
Mixed together over time
To create monsters
Our Minds.
Our Hearts.
Our Souls.
All are simple tools...
To complexly made...
By what?
Some say god,
Others say science...
I don't truly see a side to belive in completly..
But whichever it might be..
We're only to blame...
Everyone
Every single someone
Even the no-bodies
Diserve to know
That their not alone
No one ever truly is
Your own story
Is exactly that
Your's.
Everyone has layers to them
1- Top: Protective layer & Usually a fake or altered form of them
2- A shield
3- Middle: The shadow they use to see through. Usually knowing their wrong for doing so. But can't stop...
4- Them: Crying in the mere ideas their fake self has done..
This
This is our reality now...
No way around this bend..
But turn around..
Who's at your shoulder?
A friend.
One friend.
Two?
Now you know why you're here..
I know how I treated you was never right
Not from the start
I was never right
Then again when am I?
I'm seen so differently then what I see
Whenever I happen to look in a mirror
I wish you could see how I see things
I wish you
Might hear everything like me
Maybe then
Just maybe you would
Truly understand me
Not for what I've been
Not for what I could've done
And definatly not for what I have been through
Its honestly true
Everyones life
Is their own story
How do you think they all end?
Not everyones has magical fairy tales
I think looking around
Thats pretty dammed evident
I can't believe some of the shit I've done
And I really wish I didn't see something that I have
I wish memories washed away easily
Some of them at least
Just some
Three words
Just three
Have so much meaning behind them
And so many different iterpritations
It's incredable really
How could you abuse them?
I look back and tremble
I hide behind a meer shadow
A fucking shadow...
And when I pop my head around its barrier
I drop
And I cry...
I can't believe all of this.
I just cant...
What could I have done
What could anyone have done
To diserve this
To make these kinds of humans
Our own flesh and blood...
Mixed together over time
To create monsters
Our Minds.
Our Hearts.
Our Souls.
All are simple tools...
To complexly made...
By what?
Some say god,
Others say science...
I don't truly see a side to belive in completly..
But whichever it might be..
We're only to blame...
Everyone
Every single someone
Even the no-bodies
Diserve to know
That their not alone
No one ever truly is
Your own story
Is exactly that
Your's.
Everyone has layers to them
1- Top: Protective layer & Usually a fake or altered form of them
2- A shield
3- Middle: The shadow they use to see through. Usually knowing their wrong for doing so. But can't stop...
4- Them: Crying in the mere ideas their fake self has done..
This
This is our reality now...
No way around this bend..
But turn around..
Who's at your shoulder?
A friend.
One friend.
Two?
Now you know why you're here..
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Whats new?
Continuing off of the last post regarding my new years resolution to amend old friendships, it's gone pretty good I guess. The only down side is that, combining it with everything else going on right now, and the fact that one of the "Amends" I'm trying, isn't exactly working out so well. it's stressful. Kyles pretty much the only one who hasn't responded to me yet and I've wrote out everything I've felt regarding him, me and everything. Reasons I wanna be friends again and all. And still nothing...I spoke to Darien about it to. He asked Lopez to speak to Kyle about speaking to me again. And since then, not a word about the subject from him. But I have quit bugging Kyle about it. I can sorta take a hint....just the reasoning bothers me...
Anywayz, Fencing (Girls' Team) won our first Meet this year! Against Fairlawn too. =] Me & Kiara got our Varsity patch to. It helped me to actually smile after everything that went down after lunch...mainly dad but still.
And I'm having doubts regarding me & Freshman.....I really don't see "us" going anywhere...it's kind of a big bother now actually.... =\
Anywayz, Fencing (Girls' Team) won our first Meet this year! Against Fairlawn too. =] Me & Kiara got our Varsity patch to. It helped me to actually smile after everything that went down after lunch...mainly dad but still.
And I'm having doubts regarding me & Freshman.....I really don't see "us" going anywhere...it's kind of a big bother now actually.... =\
Sunday, January 2, 2011
For A First: A New Year's Resolution.
I've never actually made a true new years resolution before to be honest. Yea, those little kid ones you hear about in school. Thos for good tidings and cheer and all of that honest to god bullcrap stuff we learn about when we're young. Usually I say I don't make them because I wouldn't remember them, which is true. But with this, I'm gonna actually try to mend and keep.
My Resolution is to mend/fix/repair/re-create most of the friendships I've had that I today wish I still had.
