I've been trying to show off the girl I could really be. The care-free, loving, fun, sweet chick I know I am. But honestly? It's a lot harder then it's seemed. Trying to ignore all the shit that my so called friends try to get me into isn't fun. The drama, the drama I'm just sick of. Fucking seriously now I am. I don't really give a shit about who dated who, who did what, who said this. Quit it. Cause it doesnt get anyone anywhere. Ever. You guys are supposed to be my friends, not the news crew. This doesn't go towards all, but a lot of my "friends." And it hurts even more, when they start multiple articles about me, and keep it away from me. Do you really think that I won't hear about it? I wont find out? If you do, you're stupider then you make yourself seem.
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I've been wanting to write but I can't figure out what. Theres a lot I've been wanting to say, but just can't say out loud or type. Theres a lot on my mind and I know that no-one at all really knows it. Cause theres both good and bad but so far, I'm trying to keep the bad back. It just isn't working out so well. Yesterday was the first day in a long while that I've been so care-free. So simple. I loved it. At least till I returned home again to only see what I was hoping was un-true. It honestly didn't take long. Like I've told many people, I'm easily replaced most of the time. Apparenlty new found friends are no exception. Thanks Nick. Luv ya too. -.-'
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Relationships are usually either really simple or really complicated. Simple ones are pretty rare now though, and I'm not thee only one who says so. But either way, it shouldn't matter as long as you care for the person & you are cared for back. This doesn't just apply to dating, but everyday relations too. Dating is such...whats the word...difficult thing to keep now. Honestly. It's a two way street that you both have to try 'n keep up. And with most, it doesn't stay up long. xD lmfao (That sounded really wrong, my bad.) But yea. You have to be fair. Ya know? And I'm sad to see so many great people I know, taken for granted. Some diserve it, others not at all. I just wanna see my friends happy. Thats all. And to the fuckers who can't do that much, fuck off. That goes to you too Joe. Stay.Out.Of.My.Life. Okiee? -sigh- Anywayz...I'm ranting I know. Sowwie. Theres just to much going on in my head right now...I think I'll just write later.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
What is this? A confession booth? Pretty much..
-It hasn't been such a great night-
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-) Im so scared for you, like you don't even know. You don't know how much it hurts. It hurts seeing you like this. You getting treated like such shit. While you're already inna crappy condition. Meanwhile I push my little fucking head in reminding you over and over again that I'm crazy in love with you. So strong, that it passes all but one ex of mine.
You mean so much it honestly scares me how easy you can change me. How often I just sit somewhere & think about you. About us. The scenarios in my head. To the point where I'll actually think they're real. To the point where I know I must be bugging you. And thats one thing I hate about me. I hate & love what you are to me..
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-) You, you just randomly come into my life and made it kinda better. While at the same time, screw me up a bit. Our games shouldn't mean shit but they do. You do. But you can't. Not after my past with where you are. I adore you & I feel so bad cause I know I'm probably leading you on. I don't want to, nor do I try. But I don't know whats going on anymore. I've lost all control, or the controller died. Its going hay wire and I'm only hoping someone will try enough to fix it. I'm hoping it's him, cause he is who I want more then anything. But really...I'm trying to hold on to whatever I have to make sure you don't. Cause you just can't. I want him, but you're good at finding loop holes. Find one and I'll just be gone..
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-) You are my BEST friend dude. You've done more for me then anyone ever even tried, let alone succeeded. I love you so fucking much, all the way to death and home again. There isn't anything I want more then to have you by my side as who you are & happy. Theres nothing I wouldn't do for you. I owe you my life, more then one of them, thats no lie. Thank you so much for everything and I'm sorry for any of my screw ups I've done to hurt you.
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-) Simply putting this, some people just diserve to go fall off a cliff into a hungry,angry unicorn shit filled infinite. And by some, I mean most.
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-) Hold on to your family, you really don't know when the next time you'll ever get to see or hear from them again is. Trust me when I say the saying is true, you don't what you have till its completly gone.
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-) You have been around for me since I was in 6th grade dude. And you've gone back and forth from being my brother to being a little bit more, only to go down again. But you can't blame me. You're another sorta-stable thing in my life and sometimes I question it. You say somethings, and I simply just can't truly believe them. Even if I want to, just cause I don't know when the next time I'll hear from you again is..
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-) You came into my life through one of my older friends, not expecting anything. She tells me a few things, and text you to see. And bang what do we got? A whole new level of friendship. Sure it might be kinda odd, but honestly it'll never be more cause I'm not like that. I've got some decent class & I'm glad. I don't care what she diserves, and I know she doesn't try, but I still care. Don't know why, but I do so you? You're just an amazing friend. Who would've thought that gingers had such sweet souls?
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-) I don't know what people expect. But whatever it might be there's only gonna be one guarentee. You will be dissappointed.
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-) Im so scared for you, like you don't even know. You don't know how much it hurts. It hurts seeing you like this. You getting treated like such shit. While you're already inna crappy condition. Meanwhile I push my little fucking head in reminding you over and over again that I'm crazy in love with you. So strong, that it passes all but one ex of mine.
You mean so much it honestly scares me how easy you can change me. How often I just sit somewhere & think about you. About us. The scenarios in my head. To the point where I'll actually think they're real. To the point where I know I must be bugging you. And thats one thing I hate about me. I hate & love what you are to me..
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-) You, you just randomly come into my life and made it kinda better. While at the same time, screw me up a bit. Our games shouldn't mean shit but they do. You do. But you can't. Not after my past with where you are. I adore you & I feel so bad cause I know I'm probably leading you on. I don't want to, nor do I try. But I don't know whats going on anymore. I've lost all control, or the controller died. Its going hay wire and I'm only hoping someone will try enough to fix it. I'm hoping it's him, cause he is who I want more then anything. But really...I'm trying to hold on to whatever I have to make sure you don't. Cause you just can't. I want him, but you're good at finding loop holes. Find one and I'll just be gone..
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-) You are my BEST friend dude. You've done more for me then anyone ever even tried, let alone succeeded. I love you so fucking much, all the way to death and home again. There isn't anything I want more then to have you by my side as who you are & happy. Theres nothing I wouldn't do for you. I owe you my life, more then one of them, thats no lie. Thank you so much for everything and I'm sorry for any of my screw ups I've done to hurt you.
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-) Simply putting this, some people just diserve to go fall off a cliff into a hungry,angry unicorn shit filled infinite. And by some, I mean most.
