I don't get society.

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Confessions..

Confessions I'm willing to come to. Even to all of you. Where to start is my question. Any hints? I got an idea...
Lets catergorize them.

Guys I've dated & how long:

Antonio G - a week
Joe S - 8 months
Anthony L - 2 months
Brendan H - 3 days
Thomas M - 2 months (twice)
Lambros F- a week
Dustin S - like a month
Matt W - one week officially
Chris R - an hour (a joke)
Ryan V - 5 minutes (prank)

So I don't know what you would consider a "real" relationship. My "real" is after 2 months for myself personally. Cause those two I had who made it past that mark, truly meant something to me. Otherwise? Not to much.


Major Regrets & Reasons for them:

• The whole thing between whatever actually went down between me, Kyle & Lopez and Dan. I truly do regret it. A lot, and I think back to that a lot now. I try not to make the same slutty bitchy mistakes I did back then. I have learned from it, but I'll admit it did screw me up. It gave me the reality check I needed. None of those guys diserved what I did to them, or how I acted to/about them. Danny was my in-state best friend. Lopez was my current boyfriend at the time. And Kyle, he should've been just a good friend I met through Lopez. I'll tell everyone now, me & Kyle never did anything. Nothing physical. Ever. But there was a connection there. At least with me there was. I had feelings for both guys, and I was messed up. My thought process was so fucked up, and I hated what I did. I chose some guy, over my boyfriend. Let alone it being his best friend. I let myself get that obbsessed. Something I never did before. Something I thought was real, when it was all in my head. I've never cheated physically, but I have mentally cause of the shit I did to him. I feel so bad for putting Lopez through that, and if I could, I'd take it all back in a heartbeat. I'd never get that close to Kyle. I would've never done what I did, if I've only been smarter and realized the best guy I've ever had was right there. And he was mine. But nope, I'm me. I hadda screw myself over.
• Joe, letting him do what he did. Letting myself think I was okiee and I could go that far. To even fake that I was ready for how far I went. I wasn't. I'm still not. I hate the idea of anything past make-out now. It'll be fucking forever before I'll let another guy ever go there. Even the thought of one day letting it happen, scares me. It makes me sick. And it's my own fault. I let him take advantage of me. I could've done so much to get him to stop. I had so many chances, and I just kept saying "everything will be ok. It's just bad times." When it just kept happening. I kept blaming myself for everything, letting him win. Letting him use the fake cutting & sucidalness against me. I let him win, just to pay the price in the end. I'll admit I'm still a virgin, but even that was nearly lost. I regret ever letting him get that far, for something I should've known was never even real.
• All the shit I've said about anyone in anger. Close friends especially. I know I can't take any of it back, and in some cases I know I shouldn't. But I still regret saying some of it about certain people. I'm probably at fault for a few possible rumors, and I apolgize. But I can't take it back. Just saying, only with some I would.

Non relationship-relationships:

Anthony F
Matt W (same matt from before)
Kephrin (If it counts, we just kissed.)

(I really don't know what else to write here, so if any of you have anything you wish to know, just ask. Honestly. I'll be utterly truthfull & honest on here about it. No secrets or hiding. Just the truth.)

New people..

We've got....

Luvie: Guy from South Carolina. Sweethearted, adorable guy. Who is so sweet but kinda quiet.

Jeremy: Guy from ....somewhere a half hour away. xD Kinda a jerk, but means well. Also, really wierd. Reminds me of J & Cole & Kyle. 16-17 years old.

Kevin: South Jersey, nearly the tip. 19 year old graduating tomorrow. Odd but not much. Also really sweet too. Kinda ghetto looking though, but he means well.

Hopefully at least one or two of these guys give me more hope for humanity then most of the "friends" I know in real life. It's kind of sad that I'm more into virtual friends then real life. But can you honestly blame me? Now...if only someone could at least hang here on weekends. That'd be cool to ya know.

I just can't make up my mind..