-Kyles
-Blakes
-Keps
-Dustin
-Christine
And also to not be so hostile and rude to those who may have ruined my middle school fun&memories, but to let go and move on. Not be rude because of minor past drama bs. Let time go and just enjoy it. Ya know?
So lets see where this goes....1st one on the list? Kyle...
My Resolution is to mend/fix/repair/re-create most of the friendships I've had that I today wish I still had.
-Kyles
-Blakes
-Keps
-Dustin
-Christine
And also to not be so hostile and rude to those who may have ruined my middle school fun&memories, but to let go and move on. Not be rude because of minor past drama bs. Let time go and just enjoy it. Ya know?
So lets see where this goes....1st one on the list? Kyle...
Sunday, December 26, 2010
My Best Friend.Ever.
I know I've made my fair share of mistakes, I've probably taken him for granted a few times, I've probably treated him like shit more then once, and I can be just a flat out bitch without warning or true reason. But he, he's still there. And I hope that he always will be. <3
The shit that most people say they would do with a time machine is nothing for me. I'd honestly just go back to my 8th grade year. Simply so I'd be able to hangout with this kid as much as I wish I could now. Any mood, I'd simply be able to run over to his house, hangout & talk. And everything would be ok for the time being. I just really miss those days is all.
I'm so glad I did one smart thing in my past at least and thats chose him over Emily. And the fact he let me talk to him about everything they said that day to me, was amazing. It really meant a lot to me. And it made me give him A LOT of respect. I learned what a real friend is because of him. And how to ditch the fake failures who called themselves friends. He's taught me a lot more since then too. (:
I guess, all-in-all, theres really only one big thing I look forward too. Well, two techinocoly. (Yes, I can't spell.) And thats:
1) Him visiting again this summer =]
2) MY trip to see him after senior year for the whole damn summer. <3
He's the best person in my life. Wheather I have a boyfriend or not. He's #1 and always will be. =]
Monday, December 20, 2010
Freakin' Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring
This kid is seriously amazing. Honestly. We all hungout yesterday at the mall. Tom, Me, Darien, Niko and his current girlfriend Rachel. Yea, it might've not have been my best idea ever inviting Niko and Tom but it wasn't all bad. Cause once Darien left around 4 and Niko not to shortly after with Rachel, it was just me & him. =] We ended up going back to my house and just hanging out. We got to learn a lot about each other too. We got to just hangout in my room and watch TV on my bed cuddling and stuff. We talked about our pasts a bit and we told each other most of our honest feelings.
I said "Just to think, Darien's hypothetical questions became real"
He said "Yea" and smiles, resting his head on my pillow looking over at me.
I said "I have a question though" and look over eagerly
He says "Yes?"
I ask "If it weren't for Darien, would you have eventually asked me? Or no?" and lay my head down beside his.
He replies "Eventually yea.." and looks up at the ceiling.
I ask "How long would it have taken? I'm just really curious"
He says "Probably awhile....like February? Yea probably.." and smiles looking back down at me.
I ask quickly "So you liked me before?"
He says "Yea" and blushes
I said happily "I've liked you for awhile too" and hide my face in the pillow blushing.
He looks over, tilts my head back to look at his and kisses me, "I love you now though" and holds me close.
He really, honestly is perfect. Yea our pasts aren't the bests but our futures are extremely bright now as long as we have each other. We have everything in each other. And no matter who you are, you must know me if you're reading this. And you KNOW I'm not one to easily say that. I'm | | that close to saying that I love him. And thats just not something I'm use to. At all. It's just that, he really knows how to make me smile and laugh and just feel special. I feel unbelievable when I'm near him, let alone with him having his arms around me. I love this, and I think I love him. <3
I said "Just to think, Darien's hypothetical questions became real"
He said "Yea" and smiles, resting his head on my pillow looking over at me.
I said "I have a question though" and look over eagerly
He says "Yes?"
I ask "If it weren't for Darien, would you have eventually asked me? Or no?" and lay my head down beside his.
He replies "Eventually yea.." and looks up at the ceiling.
I ask "How long would it have taken? I'm just really curious"
He says "Probably awhile....like February? Yea probably.." and smiles looking back down at me.
I ask quickly "So you liked me before?"
He says "Yea" and blushes
I said happily "I've liked you for awhile too" and hide my face in the pillow blushing.
He looks over, tilts my head back to look at his and kisses me, "I love you now though" and holds me close.
