SATs

SATs can suck my non exsistent dick. Not for being hard. No not at all. But cause of when the next one is. And the fact my parents are NOW bitchin' at me cause I don't give two shits.

It's great getting ignored by people isn't? Especially by those you care a lot more then you know you should. I mean, what the fuck. I'm not a temporary person. You can't just deal with and decide to talk to me when you want. Not the way you're handiling it at least. You only are sweet & adorable when you want something. Or whenever you need actual help. And everyone else has wised up and chose not to be there. Right? Exactly.
I don't know what the fuck it even is about you. I really think its cause you say what no one else does about me. Well, not meaningfully anyway. I really do. That, and my head is up my god forsaken ass and hidden somewhere in the past when you DID care about my feelings. Human emotions, specially teenaged ones, girls...are not play toys. What.The.Fuck.Dude. Why they HELL do I care SO god damn much?!? T-T It's really annoying.
At times, I'm in a pissy mood and you MAGICALLY appear on my phone and text me being all fucking cute and sweet and caring and just...I know not to listen. I know not to believe what you say..but the more we talk, the more I put what you did aside. And I get my hopes up that you grew up. That you've changed.
But times like today are proof you haven't. They really fucking are. I don't know what or how you do it dude, but stop. Please. You're screwing me up badly. And you fucking know it. I still have feelings for you. Whatever they even were or are, they're there. Ok? HAPPY? I said it. You might not have seen "us" as real. But I sure as hell did. And I still think of what we could have been.
Then again, I'm just another idiot.

Continuing on from the last post, it's odd. I went from seeing Cole nearly everyday, if not every OTHER day, to now looking for him at his usual spots and not seeing him at all. Even on a day as nice as yesterday. I think I saw him go into his place, but I'm not quite sure. Two other guys went up the stairs to his house around Me & Tom's 3rd trip to thee deli.
And in Ecology, Dana had asked if I played Hooke yesterday cause I stayed home from school, but went outside and hungout after school let out. She must of saw me outside Tommy's. I figured she works there, maybe she might know more about Cole, seeing I am yet to see him since the day we met.
I asked her if the dude living upstairs from her job was a kid or college dude or what. She was really confused. But she got my point, and said she wasn't sure. All she knew was that there's a rocker dude who plays drums upstairs. She got the rocker idea after I said the dude I was talking about looks like a mix of Jack Black & Jack Sparrow. x3
OH! And according to Jake & Billy, he was the really hyped up dude that had YELLED at Billy "ARE YOU EVIL OR ARE YOU NOT?!" Which actually kinda pretty much mind fucked both of them....but yea. Apparently Cole might have some form of a Monster energy drink addiction.

MINE.

<3

Is it wierd?

Is it wierd, that the same day that I'm finnally able to recall everything that happened back then, that I make a new friend? None the less, this friend looking like a similar Kyle? Just...ya know...mixed in with Jack Black & Johnnie Dep....xD lmfao. But yea. His name's Cole.

Me & Tom were walking about a block down from my house. Towards Winsor (School #1). And we saw this dude, he looked REALLLLLLLYYYY dammed familiar to me too. Still does. So me being me, I decided to yell haii at him. He turns and says yo. We start talking. It goes like this:

Me: Hai!
Him: Yo whats up?
Me: Nothing really, you?
Him: Cool, same.
-waits a few seconds as he keeps walking eventually-
Me: You look familiar
Him: Really? -laughs-
Me: Yea its kinda wierd actually. You really do.
Him: Well I've seen you around. You know Tommys Taste of Italy? The pizza place?
Me: Yea I love the place
Him: Cool, I live above the place. Moved in the summer. You've probably seen me walking around.
Me: Awesome! I live down the street kinda.
Him: Thats cool, whats your name?
Me: Donna, you?
Him: Donna? Cole.
Me: Nice name.
Him: Haha thanks
-Few more seconds later-
Tom: Did anyone ever tell you you look a little like Jack Black?
Him: Jack Black? Really? Haha
Me&Tom: Just a little bit but yea
Him: Haha thats cool I guess. Whats your name dude?
Tom: Tom
Him: Tom? Cool. I'm Cole.
-They shake hands and he starts walking ahead more towards gas station-
Him: I catch you guys later. Nice meeting you!
Us: Later dude

He seems pretty cool.(: Not too creepy but he lives above the pizza place. So Imma be careful. Plus, idk how old the guy even IS yet. So cha. Lets see how this goes.