I'm always changing my mind. I just can't seem to make it up, or keep it up. Whatever I do, I somehow regret. Or at least, I think about in doubt. I know I'm only human but this is true. I can't help think about the things I do anymore. Right and wrong, seem to have just combined. And there seems to be nothing I can do about where I'm going. I need some serious help, cause I'm just scaring myself at this point. I don't need profesional, just some real friends. One's who will stay with me, not betray me. Blame me. Hate me. No one who fakes. And sadly, that's pretty much everyone. I'm finding myself in the wierdest of situations, though it just might be the time. I don't know. Honestly I don't know much anymore. My thoughts aren't focused on what they should be. Let alone on anything. Nothing good thats for sure. I look at someone I care about, and I feel bad. I feel horrible inside knowing I'll just probably end up hurting them in the end. Or I'll be hurt because I'll push them away. But if I do, they're probably better off anyways. I wanna thank Scruffy for everything. But I know the road I'm on now isn't gonna have a great ending. Honestly? I have an idea, but I won't say. I'm knowing that I'm constantly wrong. And in this case? I'm hoping it stays that way with this at least.
God...I just want to get the hell out of here..

I don't want to even be here anymore...

I don't. I really don't. I'm tired and fucking sick of everyone and their bullcrap. I don't want to go back to school. I don't wanna be in this god forsaken place. They all say it's safe, that's a god damn fucking load. No one says or does anything to help. Nothing does anymore. I'm breaking. I'm not some strong minded girl anymore. I'm weak, and it just keeps getting worse and worse. I always thought I'd be able to handle this, and still help everyone else. Or at least be able to help them. But I just can't. And I fucking hate myself to no end. I'm smiling yea, but no one knows what I'm feeling inside. My parents are just hitting the bubbles of such a deep ocean of layers. I'm only here because of some family & Scruffy. Honestly. I'm sick of everyone. And for the most part, excluding some, they honestly can go fucking burn. I don't care anymore. I'm complaining yes. I'm speaking up yes. Why? 'Cause I just can't do it anymore..

Awww Amanda!!

Donna: ur one of da best chickas I've ever known n even though I'm not close 2 girls dat much, ur lik 1out of da 5 girls dat I'm very close to n I'm realy happy dat we meet♥ u dnt give me bullshit or critizies me on my actions n I'm happy about that(: we hav tons of things in common n u no most if my deep secrets den ani 1 else n I trust u in evry way♥ u no how 2 keep me and evry1 happy wen we are down, u hav such crazy ass personality ppl wud b a dumass to fuk it up♥ dis summer will b fun n awesome(: love u girl, u no how we do ;)

This is Emi. I fucking love her. <3 She's one of my newest best "chicka" friends. (xD you love me!) And cha. :3 Mess with her, you die. Nothing else. Just that. :D

I love you

You know what I've figured out? I'm fine the way I am now. Honestly, I don't see much wrong. That even if I fixed, people would still just complain. You can't make everyone happy. And now I don't see a point in trying to. Not anymore. I'm just gonna be me. And if that isn't enough for some, then they're happy to leave. If you don't wanna be here, I won't keep you. You can leave as you wish. I'm not gonna keep you. There's no wall. And now? Now I simply wait. Wait for the "special" someone who wants to be with me. Someone who is themselves with me. Someone I can happily talk to. Someone who is really them. Nothing more, nothing less. No changes, no fakes. They're happy with themselves, and even better with me by their side. Once I meet said person, a whole new part of my life shall begin. Not getting off my tracks. Just re-alining myself is all. I'm not leaving anyone, but them leaving me. Whoever wants to stay, is welcome aboard. <3

Oh Heyy There!