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-) Hold on to your family, you really don't know when the next time you'll ever get to see or hear from them again is. Trust me when I say the saying is true, you don't what you have till its completly gone.
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-) You have been around for me since I was in 6th grade dude. And you've gone back and forth from being my brother to being a little bit more, only to go down again. But you can't blame me. You're another sorta-stable thing in my life and sometimes I question it. You say somethings, and I simply just can't truly believe them. Even if I want to, just cause I don't know when the next time I'll hear from you again is..
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-) You came into my life through one of my older friends, not expecting anything. She tells me a few things, and text you to see. And bang what do we got? A whole new level of friendship. Sure it might be kinda odd, but honestly it'll never be more cause I'm not like that. I've got some decent class & I'm glad. I don't care what she diserves, and I know she doesn't try, but I still care. Don't know why, but I do so you? You're just an amazing friend. Who would've thought that gingers had such sweet souls?
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-) I don't know what people expect. But whatever it might be there's only gonna be one guarentee. You will be dissappointed.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Stuffz to say I guess
1) Going to my grandmas house yesterday eventually made something click with me. Made me realize a lot actually. I'm 17. My moms 53. And my lovable grandma Jennie is nearly 90. Theres the same age difference between my mom & me, as there is between her mom & her. So theres that. And that my grandma won't always be here. Not much longer even from all the stuff she has, mainly in her mind. It's slipping quicker each time we see her...it's really upsetting. It was interesting originally but now it's bad. I love her. And when I one day have kids..they won't ever get to even see/meet her. And it's a shame. Anyone is lucky to meet her. Shes fucking amazingly adorable. A piece of work. Been here forever. Just like her sisters (the people I call my great aunts) Aunt Celia & Josie. <3 They're even older then she is..</3
2) My youngest brother out of the 3 has schizophrenia. Has since he was 18. He is now 33 almost. Well, this coming week he will be. But yea. And not much is really known bout it. Just that it's extremly difficult to tell the difference between reality & the fake world in their minds. The wires are differently connected in important parts of the mind pretty much. It could be extremly dangerous. In fact, a lot of people just can't handle it after awhile. Thus, I'm glad I still have Greg. But somethings deffinatly wrong. From just how I see/hear/talk to/about him, somethings wrong. I honestly think it's getting worse. Somethings have happened to back it up. He's safe but only if he keeps up with all the meds he is on. Specially seeing he's living with my other, middle brother&his family, across the street from me. So I'm starting to think there might soon be new issues with that...I'm just really hoping not. :\
3) When the sad day does come & my grandmother does pass away into heaven...that'll be pretty much my last time ever going back to the house. Mom has even said..she is the one reason we still go. We'll loose a lot of communication with anyone who would still live there. My cousin, aunt, multiple uncles, and both my great aunts & their son peter. =\ And even a bit with my oldest brother... >.< I hate it. But my grandma is the one person besides my mom & Aunt Donna, who have held peace with that side of my family. And seeing I live in Jersey & Aunt Donna in PA...it makes sense as to why..I just... don't know..
4) Okiee...when it comes to the whole me & Luvie situation...I'm perfectly freakin happy with it like this right now. It's unspoken a lot..kind of at least. But I don't know. It's complicated but wierdly enough, I'm fine with this. I have him & he has me. We've got eachother to back up & help out. He is so amazing I fucking swear. I'm really happy & lucky to have met him. I know it. (: He diserves so much better & more tho. I know this & I've told him many times. I love the dude a lot and he means a hella lot to me too. He's amazing, adorable, cute, funny, sweet, caring, compassionate, honest, helpful, an unbelievable friend...he is a lot. x3 I don't ever wanna lose him. Regardless of whatever me & him are, or even become, I'll always be there for him. Even if we just stay simple buddies. I'm happy with him. And if he's happy too, and I can still talk with him, I'm good. Believe me. ^-^ <3With Scruffy & him by my side, I'll be invinsible! xD
2) My youngest brother out of the 3 has schizophrenia. Has since he was 18. He is now 33 almost. Well, this coming week he will be. But yea. And not much is really known bout it. Just that it's extremly difficult to tell the difference between reality & the fake world in their minds. The wires are differently connected in important parts of the mind pretty much. It could be extremly dangerous. In fact, a lot of people just can't handle it after awhile. Thus, I'm glad I still have Greg. But somethings deffinatly wrong. From just how I see/hear/talk to/about him, somethings wrong. I honestly think it's getting worse. Somethings have happened to back it up. He's safe but only if he keeps up with all the meds he is on. Specially seeing he's living with my other, middle brother&his family, across the street from me. So I'm starting to think there might soon be new issues with that...I'm just really hoping not. :\
3) When the sad day does come & my grandmother does pass away into heaven...that'll be pretty much my last time ever going back to the house. Mom has even said..she is the one reason we still go. We'll loose a lot of communication with anyone who would still live there. My cousin, aunt, multiple uncles, and both my great aunts & their son peter. =\ And even a bit with my oldest brother... >.< I hate it. But my grandma is the one person besides my mom & Aunt Donna, who have held peace with that side of my family. And seeing I live in Jersey & Aunt Donna in PA...it makes sense as to why..I just... don't know..