He really, honestly is perfect. Yea our pasts aren't the bests but our futures are extremely bright now as long as we have each other. We have everything in each other. And no matter who you are, you must know me if you're reading this. And you KNOW I'm not one to easily say that. I'm | | that close to saying that I love him. And thats just not something I'm use to. At all. It's just that, he really knows how to make me smile and laugh and just feel special. I feel unbelievable when I'm near him, let alone with him having his arms around me. I love this, and I think I love him. <3
Saturday, December 18, 2010
You can call me many names
You can tell me many things
You can do many things to me
Doesn't mean they'll have any meaning behind them
And it's simply because they don't
That I can say I don't care
So honestly dear.
I'm so much happier right now then I've been in awhile.
So If you may,
Please.
Just go away
And leave me be.
I'm better off
With someone who both means what they say
And say what they mean.
Specially if they mean something to me too.
Unlike you.
<3
You can tell me many things
You can do many things to me
Doesn't mean they'll have any meaning behind them
And it's simply because they don't
That I can say I don't care
So honestly dear.
I'm so much happier right now then I've been in awhile.
So If you may,
Please.
Just go away
And leave me be.
I'm better off
With someone who both means what they say
And say what they mean.
Specially if they mean something to me too.
Unlike you.
<3
He's My Reality Now =]♥
He says "Im sorry if I say that I love you to much or if Im to possesive. Just tell me and I'll tone it down"
I tell him "No honestly. It's cute. I don't mind it. Believe me" and smile.
He says "I only say it cause I really do mean it. I do love you." and kisses my head.
I tell him "I know boo. And I will say it when I really know I can mean it too."
He says "You've been hurt a lot havn't you? Thats why you don't say it so soon."
I say "Yea. I have. But I don't think it'll happen with you."
He says "I know it wont." and holds me.
I really can't believe it's less then a week with him, and how amazing he already is. Sure he's only a freshman but he's 15. And he's mine and makes me feel real. A lot more then most can. I feel really lucky to be with someone like him. I really, really do. =] I'm unbelieveably happy when I'm near him. And with him by my side, I'll always know that Im safe. He stands up for me against anyone. Something no other boyfriend of mine ever did truly. (: And we're not rushing stuff either. We've only started to kiss and those aren't too common. I love how this is working out. And I think it won't be too long before I can say I love him. But when I do say it to him, I'll really mean it.
As for every other one of my daily creepers saying it to me, just stop. I'm finally happy. Now go away. <3
I tell him "No honestly. It's cute. I don't mind it. Believe me" and smile.
He says "I only say it cause I really do mean it. I do love you." and kisses my head.
I tell him "I know boo. And I will say it when I really know I can mean it too."
He says "You've been hurt a lot havn't you? Thats why you don't say it so soon."
I say "Yea. I have. But I don't think it'll happen with you."
He says "I know it wont." and holds me.
I really can't believe it's less then a week with him, and how amazing he already is. Sure he's only a freshman but he's 15. And he's mine and makes me feel real. A lot more then most can. I feel really lucky to be with someone like him. I really, really do. =] I'm unbelieveably happy when I'm near him. And with him by my side, I'll always know that Im safe. He stands up for me against anyone. Something no other boyfriend of mine ever did truly. (: And we're not rushing stuff either. We've only started to kiss and those aren't too common. I love how this is working out. And I think it won't be too long before I can say I love him. But when I do say it to him, I'll really mean it.
As for every other one of my daily creepers saying it to me, just stop. I'm finally happy. Now go away. <3
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
This post, isn't like the rest. I'm not exactly myself and im letting my mind do all the thinking and all the typing.
All I can really say is that what im doing isnt the right thing and i know it isnt. but i continue to go with the flow and i cant handle everything. im trying to be tougher then i usually show myself to be by keeping stuff inside and im learning the hard way that doesnt work very well. i cant do everything im expected. i cant do everything i want. i dont have true control over have th stuff i end up to do. I dont know what it is but I do it anyway. dont get me wrong, its nothing along the lines of what ur probably thinking but its not too far off. I think to myself and there are different "voices" sorta speak, in my head and mind.its not a true sickness only a mess of ones mind. and sure i usually say Im not in the right mind bu when i say that now, i mean it. i dont gety much. Imma mess. But I try to help everyone and right now, thats crashing in on me. I guess some of you will say that it's what I diserve but I actually agree. I want something to happen with a certain person, but im pushing along that and another. idk what to do at this point. I know i shouldnt complain of my own personal problems. and that many people, many that i even know of, have way bigger issues. ive been through hell in my opinion and I dont want peoples sympathy. its the 1 thing i loathe. sure it feels good but it does eat away at a person inner mind of their soul. And by this point, I dont have much of sucha soul left to eat away at. one of these days, i know whats gonna happen. Im gonna end up crawling back to the person and shell i use to hide in/behind. And Im going to regret it...