Hey fairytales could be real right? I mean people can legitamnally fall for people right? Just 'cause it doesn't work for you the way you wish it to, doesn't mean it isn't real. Everyone's just different. (:

Stories take time to read, just as they do to be written in the first place. So relax, nothing happens with a snap of your fingers. Chill out and enjoy the ride. It's called life. And I happily welcome you to it. Though if I were you, please keep your hands, feet & mouths inside at all times. People who don't head this warning will have issues with this ride. But please, sit down and enjoy it. Doesn't last forever. (:

Everything seems like it just rushes by you right? Everything & everyone? That, even if you wanted to, you couldn't catch up to the present? Your minds always in the past? The good and the bad? I thought so. Cause so am I. I don't know where I'm going, only where I have gone. And honestly? I think that's ok. I'm making others happy while I try to live by my own rules. Parents are letting down their protective walls, and I'm getting more & more freedoms. Just about time, but I'm not complaining. I know why they did it now. And they've made me...well me. They had their reasons. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going all "I love you mom & dad I'm never gonna leave you" on you now. I'm simply stateing. I'm still gone for the summer next year. :P Though I do love them, I wanna explore and have fun. Plus, 18 only comes once right? (:

I know I'm happy for my friends. And I give them the respect they earn & diserve. I'm trying not to get so mixed up in what people say, or what they do. I know I may be a bitch, but oh well. Everyone is unique. Everyone has their story. Everyone has their stories. It's when they come together though, that a new one may begin. And when they mix perfectly enough, a spark is created. Something is started. What it becomes, is only up to them, and them alone. No-one writes your story. You do. Make it good. <3

Make A Wish - Pokemon

When daytime turns to night,
When the moon shines bright,
When you're tucked in tight,
and everything is alright.

Slip softly to that place,
Where secret thoughts run free,
There come face to face
With who you want to be, so

Swim across the ocean blue,
Fly a rocket to the moon;
You can change your life,
Or you can change the world.

Take a chance, don't be afraid,
Life is yours to live;
Take a chance and then the best has yet to come

Make a wish, it's up to you.
Find the strength inside,
Then watch your dreams come true.
You don't need a shooting star,
the magic's right there in your heart;
Close your eyes,
Believe and make a wish...

chiisaki mono sore wa watashi

watashi desu magirenaku

kagami no naka kokorobososa dake ga

dare ni makenai ashita ni naru yo

soshite watashi wa osanai koro ni

sukoshizutsu modotte yuku

imi mo shirazu utau koi no uta wo

homete kureta ano hi ni

sora wo aogeba

michite kuru watashi no koe ga

sarasara nagaru kaze no naka de kimi mo

fuwari maiagare

koe ga kikoeru

yuku beki michi yubi sashite iru

sarasara nagaru kaze no naka de hitori

watashi utatte imasu

I've always hoped for happiness,
And finally fulfilled my wish;
Cause I just need to see you smile.

sora wo aogeba

(Make a wish, it's up to you.)

michite kuru watashi no koe ga

(Watch your dreams come true.)

sarasara nagaru kaze no naka de kimi mo

(The magic's right there in your heart;)

fuwari maiagare

(Believe)

Make a wish, it's up to you.
Find the strength inside,
then watch your dreams come true.
You don't need a shooting star,
the magic's right there in your heart;
Close your eyes,
Believe and make a wish...

Make a wish...

Baby Lizards! (A Shane & Me Story)

"Hey Phil, what's going on?" Frank asked.
"Not sure dude, but it's been going on for awhile now. Don't you remeber last week?" Phil said.
"Yea, god. I hope this doesn't keep up. Don't these humans realize there are animals with normal sleep habits here? Like seriously."
"I know right? Dammed ignorant humans. Always causing such a freakin' ruckuss here. I don't wanna be sold. Ever. I like my home here."

It was a Thursday morning, nearly one in Chicago. Such a busy, noisy city it was. I mean really, it is the year 2001 after all. Frank & Phil were simply two small new baby lizards in Dills' 24 Hour Pet Store. Not quite sure why there was a 24 hour pet store of all things, but hey, thats our world right? Anywayz, Dill of course was the owner of the old, run down place. Being on the corner of the main street in the city, and the industrial center, he always had a lot of people come in and out of it, usually to just browse the puppies.
But on this very morning, there were two kids. Kids who Dill have never seen around before. Curious Dill finished up his dusting and walked over to the taller, younger looking male kid.