4) Okiee...when it comes to the whole me & Luvie situation...I'm perfectly freakin happy with it like this right now. It's unspoken a lot..kind of at least. But I don't know. It's complicated but wierdly enough, I'm fine with this. I have him & he has me. We've got eachother to back up & help out. He is so amazing I fucking swear. I'm really happy & lucky to have met him. I know it. (: He diserves so much better & more tho. I know this & I've told him many times. I love the dude a lot and he means a hella lot to me too. He's amazing, adorable, cute, funny, sweet, caring, compassionate, honest, helpful, an unbelievable friend...he is a lot. x3 I don't ever wanna lose him. Regardless of whatever me & him are, or even become, I'll always be there for him. Even if we just stay simple buddies. I'm happy with him. And if he's happy too, and I can still talk with him, I'm good. Believe me. ^-^ <3With Scruffy & him by my side, I'll be invinsible! xD
Friday, July 8, 2011
Dude, I'm sick of you. I'm sick of this. You'll say one thing, that you miss me & that you care. But really, actions speak a lot louder then words. Specially with people like you. And the problem is that I care. I care about you, how you are, what you're doing, the whole thing. When you inturn, care more about a slut & video games. Even you're dude best friend is sick of how ignorant you are now. Got grounded four times. And each time, you came back and at least tried talking. Now? The fourth time? What's so fucking different? We're fucking back to where we honestly started. Even worse. You treated me well up till recently. And I know it's not cause of me. You've changed and yet I'm still here. You've heard it a thousand something times, and you still, now, don't even show enough to give a shit. Great job. You're losing the one person who gave you honest faith. Fucker.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
I don't even know what I wanna say here. Just something. Anything would be good. I get that I'm a fucking scew up but people can stop reminding me of that. Please. And if you wanna talk, I'm all ears. I'm here. But when aall you wanna do is shoot me down, don't bother. Please please don't. I'm fucking weak shit and I know it. Believe me I do. I have emotional bonds with people I really wish I never even met. Or talked to. Or even ever knew. People fucking suck, and I'm included in it. I get it. I'm sorry for the way I am. But you're not much fucking better. You know why I talk to some of the people I do? They're decent. I love them. They are actually nice & caring. I'm there for them, just as they are me. But with others? Just cause I'm fucking stupid and I can't let go of the damn past. Why? Cause people who once meant so much, I now mean nothing to. When, in my heart & mind, I meant what I've said. I still care. That's my issue. Ok? That good enough of a reason? I'm sorry I'm not some fucking perfect big titted chick. I'm sorry I'm no ugly barbie. I have a mind, which I try to speak when I can. Or when I think I should. But my heart is legittamtily always hurt. It's been like that for years with these people. And through life, it won't get better. I'm a openly caring person. And that alone screws me over more then90% of the time. I barely have an real confidence, and when I do, it's short lived. Not many people I know are real, and I know I may seem fake. But when I tell you something, I'm not saying it to hear myself. I'm saying it to YOU for a reason. I'm not like that. I don't just give to give. I give for reasons. And when I do, I wish it meant something to someone. I wish just one person would speak up. Really. Other then Scruffy. Who I owe the world to. But someone new. A new face is nice. Someone who isn't like those I've mentioned. Not an everday case. Someone who means what they say & are willing to prove it to me. I have a few in mind, but I doubt any will actually give enough effort. I've been cut down so many times. I even am being hurt as we speak. By someone...two people...I've told & meant that I loved them. What else is wrong with me? Someone wanna care? Someone? I hate being like this...but I had to type this out. I hate showing people what I really think. But here is most of it. I'm sorry to whoever reads this. This is near my worst. I'm weak pathetitic shit. And oh, a bitch now too. How great..
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Stay in My Life....Ok?
Please...just do that much. Please just stay. There's just...peace in me when I'm talking with you. It'd be really nice if we could honestly just go back to what we were. But I know we can't. I know I can't. And better yet? I know you wouldn't...even if I wanted you to.
Ever want something...better yet...someone...you can't have? You know you're better off without...but want anyway? Badly? Even if they're far away? Yep. Hai there. </3
I wanna say I wanna love you.
But my emotions are un-evenly split
In more then two
So I'm really sorry
But I don't know what else
I can say
Or I could even do..
When all I want...
is you...
Ever want something...better yet...someone...you can't have? You know you're better off without...but want anyway? Badly? Even if they're far away? Yep. Hai there. </3
I wanna say I wanna love you.
But my emotions are un-evenly split
In more then two
So I'm really sorry
But I don't know what else
I can say
Or I could even do..
When all I want...
is you...
Monday, July 4, 2011
Complicated or not, here they are ^^
My friends:
Scruffy
Luvie
Dustin
Julie
Amanda
Casey
Tom
Billy
Jake
George
Jimmy
Dan
Joanna
Nicole M
Alex
Sammi
Brad
Justin M
J
Derek
Joe D
Emily H
Jennie
Shane
and theres a few others.
Ones close to my heart though?
Scruffy
Luvie
Tom
Julie
Casey
Joanna
Dustin
Amanda
J
Complicated?
Life.
Scruffy
Luvie
Dustin
Julie
Amanda
Casey
Tom
Billy
Jake
George
Jimmy
Dan
Joanna
Nicole M
Alex
Sammi
Brad
Justin M
J
Derek
Joe D
Emily H
Jennie
Shane
and theres a few others.
Ones close to my heart though?
Scruffy
Luvie
Tom
Julie
Casey
Joanna
Dustin
Amanda
J
Complicated?
Life.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Scruffy, I love you dude. Don't ever foget this.
Honestly, don't ever even try thinking otherwise. There isn't a doubt in my mind. Without you dude, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be who I am today, if it weren't for you. There aren't enough times, or time in general for me to thank you for everything you have ever done for me. And I know it's pretty much impossible. I don't care who else comes into my life bro, you've always got me. You are always my number one. You are always my favorite. I don't fucking care what others say, I know I love you. Always have & always will. You know this. Specially by now. No one could ever replace you. Let alone even come close. We've got to much of a great past. To much in eachother. You're an unbelievably amazing & unforgetable guy. I've never met anyone who could compare or match up. And I know I wont ever meet someone like you. Not to me. You're so special to me. You mean SO, so much. You're my bestest friend. You're my little brother. You are my a part of my prefered family, for life. I'm never gonna leave you Scruff. Even if you were to one day me. I'm always gonna have you in my heart. And my koi fish tattoo & countless gifts & all the words I tell you are proof. Even if the tattoo's a temp. It shows something. I've never said anything like to anyone but you & meant it. I wont ever lie to you. And I'm sorry for anytimes that I had in the past. Vin, you're my favorite human being. And that wont ever change. =]
I love you Scruff (:
I love you Scruff (:
Luvie :3
Dear Luvie,
I freakin' love you dude. ^^ You're an amazing person & guy all around. You mean a lot to me already too. Complete honesty. I've been talking to you for like a month now & I've thanked Amanda so many times. x3 I'm really glad & lucky to be this close with you. I know lifes not easy, and it's usually a pain in thee ass, but still. You diserve so much because of the kinda person you are. You're sweet, funny, caring, lovable, cute, adorable, awesome, and just so much. I'm not even sure if you see it all. I love the fact that I can actually tell you anything and not be judged. At all really, you just try to help me out where you can & make sure I'm okiee. Even with stuff as stupid as my Ex's & Dustin. Thank you so much babe. Really. <3 Please don't let other idiots get to you. You're truly amazing & don't ever forget that. Anyone who argues otherwise is jerk. ^-^ I mean it. I'll always be there for you babe, no matter what. If you ever need anything or anyone, you know I'm here. <3