I finnally remember....I remember what happened. I get it all now. I really do. I know I said I wouldn't talk to Kyle anymore, and I'm really gonna try to hold to that.

That last day...the day with Kyle...the day I got grounded...I just repressed it all. I don't know why...seeing it's been forever trying to figure it all out...but I remember now.

Kyle was upset & I was too. I was texting him durring the day, while we were both at school. And he said he couldn't do it anymore. I told him to not talk like that. I was really worried about him. I promised him I'd go over to his house after school. I'd try to help him & cheer him up. He agreed. We did like eachother. That I'll be honest with now. But we weren't going to date for a long while. Till Lopez was ok with it. Seeing Dan never would be. But my dad wasn't too happy that day. I had to head over there right after school if I didn't wanna get caught. I got home, dropped everything off, and started walking. I knew I would've had to wait outside for a few minutes, before Kyle got home. I was fine with it. And we were still texting eachother. Constantly saying "Rawr" and I think most teenagers know what that means by now. So yea. He got home from school, got some stuff cleaned up, and we headed up to his room. We just talked. He told me how he felt with everything that was going on. I don't think he lied one bit. I really don't. Not anymore. And in that time period, I didn't lie either. And about a half hour maybe a lil more...my dad was texting me. Asking where I was. I lied, telling him I was at Washington Park. Meanwhile, asking Kyle if we could go out across the street, so my dad wouldn't catch me. I told him I'd explain it later. Inturn he said in 5 minutes. I excepted it. But my dad? Not so much...he flat out asked if I was at Kyles. He said to be honest. I wasn't to him. At all. I knew how he felt about Kyle. He hated him. Well, he pretty much did anyway just cause Kyle was a lil older then me. And since he had circled the park, with no sign of me, he knew immiedatly that I had lied. And waited outside Kyles, pissed off as ever. Dad texted me that Im in deep trouble and to go outside. I started getting realy worried. Kyle was so confused. I feel so bad...I had to grab my stuff and go outside and leave in like 5 seconds...no real goodbye..and dad took my phone the moment I got into the car. He said that Kyle texted me the moment I left...saying "Donna..."

I got grounded for a week & a half. Or just about that. No phone, computer, games....nothing that I had any contact outside with. And seeing we only had one day of school that week too...wasn't easy. I spent Halloween stuck with my dad at work. Dad told me that everyone was calling&texting me. Getting really pissed to. Cause he didnt answer any of them. No one but myself knew why. No one knew I was grounded.

But once I had explained everything to Nicole when we got back to school. It all made some sense.
(I'm not gonna bother trying to tell the whole "I got hacked on my facebook" thing. Lets just say, who ever did it, was smart. But not nice to any of my friends then. Not at all. Majority of my friends, because of it, hated my guts.) But I occasionally asked Nicole for her phone. And I would text Kyle. I had to explain everything to him. I think I did too. He said ok when I said I'd text him once I got my phone back. And that for now, we had to use Nicole to talk through. He still cared then. I was amazed. As was I extremly happy. He didn't hate me. Not yet at least is what I didn't know...it didn't last long. Cause of the facebook thing. Lopez & Dan....Nicole & Novak...it just wasn't meant...