"May I help you with something sir?" Asked Dill.
"Nah, we're good. Just looking. Hey, got any cool lizards or something?" Asked the guy.
"Actually yes sir, we do. Two new ones actually. Named them Phil & Frank. There right over there on the left. You interested in buying them?"
"Yea, actually. They're pretty cool. What kind?"
"Not quite sure really. They just came in recently, maybe about a month ago. Babies they both are. Phils got green & even a touch of blue on him. While Franks red with two white stripes around his black outlined spine. Pretty cute too."
"Awesome! Hey Donna, would you wanna get the lizards now? Think the ones this mans talking about would work. They're amazing looking. I really love the red striped one!" The guy said turning around to ask the girl behind him.
The girl was shorter, looked kinda older then the boy. Though seemed a tad more zoned out then him.
She turned around and faced him to answer.
"Yea sure Shane, how much are they? Remember, we've only got like 30 if we pulled out money together." She said.
Dill, curious asks "You guys brother and sister or what if I may ask? You don't look alike, but around here you never know anymore. You guys seem pretty close."
Both Shane & Donna turn and look at eachother and start laughing. Shane replies saying,
"Nah not related, just good friends. And we were talking and figured it'd be cool to buy a pet. One for the both of us ya know? And we both like lizards so we came here. Closest place around my aunts." he says.
"Yea, we're on vacation here. If you wanna call it that anyway, not really much to do here though, so we thought this up. Plus, about a year ago, this one here made me write a story like this. So I thought it would fit pretty damn well." Donna says laughing as Shane just rolls his eyes.
"Hey! You told me you were writing so I gave you an idea! It was fun writing it wasn't!?" He says jokingly.
Dill paitently waiting there, realizing he probably shouldn't have asked such a question to such obviously hyperactive kids says calmly "Hey, sorry for interupting, but the lizards? Phil & Frank? Yes?"
"Oh sorry dude, almost forgot what we were saying. But yea, how much are they?" Dill asked.
"Pretty cheap seeing their still babies. About $10 each actually. You said you both together had $30 right? You'd still have money left over. Listen, you buy these guys and promise to take care of them, I'll even start you two off with supplies for them both. Sound good?" Dill replied.
"Amazing! Dude you're amazing!" Dill said jumping up and down beside Donna.
"Donna! I call the striped one! I get Frank!" he said to Donna.
"Fine, fine, I like blue and green anyways. Plus, Phil reminds me of Rugrats!" Donna answered Shane back.
"Great, I'll get the carrier for them and their stuff. You two go wait at the counter." Dill said to them both.

As Donna and Shane headed happily for the counter, Dill went in the back to get everything the two home bound babies would need. He was so happy to see kids like Donna and Shane come by, though he didn't have much paitent. It just was always nice to see kids that age actually interested in such different creatures. It's not something he was use to seeing. Most people around the area we're more into the new pups or even birds. He always had felt bad for all the other animals, he kind of felt that the people in the city kind of just neglected them.

Meanwhile...

(To be continued...)

People...(continued)

Julie: You're fuckin' crazy and insane and just amazingly fun. You're one of the most entertaining people I've ever met. And one of the best chick friends I've ever actually had. You've been through a lot, and our story to get to where we are isn't exatly average, but I love you. You're such an amazing friend, it's almost unbelievable. Thank you for everything & I think that both you & Nicole (freshie) are my closest girl best friends I have. <3 You make fencing & life in general so freakin' fun.

Amanda: You're one of my newer friends yes, but you're still up there too. You give pretty damn good advice and it's fun talking to you. You don't take anything that happens between me & people as a joke and I thank you for it. I'm just horrible at holding a grudge or anything. I'm too nice, it sucks. Ha. Anywayz, you're going up and up on my chick list currently and this summer should be fun. We're deffinatly gonna hangout, just saying.