~Love,
Donna(:
I freakin' love you dude. ^^ You're an amazing person & guy all around. You mean a lot to me already too. Complete honesty. I've been talking to you for like a month now & I've thanked Amanda so many times. x3 I'm really glad & lucky to be this close with you. I know lifes not easy, and it's usually a pain in thee ass, but still. You diserve so much because of the kinda person you are. You're sweet, funny, caring, lovable, cute, adorable, awesome, and just so much. I'm not even sure if you see it all. I love the fact that I can actually tell you anything and not be judged. At all really, you just try to help me out where you can & make sure I'm okiee. Even with stuff as stupid as my Ex's & Dustin. Thank you so much babe. Really. <3 Please don't let other idiots get to you. You're truly amazing & don't ever forget that. Anyone who argues otherwise is jerk. ^-^ I mean it. I'll always be there for you babe, no matter what. If you ever need anything or anyone, you know I'm here. <3
~Love,
Donna(:
Friday, July 1, 2011
You know the basics of how I feel when it comes to you, or at least hope you do. Specially by now. But honestly dude, I don't really know what it is about us now, but I won't ever let you go. You once meant to much. You have meant too much. And you probably always will. I do still mean that. You are my buddy. You'll always be my buddy. But nothing more. When I go down and finnally visit, we'll still all just have a good time. Me, Our best friend, and you. I wouldn't want it any other way. And who'd you think I'll be with while he's here? It'll be you & Shane. The movies, the stars, the laughs, and just everything we've ever wanted, just edited a bit. We won't be together, and I don't want to be. We're always gonna be those 2 who are better off as friends. And I say that because I can't fully believe the things you say. The stuff you do. And who you seem to be becoming. I love you for you, but I know you don't. You want change. Your even probably scared of where you're going, just don't know or even wanna stop. You think it helps, when it only hurts. You don't get the reactions or the feelings you long for, so you go deeper. And honestly babe, it won't work. It won't ever work unless you just learn to end this. There was a reason I met you Dustin. There were feelings. There are real feelings. Always will & always has been. I'm not gonna leave you like the rest, not like that. You will always have me to back you up, or at least try 'n help. I see a lot of potential. A lot of hope for a kid like you. You're becoming a young man. And I've meant when I've called you an amazing one. I get you're young, we all are. And your life is nothing that you would wish it were...and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all those who have ever done you wrong. Ever hurt you. Ever screwed you up or over. I say this cause I care & I know some of them will never own up. But really dude, don't let that get to you so bad. Even subconciously. You don't truly think stuff out as much as you should. You know this. But honestly, you have me. You have Scruffy. You have your mom. You have amazing people in your life. Ones I know that count. And I'm hoping mean something big to you. You're an unbelievable young man. One I know could do whatever he really wished & wanted & tried for. One I will always be here for. You are a part of my life Dustin. Wrong choices or not. I might be wrong & stupid for this, but I can't let you go. Nor do I want to. You get me so mad, so hurt, so upset, worried, sad, annoyed....so many emotions happen with me. Sometimes cause of you. And regardless, I'm here. I'm here to stay dude...wheather you'd prefer me not to be or not. I'll always be here too. You really honestly do have a lot of greatness in you, you just gotta learn where to unlock it. Look towards the future, deal with the past & enjoy & learn from the present.
I love you for you Dustin.
You & Scruffy both. You two are amazing. I wouldn't replace you guys.
You both are just on different scales. And of course, Scruffy will always be my #1. So duh. He's my brother & bestestest friend.
But don't count yourself out. Just cause he's there, doesn't mean that I lie when I say you mean a lot too.
I love you for you Dustin.
You & Scruffy both. You two are amazing. I wouldn't replace you guys.
You both are just on different scales. And of course, Scruffy will always be my #1. So duh. He's my brother & bestestest friend.
But don't count yourself out. Just cause he's there, doesn't mean that I lie when I say you mean a lot too.
68 :D
So I'm kinda sorta really really proud of myself so far. Less then a year & I haz around 68 dollars left before I can leave this desserted, screwed up piece of crap town & head for Florida. <3
With just that amount, I'll finnally be out of here for awhile. Something that seemed really difficult wasn't to bad. Specially seeing I don't have a job currently.
Once I reach the amount I need, the rest is completly up to me. I can save up whatever else I wanna for while Im down there. But the major hill will be done. And I just can't even wait! <33333
With just that amount, I'll finnally be out of here for awhile. Something that seemed really difficult wasn't to bad. Specially seeing I don't have a job currently.
Once I reach the amount I need, the rest is completly up to me. I can save up whatever else I wanna for while Im down there. But the major hill will be done. And I just can't even wait! <33333
17 Today (:
Today is finally my 17th birthday. And it can be a very scary thought. Not just for what has happened...but for the fact I'm nearly an adult. I've gone through Seventeen years in this fucked up world. And I've become someone I never truly could've ever guessed to be. And really now? I'm actually thinking that it's okiee for once. <3
I might chose some "wrong" & "bad" people to care about. And yea, it fucks me up a lot. But whatever. There IS a reason I happen to choose them ya know.
I might not be as smart as I'd like, or be on the path I'd prefer, but I will get to my dream one day. I will, I know it. I have the freakin balls to. Nothings gonna stop me from being the best. The best that I can be. No one & nothing. <3
I've changed. And Imma cold heart bitch & totally sweethearted moron...but hey. I'm not anyone else. There is no one that could ever truly replace the mark I've left on those I care for & who care for me back.
I've learned that sometimes people just hide behind their emotions to deal with themselves. Let alone the world they're stuck in. But you know something? There's a sense of freedom that I'm starting to get, and I'm not going to waste it. Not at all.
I'm growing up, and with it, life rushes by. Crap happens, and the wind will blow you down sometimes. But you always got support. You've always got friends & family to back you up. And never forget how amazing YOU are. I don't care what others say. Respect me & I'll respect you. There was a reason for each person you've met. Each thing you've done. Everythings a path, and all path criss-cross. Lifes a fucked up fun ass journey. Time to enjoy the ride. Ride the waves dude.
<3
I might chose some "wrong" & "bad" people to care about. And yea, it fucks me up a lot. But whatever. There IS a reason I happen to choose them ya know.
I might not be as smart as I'd like, or be on the path I'd prefer, but I will get to my dream one day. I will, I know it. I have the freakin balls to. Nothings gonna stop me from being the best. The best that I can be. No one & nothing. <3
I've changed. And Imma cold heart bitch & totally sweethearted moron...but hey. I'm not anyone else. There is no one that could ever truly replace the mark I've left on those I care for & who care for me back.
