Confession to myself..

I know that I won't ever let you go. No matter what you have or whatever you may/will cause me. I never did truly move on and at tis point, with these emotions, I really think it nearly impossible. I barely think it. And I hate & refuse to admit it to myself how much I actually care about you. How much I actually like you. How much I actually, just maybe, possibly, slightly love you...
I can't. I simply can not have these feelings. I don't know what caused them. Where the fuck they came from. Or why they wont leave. I don't wanna admit it to anyone. Let alone you. Let alone me. Cause I simply can't. But truth is, they're here. And they aren't budging.
You're such a fucking screwed up, lying, semi-manipulative, douche, sex driven, disgusting, addicted little ass.
You can be so sweet, funny, smart, respecful, caring, loving, adorable....perfect.
But what the heck.
What the fuck.
Why do you just...I don't know really...just play these games?
Say the things you do. Do the things "in the moment" and yet expect nothing new. You know how we feel, specially me (to a certain degree) and so when you're out, you imidatly say anything you think you could, to get you out & home free.
And up till this time? It's worked.
I've tried so much....so..soo..much. It scares me. I regret a lot to be honest. But I can't decide if you're one of mine. Fuck, I can't even think what you mean to me. Let alone what I ACTUALLY am to you.
Cause god forbid I mean something. I mean, reality anyway.
I blame myself for SO much. SO much with what has happened to you. I...I can't. I do though. You're smoking. You're pain. You're broken hearts & the drama that comes with it. I'm sorry I ever really left. But I've been here the whole time. And you've known this. I guess it might've been different?
I don't even know what to think with you.
But trust me....
You're never NOT with me. You are always on my mind. You. You can make me or break me. You have the ability...and you just abuse it. Best part? You don't even know, nor do you try. And you'll never care enough to even try 'n figure out.
Have fun being grounded.
I'm having fun being secretly misarable.
Not that you can do anything to truly fix that. Never have other then me somehow letting myself fall for your sweet&kind&caring about me living acts.
You'll never know ANY of this. No one, other then the 2 who read this will.
No one else.
And sometimes, I get to the point of just exploding.
You don't know how hard I try not to with you. How not to let the world know how much of a dumbass I actually am...for having someone like who you've become...have most of my heart. 24/7. It's sickening at times.
Even my newest friends know somethings wrong. But I wont tell them. And the reason is only cause of who you try to be.
You make your own life complicated...you shouldn't. You have a lot. It's not simple, but nothing gets better.
I wish sometimes you could read all this, and everything would be okiee. But I know exactly what you would actually say.
Then a week later I'd be dead.