All I can really say is that what im doing isnt the right thing and i know it isnt. but i continue to go with the flow and i cant handle everything. im trying to be tougher then i usually show myself to be by keeping stuff inside and im learning the hard way that doesnt work very well. i cant do everything im expected. i cant do everything i want. i dont have true control over have th stuff i end up to do. I dont know what it is but I do it anyway. dont get me wrong, its nothing along the lines of what ur probably thinking but its not too far off. I think to myself and there are different "voices" sorta speak, in my head and mind.its not a true sickness only a mess of ones mind. and sure i usually say Im not in the right mind bu when i say that now, i mean it. i dont gety much. Imma mess. But I try to help everyone and right now, thats crashing in on me. I guess some of you will say that it's what I diserve but I actually agree. I want something to happen with a certain person, but im pushing along that and another. idk what to do at this point. I know i shouldnt complain of my own personal problems. and that many people, many that i even know of, have way bigger issues. ive been through hell in my opinion and I dont want peoples sympathy. its the 1 thing i loathe. sure it feels good but it does eat away at a person inner mind of their soul. And by this point, I dont have much of sucha soul left to eat away at. one of these days, i know whats gonna happen. Im gonna end up crawling back to the person and shell i use to hide in/behind. And Im going to regret it...
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
It was only just a dream...
It's Tuesday, second day of fencing practice and of morning HSPA classes. Also the very last day of November. And things are all ready getting outta hand...
Me & Freshman have actually hungout this past weekend with Darien. And it honestly was amazing. Put me in one of the better moods I've been in lately and helped me think that I actually have a chance with him. Darien's the only one I truly keep up-to-date on this with details and stuff but cha. Darien's trying to help me with him.
I've started talking to Kep again. It's been 2-3 days and it's already like o.o and yeaaaa....
I forgave him for his past. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold many grudges to anyone if I can help it. But he's kinda acting like he use to with me before. Just....without Joe being there to interfere and "claim" me. I don't know what to believe. I do like him, not to much, but very slightly. It's just the fact of past shit he's done and what I know could happen I guess. I don't know what to do. I'm going to try to stick with Freshman for now and hope it works out. But at this point, I really don't know what to expect. And it kinda scares me...
Does/will Freshman actually like me?
Do I even how a chance?
If not, what about Kep?
Will I end up with him?
What would happen?
What'll people think?
Will it be worth it?
Stay tuned to find out...
Me & Freshman have actually hungout this past weekend with Darien. And it honestly was amazing. Put me in one of the better moods I've been in lately and helped me think that I actually have a chance with him. Darien's the only one I truly keep up-to-date on this with details and stuff but cha. Darien's trying to help me with him.
I've started talking to Kep again. It's been 2-3 days and it's already like o.o and yeaaaa....
I forgave him for his past. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold many grudges to anyone if I can help it. But he's kinda acting like he use to with me before. Just....without Joe being there to interfere and "claim" me. I don't know what to believe. I do like him, not to much, but very slightly. It's just the fact of past shit he's done and what I know could happen I guess. I don't know what to do. I'm going to try to stick with Freshman for now and hope it works out. But at this point, I really don't know what to expect. And it kinda scares me...
Does/will Freshman actually like me?
Do I even how a chance?
If not, what about Kep?
Will I end up with him?
What would happen?
What'll people think?
Will it be worth it?
Stay tuned to find out...
Sunday, November 28, 2010
"Forever Gone" - Me
Let me just begin with saying
I have changed
That part was true
But apparently
Not much else was
You left me
But I get all the blame
In your eyes
And even your pathetic mind
I can't believe
Or think back to anything
Good I saw in a person like you
You've lied through your teeth
You've lied through your promises
And you played with my emotions
I trusted you
And it's because I did
That the truth eventually came out
Was I honestly a puppet?
Why did I keep it up?