I've learned that sometimes people just hide behind their emotions to deal with themselves. Let alone the world they're stuck in. But you know something? There's a sense of freedom that I'm starting to get, and I'm not going to waste it. Not at all.
I'm growing up, and with it, life rushes by. Crap happens, and the wind will blow you down sometimes. But you always got support. You've always got friends & family to back you up. And never forget how amazing YOU are. I don't care what others say. Respect me & I'll respect you. There was a reason for each person you've met. Each thing you've done. Everythings a path, and all path criss-cross. Lifes a fucked up fun ass journey. Time to enjoy the ride. Ride the waves dude.
<3
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Blood on the fucking Dance Floor
People can really think what they want. I actually see myself semi decently now and I know what my problems are. There you are guys. Happy? Hope not. You insignicifacnt losers I constantly surround myself with. Why? I was for a LONG time a attention hogging little naive bitch. To bad. I'm fucking 17 tomorow. So how bout instead of telling me how to live, you actually grab some self-decciancy & get a life? That'd be peachy. :D
People reach a certain limit before they're officially done. It's never for long but whatever. I really don't give a fuck bout most human kind. It's summer and I'm outta the drama.
Later fuckers. <3
^Not pointed at anyone, just everyone.
People reach a certain limit before they're officially done. It's never for long but whatever. I really don't give a fuck bout most human kind. It's summer and I'm outta the drama.
Later fuckers. <3
^Not pointed at anyone, just everyone.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
I just want to get out of here.
It really is honestly that simple. Not forever, but for a long while. I'm ready as ever but now I have to wait. One more year. One more god forsaken fucking year. I don't care if it's simply for the summer. It's going to be every summer. I want out of this town. This county. I just can't do it. I want Florida. I want PA. I want NY. Just....not here. I can't keep dealing with m parents let alone my "friends".
Monday, June 27, 2011
You
You make me feel like I actually mean something to someone. I mean...more then the "family" or "best friend" sense. At least, a little bit. I know we aren't more then that, not techincally, but I'm really glad I know for a fact I have you. That you give a shit about me. That you're truthfully there.
Already we can open up to eachother. Even if it's deep & personal. We can talk about anything. There's no such thing as an akward silence. Not at all. And I love it. I love you. Pretty much.
You're amazing. I've given you most of the list of what I think of you. And you honestly make my day just by talking to me. It's kinda wierd, but I'm not one complaining. Not at all. Most of my friends know your name by now. You even get along with my bestest friend. That & your past & how you just are....I give you so much. So much respect & credit & I'll always be here for you Luvie. Honestly.
I do. (:
Already we can open up to eachother. Even if it's deep & personal. We can talk about anything. There's no such thing as an akward silence. Not at all. And I love it. I love you. Pretty much.
You're amazing. I've given you most of the list of what I think of you. And you honestly make my day just by talking to me. It's kinda wierd, but I'm not one complaining. Not at all. Most of my friends know your name by now. You even get along with my bestest friend. That & your past & how you just are....I give you so much. So much respect & credit & I'll always be here for you Luvie. Honestly.
I do. (:
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Confession to myself..
I know that I won't ever let you go. No matter what you have or whatever you may/will cause me. I never did truly move on and at tis point, with these emotions, I really think it nearly impossible. I barely think it. And I hate & refuse to admit it to myself how much I actually care about you. How much I actually like you. How much I actually, just maybe, possibly, slightly love you...
I can't. I simply can not have these feelings. I don't know what caused them. Where the fuck they came from. Or why they wont leave. I don't wanna admit it to anyone. Let alone you. Let alone me. Cause I simply can't. But truth is, they're here. And they aren't budging.
You're such a fucking screwed up, lying, semi-manipulative, douche, sex driven, disgusting, addicted little ass.
You can be so sweet, funny, smart, respecful, caring, loving, adorable....perfect.
But what the heck.
What the fuck.
Why do you just...I don't know really...just play these games?
Say the things you do. Do the things "in the moment" and yet expect nothing new. You know how we feel, specially me (to a certain degree) and so when you're out, you imidatly say anything you think you could, to get you out & home free.
And up till this time? It's worked.
I've tried so much....so..soo..much. It scares me. I regret a lot to be honest. But I can't decide if you're one of mine. Fuck, I can't even think what you mean to me. Let alone what I ACTUALLY am to you.
Cause god forbid I mean something. I mean, reality anyway.
I blame myself for SO much. SO much with what has happened to you. I...I can't. I do though. You're smoking. You're pain. You're broken hearts & the drama that comes with it. I'm sorry I ever really left. But I've been here the whole time. And you've known this. I guess it might've been different?
I don't even know what to think with you.
But trust me....
You're never NOT with me. You are always on my mind. You. You can make me or break me. You have the ability...and you just abuse it. Best part? You don't even know, nor do you try. And you'll never care enough to even try 'n figure out.
Have fun being grounded.
I'm having fun being secretly misarable.
Not that you can do anything to truly fix that. Never have other then me somehow letting myself fall for your sweet&kind&caring about me living acts.
You'll never know ANY of this. No one, other then the 2 who read this will.
No one else.
And sometimes, I get to the point of just exploding.
You don't know how hard I try not to with you. How not to let the world know how much of a dumbass I actually am...for having someone like who you've become...have most of my heart. 24/7. It's sickening at times.
Even my newest friends know somethings wrong. But I wont tell them. And the reason is only cause of who you try to be.
You make your own life complicated...you shouldn't. You have a lot. It's not simple, but nothing gets better.
I wish sometimes you could read all this, and everything would be okiee. But I know exactly what you would actually say.
Then a week later I'd be dead.
I can't. I simply can not have these feelings. I don't know what caused them. Where the fuck they came from. Or why they wont leave. I don't wanna admit it to anyone. Let alone you. Let alone me. Cause I simply can't. But truth is, they're here. And they aren't budging.
You're such a fucking screwed up, lying, semi-manipulative, douche, sex driven, disgusting, addicted little ass.
You can be so sweet, funny, smart, respecful, caring, loving, adorable....perfect.
But what the heck.
What the fuck.
Why do you just...I don't know really...just play these games?
Say the things you do. Do the things "in the moment" and yet expect nothing new. You know how we feel, specially me (to a certain degree) and so when you're out, you imidatly say anything you think you could, to get you out & home free.
And up till this time? It's worked.