Casey: You're my flippin' Sissis and though we don't get to hangout that much outside of school, I still fuckin' love you. Everything I've ever written on here about you holds true too. You're not judgemental, you're as sweet as a bird, random and hyper and helpful. I love you Sis. <3 Thank you for all those time you've just listened to me rant on about stupid drama happening. Thank you for just being there & helping out. I've known you since you were in the 5th grade, and the years might have made us grown, but we're still us. Nothing shall ever seperate the both of us. You'll always be my first "Sister" and the nuts one at that too lefty. <3

(Maybe more to come...)

People....

Scruffy: My bestest friend & My favorite person ever & My little brother. I'd legitimately do anything for you dude. You mean so much to me and I think you know this by now. There isn't anytime in the time we've been friends, where you weren't there for me. You've helped me through a lot already. And next year, it'll be5 years we've been friends. I can't believe how much things have changed, and how much we've grown up, but look at where we are. You mean the fucking world to me and dude I love you to death. No one could ever take your place. You are really a role model for some people. You're the best friend anyone could ever ask for. Thank you for everything & I hope I've been nearly as great to you too. <3

Dustin: I've known you pretty much for a year to date now and though we've never really met, you're truly one of my closest friends. You really are one of the sweetest kids I've known. Not the best, but not horrible. You're a great kid who just tends to make bad choices. There's nothing to wrong with it. And once someone gets use to you, you're really funny & helpful. I know others might not see it in you, but I do. Keep bettering yourself dude, you'll become an amazing young man. I can't wait to truly meet you in person when I go down next summer. You, me and Scruffy and maybe even Shane occasionally will have so much fun. You're a funny as hell kid and I adore you so freakin' much. You mean a lot to me and no matter what I'll always try to be here for you.

Shane: I know we haven't really been talking long, but I think you're a really cool & sweet & funny kid already. You can easily cheer up pretty much anyone that you talk to, without really trying. We have a lot in common and we're both weird. You're also really helpful with some of the things I tell you, and you don't laugh at my fears or anything. Which already means a lot. You're an extremely fun and entertaining guy to talk to, specially if I'm having a bad day or anything. And I thank you for it. I can't wait to actually meet you either if you do come up back to Jersey, or next year when I go down to your town. You might only be an in-coming sophomore, but you have a lot of experience with life. And trust me, you know that will come in handy. You're becoming such a sweet young man and though I don't know you too well, I'm proud. 


Joanna: The past year between just the two of us has changed us both a lot. Defiantly a lot more then we both had expected or thought we could handle.But we're still going through stuff, and we've talked it out. Come summer, we're gonna take a break from one another. Hopefully this will make things easier and less dramatic between us. I don't ever wanna completely lose you as a friend. You're such a strong girl, you've just got more on your plate then you need or want. You're too caring and you'd do anything for the people you view as important. I hope things work out the best they can for you Jo. I really do, you deserve a lot, you just don't always get it. People you expect more then they give too don't really help too, so I apologize on their be-half. Cause I know they never truly will, but you do deserve the best. I don't know if it means much from me after everything, but it might be better for us to grow apart a bit.

Darien: I've known you since your 5th grade year. And even though you hated me for awhile back, look at what we've become. Yea you have become pretty narcissistic and weirder, but you can still be pretty freakin' amazing dude. You know a lot about me and though you have pretty strong opinions of some of the people I deal with daily, you're still here. Thank you for everything and you can get on my nerves occasionally but I still fucking love you dude. We've been on so many adventures and we have more and more insider jokes then I can even try to count. You're such a strange child, and though I take credit for most of that, I'm glad you haven't completely changed yet. Seeing you after you graduate will be a very interesting experience.

(More to come later)

I wish I could tell say this to fucking you.

You always say that "this is the last time" but when the fuck is it? WHen the fuck can you actually be honest with me? God fucking dammit I know I'm an idiot for believing you each & every god damn time but fucking seriously? What DON'T you hide from me? What the FUCK don't you lie about to me? Smoking? Girlfriends? I'm so sick of this crap. I was openly honest with you with pretty much EVERYTHING. Go fuck yourself. Is your way of dealing with me really to just ignore me? Wait for the day Scruffy has to tell me this crap? Fucking seriously? Congradulations onf your middle school graduation. I hope you get your ass beat in high school. I know you will to if you keep this shit up with them. But wait, nope. Just me right? "I mean the world to you." Bullcrap. Fuck you Dustin, you know that? I fucking WISH I could just say this to you. Most of it. But don't bother. You wont ever see this anyways. -____-' People can go fuck off.