Now this all makes sense....It really...really does. I can get for once, why he hates me. Why he wants nothing to do with me. It makes so much sense. And all this time...saying I don't remember...that had to hurt even more. All of the crap I have done, had to. I'm so sorry to everyone for all of this. I can't believe how horrible I've been. Like holy shit....I'm horribly so sorry....and I know you'll never read this....I wish you could...but you wont...and that makes it that much more painfull to me...cause I'm keeping my promise...unless you talk to me....I'm staying away from you...Sorry..the truth is? I did "love" you Kyle....when I never...ever..meant to..I'm sorry...to Lopez too...I never diserved either of you....

You look in your mirror,
What do you see?
A desperate reflection.
Looking back at yourself,
Seeing down on yourself.
Only pointing out flaws,
Not perfections.
Yet so many,
You see none.
The more you look,
The less you see.
What do you see,
If you look at me?
Somehow you see so much,
In someone other then yourself.
My dear,
What goes through your mind?
I so wish I knew.
I might not understand,
I might not relate.
But I sure as hell,
Can stand up straight.
You have your difficulties,
That I can see.
But let me just say,
I'll always be here.
Not matter what,
Just look up.
I'll be there,
To back you up.

I knew from the start
That nothing should have become
Anything more
Then mere aquitence
But something became
More then a friendship formed
None of that kissing or hugging
No
None of that stuff
Only emotional
On that faithfull day
I think we both knew
That due to our circumstances
Nothing should've stayed that way
But there was a pulse
A feeling we couldn't deny
I want to say love
But it was just to odd
I liked him
You liked her
But together everyday
We seemed so very close
You were real
You were there
More then he ever seemed
But what happened
In a single minute
The moment you said "liked"
Everything reached a climax
And like a storybook
Things start to end
That last day
It's just all a blur
What actually happened
That I wish I knew
I really really do
Because to this very day
You're still a fucking mystery
One that drives me dammed crazy
I would be perfectly ok
If you would just openly
And honestly say
What really did happen
In a day
In a week
That I became a stray

I'm an obbsessive little bitch...what else is new?

Don't believe me? If you're close, you should. Cause you would know the story behind a guy named Kyle & myself. Wheather you've delt with me or even have been told much about what I have done to try to make him be friends with me again, is another, totally different story. I really am fucking stupid. Like....what the hell. I've been fucking annoyingly obbsessive. What Joe did to me...the stalking and obsessiveness...I've done to him. Like, no god damn wonder he hates my being. No wonder he wont even look my way. I really don't blame him. I don't hate him, at all. It'd be wonderfully amazing if we could be even on simple "Hai, how are you?" terms. But that isn't gonna happen. I mean seriously now....why the hell have I kept this up? I should've listened to many people telling me to quit. Dan...Glenn...Ant...Darien...Joanna...Nicole...what the hell was/is wrong with me? The moment I even see him, I start freaking out. I swear I wouldn't be surprised if my face turned beat fucking red. I really wouldn't doubt it or deny it. My heart rate can back that up. But the thing is.....I honest to god dont get the big fucking deal. I've been a complete & utter obbsessive little baby bitch and I have to grow up. After tonight...goodbye. Sorry for everything Kyle. Though I know for a fact, you'll never get a chance to or bother reading or finding this. I am sorry. I'm done.

"Sping Break" - Me

This might be corny....but here it goes...

Every single day
Of this so called "Spring break"
All I can think of
Is how the fuck
I got to where I am
All of you may think
That I'm some sort of screw up
But because of one kid
One guy
I know a lot damn better
If I were
What you thought
Then there wouldn't have been a single chance
That a girl like me
To meet anyone like him

I love him with all that I am
That alone
Isn't normally like me
I don't rush
I don't run
I take my time
And yet look how I am
Where I am
And who I have sitting next to me
I can't believe how lucky
That I gotta be
To have gotten here
To be able to even
See you
With me

This is for Tom
With all of my heart
I will say this
I love you
And don't ever forget
This very night (:
Thanks for this
Ever so happy and great
of a
Spring Break :D

Why Must Love Only Be Towards/For Those We Consider Our Bf/Gf/etc.?