I played your little games
I listened and believe everything you said
Sure we had our ups & downs
But in the end
At that time anyway,
We always went back to ok
But count up those times
I shouldve woke up sooner
A lot sooner
I can't believe how naive I was
To even get close to a person
You now show yourself to be
Hypocrtical
Lying
Depressing
Attention Seeking
Clueless
Fake.
I can't believe I finally woke up
Even with your apologizes
Which were simply skin deep
No emotion behind them
You really should go into acting
Cause you'd be perfect
A great preformance
But nothing else but a preformance
I hope you fucking know
You've replaced the one person I hate
Yea, congradulations
I'm forever gone.
I have changed
That part was true
But apparently
Not much else was
You left me
But I get all the blame
In your eyes
And even your pathetic mind
I can't believe
Or think back to anything
Good I saw in a person like you
You've lied through your teeth
You've lied through your promises
And you played with my emotions
I trusted you
And it's because I did
That the truth eventually came out
Was I honestly a puppet?
Why did I keep it up?
I played your little games
I listened and believe everything you said
Sure we had our ups & downs
But in the end
At that time anyway,
We always went back to ok
But count up those times
I shouldve woke up sooner
A lot sooner
I can't believe how naive I was
To even get close to a person
You now show yourself to be
Hypocrtical
Lying
Depressing
Attention Seeking
Clueless
Fake.
I can't believe I finally woke up
Even with your apologizes
Which were simply skin deep
No emotion behind them
You really should go into acting
Cause you'd be perfect
A great preformance
But nothing else but a preformance
I hope you fucking know
You've replaced the one person I hate
Yea, congradulations
I'm forever gone.
Monday, November 15, 2010
What'd I do now?
Well lets see, today's the 15th and it's NOT a fun day what so ever.
Yea I'm passing every class now.
Spanish : 77
History : Something in the B range.
Algerbra II Basic : 70
Ecology: 74
Gym : C range probably
Photo: B range
English High C, low B's.
But otherwise, in my actually daily life (friends, family, personal, etc.) everything is not so well.
My mind is a very scary place right now.
I don't have many "real" friends.
Scruffy&Dustin is just like......GAH and and what the fuck, specially after yesterday....... =\
Freshman situation....
The usual family bullshit.
And just FUN times.
-_-
Darien's honestly starting to get on my nerves too. And I think he's realizing it. He keeps saying he's depressed and upset and feels like crap but he has NO fucking clue. Honestly. I barely do, forget him.
Blehhhhh
Dentist is after school today too and I know thats not going to end well. Mom doesn't get why I say it won't either. Which is like "....wow...really?" Seeing how many times Ive gone in for a cleaning to come out either grounded, in HUGE fucking pain, or crying.... fun. Yay for genetics!!
I also have Anime Club right before that too. Yay. I'm allowing Evan to come back for a meeting and as long as he behaves eh can stay. Otherwise, he is permanently banned. And he can't complain anymore about us being truly "un-fair."
Oh...and did I mention I already feel like crap? Yea. Add that in too....
Yea I'm passing every class now.
Spanish : 77
History : Something in the B range.
Algerbra II Basic : 70
Ecology: 74
Gym : C range probably
Photo: B range
English High C, low B's.
But otherwise, in my actually daily life (friends, family, personal, etc.) everything is not so well.
My mind is a very scary place right now.
I don't have many "real" friends.
Scruffy&Dustin is just like......GAH and and what the fuck, specially after yesterday....... =\
Freshman situation....
The usual family bullshit.
And just FUN times.
-_-
Darien's honestly starting to get on my nerves too. And I think he's realizing it. He keeps saying he's depressed and upset and feels like crap but he has NO fucking clue. Honestly. I barely do, forget him.
Blehhhhh
Dentist is after school today too and I know thats not going to end well. Mom doesn't get why I say it won't either. Which is like "....wow...really?" Seeing how many times Ive gone in for a cleaning to come out either grounded, in HUGE fucking pain, or crying.... fun. Yay for genetics!!
I also have Anime Club right before that too. Yay. I'm allowing Evan to come back for a meeting and as long as he behaves eh can stay. Otherwise, he is permanently banned. And he can't complain anymore about us being truly "un-fair."
Oh...and did I mention I already feel like crap? Yea. Add that in too....
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Continuation of the last post...
Turns out Freshman couldn't hangout cause he had to go straight home cause of something with his sister. So I hugged him and told him to go and I hungout for awhile with Julie & Erica.