Things have deffinatly changed.

I'm sorry for how I have been with you. Through it all, you were unbelievable. But lately....you really can't blame me too much for how I have been. I know I'm to blame for some, but not completly. It's just everything. I think we could both agree with that. I wanna be there for you, but now...I don't know how to. Like my last post said, I'm not sure where some shit is going. I don't know how everythings gonna end. And I know you're not quite happy with me and how I have changed. I could easily say the same about you. We both need breathing room. And I think that'll happen once gyms over in about a week. Till then? We'll have to deal. If you need me, I'm still here. But just know it's not gonna be like it use to. If it ever will be again, it wont happen for awhile. You diserve so much respect, and coming from me, it means something. I hope you know that. I might not be giving you any, but you diserve it. After everything. We're both changing. But yea. I don't know what I could even say to you bout this all anymore. I really just think that once gyms over, we really just gotta step back from eachother for awhile. I'll be busy majority of this summer anyway. I have like, legit 2 free weeks durring the entire thing for now. And durring one, it'll just be my old group cause thats when Scruff's here. So yea. I hope this comes as a sorta apology & a hope that you'll just be better after all this. I mean none of this offensivly. I'm just being honest. I'm constantly angry now. Don't take much of it to heart. You know how I can get sometimes. So yea...We're both not who we once were..

You Mean The World To Me

Wanna know what I'm thinking? Really now? Here it is:

People who matter to me:

• Scruffy
• Dustin
• Amanda
• Anthony
• Darien
• Shane
• Kep
• Certain members of my family
• Nicole
• Niko

And thats about it. I care for some others, but things are changing as of now, and I just don't know whats going to actually happen.

Otherwise....

Problems:

• Relationship drama
• "Friend" "Not friend" drama
• Family drama
• Bullshit.

But I'm either just gonna try to slap sense into people, talk sense into people, or if neither have worked, just walk away. I don't need you're shit. You don't need me? Okiee then bye. Notta a problem for me.

Reality:

• I'm done
• I'm gone
• I'm me
• Go fuck off otherwise

I've officially changed. Maybe not to all, but to most. And I don't care. I'm doing only what makes me happy for now, I might go back, but from where I'm standing now, I'm hoping I don't. If I don't get what I deserve, and I don't get any respect, then you guys can go rot. The end. No more sympathy for people who don't deserve it.

You know what? I don't care.

I dont care if I'm being difficult. I don't care if I'm being a bitch. I don't care if I'm some ugly little fuck. I really just don't give to shits. You're not perfect. Certain people could come close, but no one is. If you think you are, or if anyone is, you're forcing that image on said person. I don't give two shits if what I'm doing is wrong. People make mistakes. And everyone's beautiful. Enough of this complaining bull crap. I'm done. Society sucks, and I'm not gonna join that little wanna-be this, wanna-be that cirlce. I'm fucking me. I do what I fucking want. I'm going to be happy and be with those who actually enrich my life. If got one true friend beside me and everyone knows I fucking love him. I've got enough people who treat me right, and thats all I need. Everyone else can go fuck off. (:

Waiting for summer

Okiee so I know I've done nothing really that great this past year. Actually, I've done nothing but screw up pretty much. So this summer will be my "Make-up" time for it all.

• Going to get a job
• Smarten up with school work
• Go to the "Boot camp" for the Math HSPA I failed
• Go and stay with my aunt in PA for awhile
• Hang out with Scruffy when he comes up (that'll be like my only break)
• Straigthen out myself personally

In order to do this all? No drama. No boyfriend. None of that crap.