I don't get some people in this world. Why can't the word "love" mean someone other then the person you're with? Like freakin' seriously. So what if you fucking love them? So what if you'd legitally do ANYTHING for them? Do you HAVE TO date the person? NO! There is a such thing as a best friend ya know. Sometimes, their closer to you then the actual person you're dating. Doesn't mean you're horrible person. It doesn't mean you're a slut. It doesn't mean you love your bf/gf any less. Seriously. -.- -sigh-

Everyone has a story dude. Everyone is different. Me personally? I'm a mix of my past, along with small traits from my closer friends. But like, everyone needs somebody. Somebody to talk to bout anything. Not get judged. Somebody they can run to in times of need or when their lonely. Somebody they know they can trust. That they can love. But there ARE different levels of this too.

My best example? Look at me & Scruffy. I love that fucking guy to death and back. I'd do anything for him. I mean it. All of it. But am I dating him? No. It's not that I wouldn't. Its not anything like him&I not liking eachother. Its not like that. I'm not saying we do, but we just wouldn't date. It doesn't work that way between him&I. We're just unbelievably close. He is more then fucking family to me. But I still love Tom. Just in a different form/way.

So can everyone just hop off this kinda shit? Seriously. It's not even funny or cool of you guys anymore. Just 'cause other chicks you know may be like that, doesn't mean I am. I'm not so much "normal" if you havn't noticed. ;P lolz <3

This is for Scruffy & Tom.

There really are no worries.

<3

Trust me

 

Gahh...I love the feeling and reactions I get and feel from helping out those I love and are friends and shit with. But all at once...that's just different...it's a lot to do.
Don't get me wrong though, I fucking love helping them. I just feel guilty most of thee time is all cause they have alotta crap in their lives to begin with...

Theres a whole list...thank god I'm not as bad as I used to be with my memory..

"Milk Me!" -Billy xD

My 6th period lunch is the best lunch I've had since freshman year. And even thats kinda debatable. I guess cause this year I don't go to the Teen Center or the Cafe but I actually just chill out with my friends in the band room. It's kinda nice place to just go and relax and have fun and even have some alone time.

There's Darien, who is the reason and way I even started going to the band room. Back when I had my fight with Tom after the 1st we broke up. He was my escape back then. Yea things are a lot different now with regards to him and all, but I really don't care anymore. I'm happy, fuck him.

Then there's Jake & George. They're a rare pair but their my good friends none the less.
Jake may be an awkward, hyperactive sweet kid. He's just weird and I adore him.
George is the more-so quiet video gamer polar bear child, but I adore him just the same.

There's also Tom, lets never forget him. And I don't think I need to write more bout that,

There's also Stacey, Amanda, Billy, TJ, then the occasional Nina&Omar and peepz.

My lunch is unbelievable. <3
We all need some form of help..... x3

I'm starting to think
Could it be true?
What everyone thinks
Of who I am
Who I act
And how I am

I know not everyones right
I know everyones unique
And honestly?
I fucking love how I became

There'll always be those times
Where I hate myself
And deep down,
I always truly will

But just like people move on
And go with the flow
Until that day finally comes
Where everythings just about to end
And we learn who we really were
And who we really are
I'm following how things go

I'll always be who I think I should
I'll always be who I know to be
And I'll simply always be me

Everyones got layers
Many of which their scared to show
Trust takes time
And with time, seperation begins
So how about this?

Be you
Now
Stop caring
Have fun
And enjoy your time

Cause right now
I know I'm right
God dammit
I know I'm right

Fucking Perfect

"Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fuckin' perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me"
-Fucking Perfect : Pink

You look in the mirror today
Today you'll see a relfection of who you think you are
It's of a tall fat kid getting abbs

You'll look in the mirror tomorow
Tomorow you'll see a different reflection
Unlike yesterday you think to yourself
"What's wrong with me"
And you try to fix you

You'll try on a different shirt
You'll try a different angle
And still,
You'll hate you.
You hate your reflection
Cause you don't see any good

But honestly
All you gotta do boo
Is look not from your mind
But think of looking from another person mind
Not of what they think
Not if you already know
But think differently

Cause trust me
In my eyes
You're fucking perfect.