I've tried so much....so..soo..much. It scares me. I regret a lot to be honest. But I can't decide if you're one of mine. Fuck, I can't even think what you mean to me. Let alone what I ACTUALLY am to you.
Cause god forbid I mean something. I mean, reality anyway.
I blame myself for SO much. SO much with what has happened to you. I...I can't. I do though. You're smoking. You're pain. You're broken hearts & the drama that comes with it. I'm sorry I ever really left. But I've been here the whole time. And you've known this. I guess it might've been different?
I don't even know what to think with you.
But trust me....
You're never NOT with me. You are always on my mind. You. You can make me or break me. You have the ability...and you just abuse it. Best part? You don't even know, nor do you try. And you'll never care enough to even try 'n figure out.
Have fun being grounded.
I'm having fun being secretly misarable.
Not that you can do anything to truly fix that. Never have other then me somehow letting myself fall for your sweet&kind&caring about me living acts.
You'll never know ANY of this. No one, other then the 2 who read this will.
No one else.
And sometimes, I get to the point of just exploding.
You don't know how hard I try not to with you. How not to let the world know how much of a dumbass I actually am...for having someone like who you've become...have most of my heart. 24/7. It's sickening at times.
Even my newest friends know somethings wrong. But I wont tell them. And the reason is only cause of who you try to be.
You make your own life complicated...you shouldn't. You have a lot. It's not simple, but nothing gets better.
I wish sometimes you could read all this, and everything would be okiee. But I know exactly what you would actually say.
Then a week later I'd be dead.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
The cryings gotta quit
These stunts
These reasons
They all lead to the same
Lonely end
I can't believe the people
I've let myself
Fall so hard
Let myself completly go
Just to hear "hi" for.
I can't retrace my steps
This I know
All I can do is move on
But really?
I know I have at least 2 or 3 people
But I just
I don't know
I just kinda don't wanna.
These stunts
These reasons
They all lead to the same
Lonely end
I can't believe the people
I've let myself
Fall so hard
Let myself completly go
Just to hear "hi" for.
I can't retrace my steps
This I know
All I can do is move on
But really?
I know I have at least 2 or 3 people
But I just
I don't know
I just kinda don't wanna.
Promise after fucking promise
I'm sick of you and your little deals
The ones you make inside your head
Are so far gone
Up and around your god dammed sorry ass
I'm so done with all the "ideas" that you create
I'm sorry but I've always been there
And I finally think
Thats enough and it's time to go
I don't wanna leave
Not one bit
But I can't keep hurting me
Hurting myself
Just because
You plan to kill yourself
I'm really sick of all the stunts you have pulled
The smokings gotta stop
And the worst part is
That you've promised you would
Flat out to me
And you try to be sweet
Each time you get caught
You know my fucking past
You know my fucking life
And prank or not
Regardless of whatever we were
Because of what you've done to me
And not to forget yourself
Thats long gone
And forever dead
Nothing last forever
But forever is dead
And soon,
Because of you
So will I be inside
Simply because you lied.
The ones you make inside your head
Are so far gone
Up and around your god dammed sorry ass
I'm so done with all the "ideas" that you create
I'm sorry but I've always been there
And I finally think
Thats enough and it's time to go
I don't wanna leave
Not one bit
But I can't keep hurting me
Hurting myself
Just because
You plan to kill yourself
I'm really sick of all the stunts you have pulled
The smokings gotta stop
And the worst part is
That you've promised you would
Flat out to me
And you try to be sweet
Each time you get caught
You know my fucking past
You know my fucking life
And prank or not
Regardless of whatever we were
Because of what you've done to me
And not to forget yourself
Thats long gone
And forever dead
Nothing last forever
But forever is dead
And soon,
Because of you
So will I be inside
Simply because you lied.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Goodbye to Junior year
I'm now done with my junior year
And my god what a year it's been
And I don't know if I'd like to know
How Senior year will turn out
I've fucked up a lot
But I'm not alone
Not really at least
I've learned a lot more
Then I thought I ever would
And I have to thank so much
I know it wont ever happen again
Not like this at least
But wow
They were right
Time does fly
Right by
It's amazing in a sense
To think it's almost over
When I can still remember
When it all began
I've known some of these people
Since they were tiny
And I mean tinier then me
Just like in eighth grade
We're nearly at the top
The top of the food chain
We're nearly graduating
A year & a day away
I'm almost 17
In less then a month
When I can still clearly see
Me being 13
When this all happen?
And my god what a year it's been
And I don't know if I'd like to know
How Senior year will turn out
I've fucked up a lot
But I'm not alone
Not really at least
I've learned a lot more
Then I thought I ever would
And I have to thank so much
I know it wont ever happen again
Not like this at least
But wow
They were right
Time does fly
Right by
It's amazing in a sense
To think it's almost over
When I can still remember
When it all began
I've known some of these people
Since they were tiny
And I mean tinier then me
Just like in eighth grade
We're nearly at the top
The top of the food chain
We're nearly graduating
A year & a day away
I'm almost 17
In less then a month
When I can still clearly see
Me being 13
When this all happen?
Truth
You know what
Forget it
I'm going to live my life
Regardless of what
Any of you got to say
I'm done
I wont say I don't care
But I don't
Not to much
I'm just done
I can't keep this shit up
It's time to live it up
I'm a fucking senior bitch
Wanna talk shit?
Go ahead
You wouldn't be the first
You won't ever read this
And I just hope you know
That you're fucking nothing
And that's all you'll ever be
As for me?
I'm living it up
Doing what I want
Not following any crowd
I am who I am
And I'm proud of me
That's true at least
Forget it
I'm going to live my life
Regardless of what
Any of you got to say
I'm done
I wont say I don't care
But I don't
Not to much
I'm just done
I can't keep this shit up
It's time to live it up
I'm a fucking senior bitch
Wanna talk shit?
Go ahead
You wouldn't be the first
You won't ever read this
And I just hope you know
That you're fucking nothing
And that's all you'll ever be
As for me?
I'm living it up
Doing what I want
Not following any crowd
I am who I am
And I'm proud of me
That's true at least
Monday, June 20, 2011
All I want
I know what I've said
And what I've promised others
Let alone myself
I told everyone
Even me
That I wouldn't go there
I wouldn't do distance again
But what the fuck
Why is it you?
Why does it have to be like this?