I wanna believe
All the things you say
The fact is though
Reality gets in the way
From the start of the day
I'm hoping for you to be the first
To come out and tell me
That you care
That you're actually there
That you love me
And you do
If you're in the right mood.
But what I wish weren't real
What I wish didn'y happen
Is that you just tend to
Well...leave
Again
And again
I can't explain it
I wish I could
But thing just is
That I can't
You just mean so much to me
But I know that you're words are fake
That the moment you send them
You forget instantly
And then
When you're phones put away
I'm out of the picture too
You love to be sweet
Especially to me
But theres two things
That I can't even say
I just wish
That for once
You meant everything you say
And were actually here to stay
But that's never going to happen
I let your words
Flow through me
And they actually
Put a real smile on my face
That I forgot I even had
Thank you so much
You can be so sweet
But now I'm just waiting
For your fleet
Then you're gone
And who knows when you'll be back again
Probably for your summer
And that'll be
My hardest

It's now June 3rd..

• Finals begin the 16th
• School ends the 21st
• Summer starts the 21st
• My 17 birthday is July 1st.

We all need this. We all need to grow up and change for our own good. To much time with some people, never ends well. Space is a virtue really. Trust me.

I'm an emotional wreck right now. And no-one seems to truly notice how bad I'm getting. For those who read this, you all should know I've never been in a "real" fight. Not once ever in my life. And I always am the one who tries SO hard to get people to STOP the fighting. Does this count for yesterday? The day before? These past few weeks? Things are building up...and up..and up...and I don't think it's possible for it to come to a stop without someone exploding, another one leaving, and the end/renual/start of different friendships...

This is the summer before I leave. This is my last summer in high school. Next year, I'll be gone. So I really wish to make this one a postive memorable one. I would say drama free...but I don't think thats even a real possibilty anymore.

Goodbye to all who've known me as the pushover.

Sometimes...

Everything happens for a reason right?
Well what was the reason for this?
Really now...
Please tell me
Cause I really can't find anything good
To come out of this

Somethings wrong
When someone like me
Turns around every-so-often
Hoping to see you
Just you
Looking over at me
Or maybe just watching TV...
Why?

I've gone insane
At least in this sense
I shouldn't care
I shouldn't
But reality check?
I do
I really fucking do
And I hate it

You don't give two shits
Nothing about me
Ever seems to enter your mind
Only when you're in trouble
And need someone elses help
After everyone else left
Thats when you're here
Thats when you're back
That's when I'm happy

I love talking to you
Always have
I can't even explain why
I guess I fell for all the things you
Well, use to say
But what the fuck?
That was months ago
And I still can't even let go?
Why..

You've made my way of thinking
My choice in guys
My life
So much more difficult
Thanks so much
I guess I diserve this
For even trying to think
That I ever meant anything
You're such a joke
But I'm the pawn
Why?
Cause I went along with it..
Even without knowing
Up until now..

I don't get you
How can you do this?
To someone
The one person
That looks up to you
Above all else
I wish I could say
"I'd do anything for you"
But I wont
Cause theres only one person
Ever in my life
That I would
And thats..
Well...
Our best friend.

But theres SO much
That I wish I could just tell you
And things might actually change
But I know nothing ever will
You're better off
And anyways
Every girl falls for a jerk right?
I guess this fits then
I fucking adore you
But you're only my very first
Real loving jerk.
Thanks a lot...
</3

"Complicated" -Avril Lavinge

Uh huh, life's like this
Uh huh, uh huh, that's the way it is
Cause life's like this
Uh huh, uh huh that's the way it is

Chill out whatcha yelling' for?
Laid back it's all been done before
And if you could only let it be
you will see
I like you the way you are
When we're drivin' in your car
and you're talking to me one on one but you've become

Somebody else round everyone else
You're watching your back like you can't relax
You're tryin' to be cool you look like a fool to me
Tell me

Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
And you fall and you crawl and you break
and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty
and promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it
no no no

You come over unannounced
dressed up like you're somethin' else
where you are ain't where it's at you see
you're making me
laugh out when you strike your pose
take off all your preppy clothes
you know you're not fooling anyone
when you've become