It's not because I love you
This goes to all who read it
But honestly dear
You are dammed perfect

You think anger
I see emotion

You see a monster
I see a human

You think you're a perv
I see a gentleman

You see yourself as fat
But I see built

I tell you everything I've thought
And you just question it in curiousity
I love you my dear
All you gotta do
Is try looking from me

I'm the same way
Everything I am does honestly disgust me
But I strut my shit anyways

Wanna know why?
Because I'll say one thing
And I'll mean another
I won't lie
I'll just be truthfull
Just because we think something
Doesn't make it true

It's just like a god forsaken fairytale
One thing is told
Another will be seen
A totally different thing shall be true

It's a seperate reality
That just sometimes...
Is created to protect ourselfs
But not always is it meant for
What we make it do to us

Never ever forget this
Anyone
You're all fucking perfect
Just in different ways

The word "perfect"
Has many meanings
Depending on who you'll ask
Stop asking
Just learn.
Thats you.
<3

This feeling
It's taking control
I can not believe
How things have gone
How things have changed
So much for the better
I love this
And I know that
I love you

The feelings I get
When you're by
I can't truly describe
Not to the same amount
That they come on to me
It's almost
Just almost
Unbelievable
I love you
and I know that
I love us

You're something new
You're deffinatly different
I wouldn't have you any other way
Happy or sad
I can deal and love you
All the same
With all my heart
I'll love you till the end.

<3

You know what?

I'm done caring. I'm done worrying. I'm gonna be me, the real me. And you know what? Everyone else can go fuck themselves if they disagree with it.

Some people are about to get a fucking dammed reality check tonight. End of story.

"You know that saying you told me - 'Love is only a phrase, until you find the one that fits it'....well, you fit it =] <3 ilywamh (I love you with all my heart) and that will never change. Trust me. =)"
-Tom's Note to Me 4/5/11

What is about this, and the finally arriving spring, that is making everyday seem better?

Now if only the antibiotics weren't around....

Poetry Idea : Chris

Chris
I can remember
Almost perfectly to this day
Your expression
Your face
At my brothers wedding
How much you truly hated the place
And just about
All of the people in it

I can remember the smells
I can remember the sounds
But with you
With you it's all different

I can remember your music
The Bow-Wow blasting
Out of your hidden headphones
That deep disgusting smell
One of which I didn't want you to show you
That I knew
Of all the smoke on your shirt
On your tie

I was so young then
Thinking back now
Not knowing why you had smelt like that
So bad of a scent
Not knowing why you had to act so strange
Even around our family

"It's a family celebration Chris" your mother said.
"Can't you at least act like you're enjoying it?" She continued on
My Aunt
Your mom
As she kept reminding you

And all you did
By the end of that night
Was get up and walk away
Heading for another place
Asking me to come along

I had gotten up
All ready to go
When here comes my mom
Grabbing me
Making me stay away

Now I know
That you had just felt alone
You just wanted someone to be with


But now seeing how things have become
How they are today
Things really don't get better
The truth eventually comes out
People say we learn a lot through age
With age comes wisdon
But wisdom is taken for granted

We've all grown up
We've all changed
I miss how we were
So innocent
So young
But looking at you today
I don't know what else to say

Not many people like you
Actually most can't stand you
You've become the "black sheep"
The outcast of our family
I can still honestly say
That I'll always love you

But Chris,
You did this to yourself.
I love you
And I miss you
More then you'll ever truly know

I may act like a kid around you
Though I haven't seen you in years
I wish I could truly go back to that night
Or have that night repeated now
I would so have tried to stop you
Cause thats the night
That one single night
That everything
Fell apart.