You're all I can think of
Both day & night
And I can't take it
I know you're not into me
At least not like I am you
I've barely known you
Longer then a given week
And already
You're driving me insane
You're all I want
And I guess I get it
But why
I didn't want a boyfriend
Not before you
But I don't even know
Not anymore
I would probably say yes
Not that you would
Ever even ask
But I fucking like you
More then I can stand
Ask any of my friends
You come up a lot
Like Tom has said
"So you the infamous Luvie?"
Well yea, you are.
You're fucking amazing.
And I know that already
But I can't do this
I'm going nuts
I'm always thinking
Always involving you
And I know
That because of it,
I will drive you insane soon
And I'm sorry
But you're all I want now...
And what I've promised others
Let alone myself
I told everyone
Even me
That I wouldn't go there
I wouldn't do distance again
But what the fuck
Why is it you?
Why does it have to be like this?
You're all I can think of
Both day & night
And I can't take it
I know you're not into me
At least not like I am you
I've barely known you
Longer then a given week
And already
You're driving me insane
You're all I want
And I guess I get it
But why
I didn't want a boyfriend
Not before you
But I don't even know
Not anymore
I would probably say yes
Not that you would
Ever even ask
But I fucking like you
More then I can stand
Ask any of my friends
You come up a lot
Like Tom has said
"So you the infamous Luvie?"
Well yea, you are.
You're fucking amazing.
And I know that already
But I can't do this
I'm going nuts
I'm always thinking
Always involving you
And I know
That because of it,
I will drive you insane soon
And I'm sorry
But you're all I want now...
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Him
He gives me some faith in humantiy
That not everyone has to be the same
That every background
Can actually be different
Some having harder lifes
Then others may even ever think
I don't care what some might say
I barely know him
And I can already see myself falling
Falling into like with him
I wont say love
Cause I know its not that
I care to much
And he's so sweet
He means whatever he says
It might not be ordinary
But thats makes him true
It makes him real
I can't think of another time
Where everything just kind of
Fell into place
I'm growing up still
This I know
But I'm hopeing he isn't
And will never just be
One of them
One of anything
I hope he stays
Even if it's far away
I want him with me
By my side
And I already know
if he ever does chose to leave
It'd be way hard
For me to do the same
Cause he's already
Part of my routine
And honestly?
I wouldn't change it
That not everyone has to be the same
That every background
Can actually be different
Some having harder lifes
Then others may even ever think
I don't care what some might say
I barely know him
And I can already see myself falling
Falling into like with him
I wont say love
Cause I know its not that
I care to much
And he's so sweet
He means whatever he says
It might not be ordinary
But thats makes him true
It makes him real
I can't think of another time
Where everything just kind of
Fell into place
I'm growing up still
This I know
But I'm hopeing he isn't
And will never just be
One of them
One of anything
I hope he stays
Even if it's far away
I want him with me
By my side
And I already know
if he ever does chose to leave
It'd be way hard
For me to do the same
Cause he's already
Part of my routine
And honestly?
I wouldn't change it
Friday, June 17, 2011
He wouldn't, I wouldn't
I know he wouldn't be. Thing is he wont. He isn't like that, and wanna know something? Neither am I. I meant it when I said I'm staying out of the little bf circle for awhile. I'm not interested, and I wouldn't let that happen. I don't like him, he doesn't like me. I've been cheated on many of times too. So don't worry about that.
Hey, it's not it'd be a secret anyway. You're reading whatever I write anyway. lol
Hey, it's not it'd be a secret anyway. You're reading whatever I write anyway. lol
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Thank you
Thank you to all those who have known me, loved me, feared me, hated me, all of you guys & girls. You've made me into what I am today. And today, I've learned to except it and embrase (I can't spell for shit) it. I don't care what you think or what you say behind my back or even simply in your head. I've heard it all before, and nothings ever new.
History often repeats itself and your no exception. Thank you for all those times you have helped me out. And maybe even the times to come. But more importantly thank you for helping me become who I am. The me you saw today. The me you always hear about. Whether it be good or bad.
I'm sorry for all those times I've ever hurt you. But you've done pretty much the same back. And people, in this case, are right. It's time for change. It's time to move on. You can never be replaced. Not after all we've been through. We've both still got another year left together. And I'm sorry if it's not the way you'd like it to be. But it's how it is, and I'm moving on. I'm hoping you will too.
We're taking our time off from eachother now. Just like we planned. I'm sorry for intruding on a day that wasn't supposed to happen. But I called him cause he had called me. I simply wanted to see if he was done with his project. But I still apologize. And I always will. But not for everything. For you see, everything in life isn't fair. But some stuff should be in my mind. I'm sorry for all the pain you've gone through. And nothings ever exactly the same for others. But I get the idea. And it's a two way street.
I know you might read this. At the same time, I'm kinda wondering if you will. And I hope the messages in here are clear. I did care, and I always will. Just not to the same degree I once did with you. Me & him, will never be more then friends. And I'm happy to see him happy. And believe me, you do that with him so well. I'm glad he found you. But just because of that, doesn't mean I'm out. I've changed a bit throughout this whole thing. I've become somewhat more open with things. Both saying & doing. I don't know if it'll end up hurting me in the end, but for now it's all good. I'm sorry for how we act. But we're just close friends. He's like both my brother & son. And he'll say the same, I'm his sister & his mother. But please just do me one favor if you will?
I don't care what happens with us...I just don't wanna see him heartbroken or upset. So please be honest with him. Be truthfull and nice. He really does care about you so much. He talks about you a lot too. Believe me. He always has since you two met. And I've said it once, I'll say it again. You guys are good together. On a deeper scale at least. May not have much intrests in common, but you have emotions. Deeper then I can probably even imagine. So just keep the both of you happy if you can please? You're not a second. Never were. Not really. Trust me on this.
I know it doesn't mean much, but I love seeing you two happy. Just as I would any other friend and their girlfriend/boyfriend. But just know, I'm still there, just in a different mindset. I'm the sister now, and I'm perfectly happy with that. My job is to make sure he's happy. My methods are kinda off, but it works usually. But you mean so much to him, and you're happy with him. That's what counts to me. You guys together is amazing. And I'm sorry for any portion I've screwed up.
I know I'm just rambiling. But the break-up with us is on. Now when we hang out, it'll be seperatly. You & him. Me & him and maybe our friends. So it should all work out. Just look to the future, not the past. I've apologzied honestly for what I believe I've actually done.
"Keep your hopes up high & your head down low"-ADTR
History often repeats itself and your no exception. Thank you for all those times you have helped me out. And maybe even the times to come. But more importantly thank you for helping me become who I am. The me you saw today. The me you always hear about. Whether it be good or bad.