Somebody else round everyone else
Watching your back, like you can't relax
Trying to be cool you look like a fool to me
Tell me

Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
and You fall and you crawl and you break
and you take what you get and you turn it into
honesty
promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it
no no no

Chill out whatcha yelling for?
Lay back, it's all been done before
And if you could only let it be
You will see

Somebody else round everyone else
You're watching your back, like you can't relax
You're trying to be cool, you look like a fool to me
Tell me

Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
and you fall and you crawl and you break
and you take what you get and you turn it into
honesty
promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it
no no no

Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like your somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
You fall and you crawl and you break
and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty
promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it
no no no

I just wish I could get over you..

You...You're so much to me. When I know you lie through your teeth when you say you care about me. I wish I was more, just for you. But I know I'm not. God fucking dammit you just don't seem to get it. Coming into my life whenever it happens to work for you? Things don't work that way. Never really have. But you just seem to be completly ignorant. And I can't believe you. I fucking care. And I wish sometimes, I never did. I wonder what my life would be like now without you have ever entering it. It's something I thought I'd never say about ANYONE. And look whats happened. I have so many better guys in my life. I've had so many. But what do I do? I fuck up and chose the worst ones. Why? I wish I knew. Like my friend had told me last night, I've changed. Yes. That's true now. But not so much into what I wanna say that I am. I know I'm not done yet but still. It'd just be nice to actually mean it when I tell people "I dont care." I want it to be true SO badly. You just dont see it. How could you anyway? You're never fucking around anymore. You're only here if there's something in it for you. What I was to blind to notice was you distancing yourself before hand. And now look at me. I've "fallen" for a guy I don't want. One that treats me, honestly, like shit unless he knows I'll help him out with his crap. He knows I care and he fucking takes that for granted. And it fucking sucks cause I can't get over it enough to actually not be there. I just can't. No matter what. I feel like shit if Im not helping, but I feel abused in a sense, when I am. What the fuck? I wouldn't ever take you back but it'd be nice to at least have you, ya know....answer me? Ever? You're not even fucking grounded. You're not in juve or whatever. You're fucking crap now dude. You're NOT stupid, you just act it. You're honestly a follower. But I guess, in a sense, it's kinda my fault. I should've left sooner. And neither of us would have to deal with this crap anymore. Not much at least. I love you like any of my closest friends. Even if all I have left of you are shadows of when you cared, and or the self-absorbed jackass you are when you feel like coming back to me for fucking help with YOUR issues. I wanna say I'm done. I wanna just not have you entering my life at pleasure of your choice only. But I can't. You're a fucking big ass secret of mine too. Ya know that? No one knows this about me. Not till now. And only if they guess from reading this would they ever know. I don't know what to do. I'm getting hurt here. But it's okiee. I'm never telling you any of this. So why should or could you ever care? Right?

Rugrats Scavenger Hunt = Win

One of my all time favorite games ever.  <3 IT WORKS AGAIN! <33333

"Stay beautiful. Keep It Ugly"

As the saying goes I guess, the best things come in the smallest packages. Right? I mean think about it.

• Rugrats
• Fruity Pebbles
• Cherrios
• Ipods
• A favorite neckalce
• A favorite place?
• A few bracelets
• A close friend
• Your best friend

Just the smallest of things can make someone so happy. Wheather it be you, or someone you care about. It's honestly amazing. <3

People come and people go. Wheather we want them to. Or wheather we don't wanna see them leave. But either way, we should try to be happy that they were there/are there at all. At least...I guess right? I mean, we had to like them & let them in our lifes for a reason right? And it's that reason we first thought & cared for them?

I swear to god I'm not drunk.
I swear to god I'm not high either.
I'm just....zoned in.
It's wierd...
But truthfull.

Cereal....
A little music...
My best friend...
Texting with you....
And a nice comfy spot to lay down...
Without anyone else...
Or any problems to face head on...

...This makes a goodnight for me. That simple really.
These are the kinda nights I love.

Especially when everyone in my house is asleep other then me...
It's so quiet. <3