Once they got home I had to walk home myself cause dad (as always) works late Fridays. But I figured I'd see if Darien or Casey could hangout, and it ended up being a no, but me spending the entire walk home talking to Casey. My sissis. =] Amazing seeing we havn't truly talked for too long lately.
And the rest of the day was pretty much spent home talking to Dustin & Scruffy. Let me just say that I love them, but thier freakin' hilarious with the stunts they pull. xD
Good day all-in-all in the end. (:
Once they got home I had to walk home myself cause dad (as always) works late Fridays. But I figured I'd see if Darien or Casey could hangout, and it ended up being a no, but me spending the entire walk home talking to Casey. My sissis. =] Amazing seeing we havn't truly talked for too long lately.
And the rest of the day was pretty much spent home talking to Dustin & Scruffy. Let me just say that I love them, but thier freakin' hilarious with the stunts they pull. xD
Good day all-in-all in the end. (:
Friday, November 12, 2010
What will come next?
Well it's Friday already....and it's 7th period....
Today after school I'm hanging out Freshman. And for those of you who don't know who that is, it's my friend Tom.
I'm staying after school too, so I can wait for him to get out of Detention. Then we're gonna walk to my place or hangout or something once he is done. He isn't staying to long, otherwise I'd say to watch a movie. But yea, he has a dinner to go to with family or w/e at 6, so he's leaving around 5:30. I really wonder whats going to happen with him and myself....
Anyways, Me & Dustin are doing pretty good. Though I don't really trust myself much but he's worth it. He means A LOT to me....a lot....and I'm gonna keep this as long as I can. He's just too perfect.
Me & Scruffy are amazing friends and we're even more open. Though after last nights little incident with Monica, Joe is now completely on his shit list. Congrada-fucking-lations.Dumbass.....not my fight anymore. You wanna play the lying game, let it fucking begin. I don't need you and I never actually did. Scruffy is the one person that I'd risk my life for truly without a second thought to it and he's the one person I can trust completely. I love him and you, you we're just a mistake. An 8 month mistake. So go fuck yourself. Please & thank you.
I'll write more to this later.....
Today after school I'm hanging out Freshman. And for those of you who don't know who that is, it's my friend Tom.
I'm staying after school too, so I can wait for him to get out of Detention. Then we're gonna walk to my place or hangout or something once he is done. He isn't staying to long, otherwise I'd say to watch a movie. But yea, he has a dinner to go to with family or w/e at 6, so he's leaving around 5:30. I really wonder whats going to happen with him and myself....
Anyways, Me & Dustin are doing pretty good. Though I don't really trust myself much but he's worth it. He means A LOT to me....a lot....and I'm gonna keep this as long as I can. He's just too perfect.
Me & Scruffy are amazing friends and we're even more open. Though after last nights little incident with Monica, Joe is now completely on his shit list. Congrada-fucking-lations.Dumbass.....not my fight anymore. You wanna play the lying game, let it fucking begin. I don't need you and I never actually did. Scruffy is the one person that I'd risk my life for truly without a second thought to it and he's the one person I can trust completely. I love him and you, you we're just a mistake. An 8 month mistake. So go fuck yourself. Please & thank you.
I'll write more to this later.....
"A Girl And Her Cat" By: Me (Part one)
There once was a girl named Elli. Her and her boyfriend Marco were living together in this run-down old house in Midtown Canada.Elli was a beautiful, red headed, wild punk rocker kind of chick. While Marco was more quiet, friendly but the lead singer to his own personal band "The What's?"Both were young, being only in their mid twenty's.
One day, Elli awoke to a weird purring noise. Getting up realizing her boyfriend wasn't beside her, or even home, she got her robe on and went to see what it was. She went to her front door and opened it to see a basket. Pulling the sheets off it, finding nothing. She held the basket and turned to close the door, to see a baby bobcat starring back at her. She leaned down and it dashed away. Looking all over her house looking for the strange cat, she was also pondering the question, "Where was Marco?"
Two or three hours later she had given up her frantic search. While blasting her new "Black Veil Brides" playlist on her ipod speakers, she finds a note on the floor.
"Dear Marco,
Haii sweety. Thanks for all your help the other night. I feel a lot better now. =] Your amazing. See you next week! *kisses*
Love,
<3 Patrisha."