I'm sorry for all those times I've ever hurt you. But you've done pretty much the same back. And people, in this case, are right. It's time for change. It's time to move on. You can never be replaced. Not after all we've been through. We've both still got another year left together. And I'm sorry if it's not the way you'd like it to be. But it's how it is, and I'm moving on. I'm hoping you will too.
We're taking our time off from eachother now. Just like we planned. I'm sorry for intruding on a day that wasn't supposed to happen. But I called him cause he had called me. I simply wanted to see if he was done with his project. But I still apologize. And I always will. But not for everything. For you see, everything in life isn't fair. But some stuff should be in my mind. I'm sorry for all the pain you've gone through. And nothings ever exactly the same for others. But I get the idea. And it's a two way street.
I know you might read this. At the same time, I'm kinda wondering if you will. And I hope the messages in here are clear. I did care, and I always will. Just not to the same degree I once did with you. Me & him, will never be more then friends. And I'm happy to see him happy. And believe me, you do that with him so well. I'm glad he found you. But just because of that, doesn't mean I'm out. I've changed a bit throughout this whole thing. I've become somewhat more open with things. Both saying & doing. I don't know if it'll end up hurting me in the end, but for now it's all good. I'm sorry for how we act. But we're just close friends. He's like both my brother & son. And he'll say the same, I'm his sister & his mother. But please just do me one favor if you will?
I don't care what happens with us...I just don't wanna see him heartbroken or upset. So please be honest with him. Be truthfull and nice. He really does care about you so much. He talks about you a lot too. Believe me. He always has since you two met. And I've said it once, I'll say it again. You guys are good together. On a deeper scale at least. May not have much intrests in common, but you have emotions. Deeper then I can probably even imagine. So just keep the both of you happy if you can please? You're not a second. Never were. Not really. Trust me on this.
I know it doesn't mean much, but I love seeing you two happy. Just as I would any other friend and their girlfriend/boyfriend. But just know, I'm still there, just in a different mindset. I'm the sister now, and I'm perfectly happy with that. My job is to make sure he's happy. My methods are kinda off, but it works usually. But you mean so much to him, and you're happy with him. That's what counts to me. You guys together is amazing. And I'm sorry for any portion I've screwed up.
I know I'm just rambiling. But the break-up with us is on. Now when we hang out, it'll be seperatly. You & him. Me & him and maybe our friends. So it should all work out. Just look to the future, not the past. I've apologzied honestly for what I believe I've actually done.
"Keep your hopes up high & your head down low"-ADTR
You know what I've realized?
I've realized that just because some people are different, doesn't mean that they should have it held against them.
So what if some people prefer rap? So what if some people rather listen to R&B? Does it really make your life any different?
Some people are straight, others gay, lez or bi.
Some people like blue, others red, green, purple or orange.
Some people short, others are average or tall as shit.
Yea it's different. But it makes a person unique. And uniqueness shouldn't be considered such a dammed crime.
A life time of punishment from those who are "popular" or those who say their "normal" is stupid. All the bullying. The down-grading. Everyone's beautiful. Maybe not what you think is considered it outside, but inner beauty is just as strong. You just have to be willing enough to see or look for it.
Peoples issues, their "flaws" are simply obstacles and un-seen perfection.
I know I'm probably not one to talk. Or the only reason that you think I'm saying this, is cause "I'm one of them." Well, actually, with that you're right. I am "one of them" as you were thinking or saying aloud. And I'm proud of it right now. There's always those times that everyone just asks themselves why they're even still on this earth. With all of these god dammed morons and jerks and crap like that. That you wish you could just end it all and simply not exsist.
I've been there. I am there.
Well the fact that you ARE still here, shows me something. The fact you're able to take the time to read what I'm saying & thinking, proves something I was hoping to be right about.
It shows that, inside you, there's something there. There is a spark. A very, very important part of your soul. One of which most people have long ago killed by doing what others say, and not what they think is right.
I'm proud of all who read this for me. I really am. And if I've asked you to read this & even given you the site to do so, I want you to know that I love you. I really fucking do. I mean really, do you think I'd say this to someone I didn't? Would I wanna save someone I didn't strongly care for? The answer's no boo. You're special, honestly.
<3
So listen up. Just for a second now babe. You're amazing. And I love you. Try 'n stay positive. For me, and for the others I know for a fact are up there & here, that love & care for you. You were brought into this world, into this friendship, for a reason. And I wouldn't trade you for anyone else. So please, be yourself. For you.
Trust me, no one else could be.
You could, never...ever be replaced.
So what if some people prefer rap? So what if some people rather listen to R&B? Does it really make your life any different?
Some people are straight, others gay, lez or bi.
Some people like blue, others red, green, purple or orange.
Some people short, others are average or tall as shit.
Yea it's different. But it makes a person unique. And uniqueness shouldn't be considered such a dammed crime.
A life time of punishment from those who are "popular" or those who say their "normal" is stupid. All the bullying. The down-grading. Everyone's beautiful. Maybe not what you think is considered it outside, but inner beauty is just as strong. You just have to be willing enough to see or look for it.
Peoples issues, their "flaws" are simply obstacles and un-seen perfection.
I know I'm probably not one to talk. Or the only reason that you think I'm saying this, is cause "I'm one of them." Well, actually, with that you're right. I am "one of them" as you were thinking or saying aloud. And I'm proud of it right now. There's always those times that everyone just asks themselves why they're even still on this earth. With all of these god dammed morons and jerks and crap like that. That you wish you could just end it all and simply not exsist.
I've been there. I am there.
Well the fact that you ARE still here, shows me something. The fact you're able to take the time to read what I'm saying & thinking, proves something I was hoping to be right about.
It shows that, inside you, there's something there. There is a spark. A very, very important part of your soul. One of which most people have long ago killed by doing what others say, and not what they think is right.
I'm proud of all who read this for me. I really am. And if I've asked you to read this & even given you the site to do so, I want you to know that I love you. I really fucking do. I mean really, do you think I'd say this to someone I didn't? Would I wanna save someone I didn't strongly care for? The answer's no boo. You're special, honestly.
<3
So listen up. Just for a second now babe. You're amazing. And I love you. Try 'n stay positive. For me, and for the others I know for a fact are up there & here, that love & care for you. You were brought into this world, into this friendship, for a reason. And I wouldn't trade you for anyone else. So please, be yourself. For you.
Trust me, no one else could be.
You could, never...ever be replaced.
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