To her shock, she realized the name. It was Marco's ex girlfriend. Marco hadn't mentioned her to Elli lately though. But he has been gone a lot more often. Elli thought to herself, "....could her really be cheating...on me...?" Shaking off the thought of it, the mysterious bob-cat re-appeared.
This time she had sat down and the cat jumped onto her lap and lied down purring loudly. Elli sat there, with the strange cat on her her lap asleep, for the most of the remaining day. For once in her life, she could relax. At least until Marco gets home...
One day, Elli awoke to a weird purring noise. Getting up realizing her boyfriend wasn't beside her, or even home, she got her robe on and went to see what it was. She went to her front door and opened it to see a basket. Pulling the sheets off it, finding nothing. She held the basket and turned to close the door, to see a baby bobcat starring back at her. She leaned down and it dashed away. Looking all over her house looking for the strange cat, she was also pondering the question, "Where was Marco?"
Two or three hours later she had given up her frantic search. While blasting her new "Black Veil Brides" playlist on her ipod speakers, she finds a note on the floor.
"Dear Marco,
Haii sweety. Thanks for all your help the other night. I feel a lot better now. =] Your amazing. See you next week! *kisses*
Love,
<3 Patrisha."
To her shock, she realized the name. It was Marco's ex girlfriend. Marco hadn't mentioned her to Elli lately though. But he has been gone a lot more often. Elli thought to herself, "....could her really be cheating...on me...?" Shaking off the thought of it, the mysterious bob-cat re-appeared.
This time she had sat down and the cat jumped onto her lap and lied down purring loudly. Elli sat there, with the strange cat on her her lap asleep, for the most of the remaining day. For once in her life, she could relax. At least until Marco gets home...
Monday, November 8, 2010
5 Things to 5 different people.
1: Scruffy:
You are my bestest friend & my only true little brother. Yea you moved, but we havn't changed much. Nothing will ever come between us or change how we are. If it weren't for you, I'd be in a much worse condtition probably. I owe you so much and your the best person ever. You know me better then everyone else and you still havn't ditched me yet. I trust you more then anyone and everyone. And I love you as much as I possibly could for a bestestest friend. So please just don't ever change. =]
2: Darien:
You're an oddball but I love you non the less. Your my best friend when it comes to being in-state and it shall stay that way. You've been there for me since High School started and I hope it stays the same way throughout. You know alot about me and I think I know alot about you as well. Your a very entertainingly, funny&caring kid. And your are my onee-chan. =]
3: Joanna:
Your my best friend when it comes to being a chick. You can handle more personal stuff then most people I've met. You know how to give some of the greatest adivce. And your honesty is one of your best characteristics. Your there for me and anyone else who truly needs you and your also extremly caring. Yea your a bit more girly but that makes you more you. I love you daughter. <3
4: Casey:
You've been my Sissis for as long as I can remember in regards to Middle School Casey. You've been there the longest out of most people I've known since I've moved here. You know the true old me and you understand the changes I've gone through. You don't judge others and I love you for it. Your completly sweethearted and understand and the prettier & smarter form of myself. (; I trust you more the I do most people. And yea, we don't really get many chances to talk or hangout but come fencing season and that will all change once again. I love you Sissis. <3
5: Dustin:
You're the newest addition to my circle of best friends. And yea I am yet to meet you, but you've bee my buddy since before summer even truly started. You know a few things about me but your extremly open with me and that gives me a sense of security with you. You're there most of the time when I need someone and I try to be there as much as I can for you back. We talk more then most people that I even know in real life. Your so adorable&sweet it's unbelieveable. [= Thank you so much for cheering me up babe. Love chu buttercup. <3
You are my bestest friend & my only true little brother. Yea you moved, but we havn't changed much. Nothing will ever come between us or change how we are. If it weren't for you, I'd be in a much worse condtition probably. I owe you so much and your the best person ever. You know me better then everyone else and you still havn't ditched me yet. I trust you more then anyone and everyone. And I love you as much as I possibly could for a bestestest friend. So please just don't ever change. =]
2: Darien:
You're an oddball but I love you non the less. Your my best friend when it comes to being in-state and it shall stay that way. You've been there for me since High School started and I hope it stays the same way throughout. You know alot about me and I think I know alot about you as well. Your a very entertainingly, funny&caring kid. And your are my onee-chan. =]
3: Joanna:
Your my best friend when it comes to being a chick. You can handle more personal stuff then most people I've met. You know how to give some of the greatest adivce. And your honesty is one of your best characteristics. Your there for me and anyone else who truly needs you and your also extremly caring. Yea your a bit more girly but that makes you more you. I love you daughter. <3
4: Casey:
You've been my Sissis for as long as I can remember in regards to Middle School Casey. You've been there the longest out of most people I've known since I've moved here. You know the true old me and you understand the changes I've gone through. You don't judge others and I love you for it. Your completly sweethearted and understand and the prettier & smarter form of myself. (; I trust you more the I do most people. And yea, we don't really get many chances to talk or hangout but come fencing season and that will all change once again. I love you Sissis. <3
5: Dustin:
You're the newest addition to my circle of best friends. And yea I am yet to meet you, but you've bee my buddy since before summer even truly started. You know a few things about me but your extremly open with me and that gives me a sense of security with you. You're there most of the time when I need someone and I try to be there as much as I can for you back. We talk more then most people that I even know in real life. Your so adorable&sweet it's unbelieveable. [= Thank you so much for cheering me up babe. Love chu buttercup. <3
Monday, October 25, 2010
Why...why...and simply why...
Last night was the start of Halloween week. It's a time for scary movies, lots and lots of candy, costumes, blood and all the nightmares to come real. And I think that is exactly happening...
Yesterday was Joanna's Halloween pumpkin carving party. A few people went. And I, as usual had been texting Dustin since we both woke up earlier that day. I had told Joanna the night before the party I would show her some of our texts. Cause their just to freakin' adorable.
So I showed her some messages before anyone else got there. And she started texting him from my phone saying how cute we we're and how "we're so in love" and everything. And he was really happy. But I took my phone back and had apologized. Later on, and I mean hours later, Joanna, I and everyone were at Duck Park by her house. And she saw we were still texting. She kept saying we're dating. I asked her to simply explain her logic and she told me. It made a lot of sense. But thing I wasn't so happy or anxious about...was telling Scruffy.
I had liked Dustin for a few days, and he's liked me since the begining pretty much. Within the first two weeks he said. So we kinda ended up asking the other out in the time me and everyone were at the park. I'm, even now, not sure what the fuck to do. Cause, I do really like him. But I'm making everything worse between me and Scruffy. And he absolutely, without a doubt in my mind, means the fucking world to me. If he isn't happy, I'm not. At all. I owe him my life by now and I honestly mean that. He is my best friend and family. If me, not dating Dustin, makes things better, then...I'll do it. Sure, it'd be really hard...but I would.
Scruffy and Dustin are talking after school today about this and me and everything going on...and if Dustin screws up once...Scruffy will snap. And I do mean it. I would call him right after I get outta school...but I have a half day. They get out at 2:20 I believe. I told Scruffy to call me right after school. And I'll remember when Dustin text's me after he gets out. Which is right before Scruffy.
Yesterday was Joanna's Halloween pumpkin carving party. A few people went. And I, as usual had been texting Dustin since we both woke up earlier that day. I had told Joanna the night before the party I would show her some of our texts. Cause their just to freakin' adorable.
So I showed her some messages before anyone else got there. And she started texting him from my phone saying how cute we we're and how "we're so in love" and everything. And he was really happy. But I took my phone back and had apologized. Later on, and I mean hours later, Joanna, I and everyone were at Duck Park by her house. And she saw we were still texting. She kept saying we're dating. I asked her to simply explain her logic and she told me. It made a lot of sense. But thing I wasn't so happy or anxious about...was telling Scruffy.
I had liked Dustin for a few days, and he's liked me since the begining pretty much. Within the first two weeks he said. So we kinda ended up asking the other out in the time me and everyone were at the park. I'm, even now, not sure what the fuck to do. Cause, I do really like him. But I'm making everything worse between me and Scruffy. And he absolutely, without a doubt in my mind, means the fucking world to me. If he isn't happy, I'm not. At all. I owe him my life by now and I honestly mean that. He is my best friend and family. If me, not dating Dustin, makes things better, then...I'll do it. Sure, it'd be really hard...but I would.
Scruffy and Dustin are talking after school today about this and me and everything going on...and if Dustin screws up once...Scruffy will snap. And I do mean it. I would call him right after I get outta school...but I have a half day. They get out at 2:20 I believe. I told Scruffy to call me right after school. And I'll remember when Dustin text's me after he gets out. Which is right before Scruffy.
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