I think I'm actually finally happy. I really really do. For once, putting aside my friendship with Scruffy, I think I've actually done one of the best things for myself yet. I honestly do.

With Tom, I don't know. I just feel better. A lot better then I ever really have for the most part. I feel at home in a way I guess. Just....safe. I know our feelings are pretty much mutual.And I actually know that their real feelings between us this time. It's kind of unbelievable. I'm kinda in a daze. I don't know how else to explain it. I don't even know if there are true words. Especially after our talk last night.

Yea Saturday makes it a month. But it feels so much more then that. So much longer. So I really do believe that we'll last pretty damn long. I, for once, don't have any plans on doing anything but being with him for a long, long time.

Really, thinking back, even with all the crap it's given me. I really do now know that Joe leaving me, and me staying away, was the second best thing for myself I ever truly have done.

This Is Our Town

This is a note. Simply telling certain people...what I think of them.

To Scruffy,
I love you dude. I really, really do. Maybe it's not in the conventional method. Or the normal one. It's the most I could love someone in a different sense then wanting to go out with them. I love you more then the majority if any of my family. You've been there for me since the begining. Even when I wasn't for you. You've showed me what a real best friend is like, and I'm really glad we're still together. :D <3 You're honestly truly amazing and I owe you a lot. You are and always will be my #1 and my best friend. No matter what. Whether you're here or there, we'll always be best friends. =] Truthfully. There's nothing I wouldn't do for ya. (: You know more about me then anyone else does. And I mean anyone. The good and bad and all in between. You're a loyal hearted amazing kid and I am really lucky to have you in my life. Honestly. You're pretty much the best person in my life. :P Don't ever let anyone truly get to you dude. Really. Anyone who says ANYTHING bad is stupid. Their just jealous. x3

To Joanna,
You're my best friend in the terms of being a girl. Yea not to the same degree as Scruffy, but don't take it personally. It's just different. I still love you. And I owe you more then you even probably realize. You have really helped me make some difficult decisions throughout our friendship. And you're house is now like, my second home. <3 You're so sweet & forgiving and just caring it's kind of hard to believe. =] I adore you child and you were my wife even though you're also my daughter :D Don't you love our "family"? xD Anywayz, thank chu again SO much. You really don't understand the degree to which you have helped me. You're one of the best listeners ever. Even when you have you're own problems going on, you're still there for everyone else. Don't let ANYONE tell you differently. You're adorable. <3 (:

To Casey
To Julie
To J
Jake
Billy
George
Tom
Nicole M
Zack
All of you.

Thank you. If any of you even read this. Please, tell me. It's really just to much to ALL write here. And some of it's really personal. So just feel free to ask or mention it. I'll more then happily tell you how I feel about you. This goes for anyone. Truthfully. <3

Just know, that without any of you guys, I wouldn't be the Me you all know and somewhat love. <3 xD

I don't get whats wrong.
Is it you?
Is it really me?
Why can't we fore-see,
The near future?
Cause honestly...
I'm scared.
I don't know whats happening,
I don't get where I'm going.
I'm afraid of what might happen.
I'm worried of what I've caused.
But I'm trying to say,
All that I feel.
Why can't you see...
That you made me be,
Like this.
I've tried...
But I'm done...goodbye.

Part 4? or 3? ...Whatever.

(Another topic...)

I love Darien. He was/is like my brother. But sweet fucking god I'm sick of this shit. Everything has to be about him. Seriously. I'm sick of it. I don't bother to even try talking to him outside of school anymore. Why would I? He doesn't care. He obviously doesn't give a flying crap anyway. I'm seriously done. I really am.

I've done SO much for him. I honestly have. But since Austin & him, he really could care less. I can't stand him. I can't stand it. At all. I really shouldn't have ever thought of him so well, so much good, in a kid like this. Someone who pushes aside a friend, thier friends, for a fucking boyfriend like that...I can't do that. I'm done. We aren't friends. We're nothing anymore. Nothing real anyways. I'm out.

I'm sorry...

Guess what! It's now part 3! -_-'

Just so much crap going on. All told to me yesterday. I know theres more too. Mom just wont say and I don' wanna bug dad about anything. Not at all seeing from what I already know now. Not after anything. I mean...he might lose another sister soon.. :( A really...really..really amazing one at that. :'( Blah...just so much. =\ And I thought the crap with my friends was fucked up...

(Getting off this topic..)

I'm failing Basic Algerbra II with a 56. I doubt my grade in Spanish is a passing one. Along with Health. Photo, English, History, and Ecology are like...decent-ish. But Im starting to slip up with English and history even. =\

...I don't get what's happening. I don't get what I'm supposed to do anymore....

And again...continuation from the last one. Part two!

I love my family. Don't get me wrong. But I love my cousins the most. Honestly. And oddly enough, the outcasts of them, I love even more. The druggies, drunks....other stuff. My one cousin, Chris, is for some reason, on if not my favorite out of all of them. I don't really know why. Theres just some kinda connection. Always has been.
Thing about Chris though, he's really been through a lot. And I mean it. A lot. And he really is kind of the black sheep. Not many people, even his own mom, like him. He's been through a lot and has also done a lot. I love the kid. But he really is an odd child. We started really talking again yesterday and already he is acting weird. I asked him how old he is now, cause I really have forgotten, and he said "Im in my 20's now haha." In my mind, I'm like "We're family...why not just give me a honest answer to that?" But cha. I love my family. But since the talk with my mom about our family...I've been different.

-Aunt Gina might have cancer.
-Paulie's a deadbeat creep.
-Dan's still a druggie..
-Des is far pasted the top level of stressed.
-John's home with the kid cause he can't find a job
-Chris is a complusive liar, drinker and ex.rapist...
-Cuz Ed is like...I don't even know.
-Uncle Ed is living with his partner (guy..) and is attempting custidy of Melinda
-Melinda is desperatly trying to ignroe everything going on..
-Aunt Marie is still on a shit load of meds and god knows what else..
-Aunt Marie & Uncle Ed are JUST finializing the divorce...x.x

Looks like Im just full of shit lately...here we go.

Family sucks. But they're exactly that. Family. I know I don't mention mine much. But there are reasons for that. Mainly cause untill yesterday, I myself didn't know that much. =\ Yea my immediate family seems nearly perfect. And ptting a few things aside, they are. But nothings ever completly perfect. Never.

Yay for rants! Todays topic? Suicide! Woot! -___-'

I hadda get everything off my chest. Everything off my mind. So I wrote stuff down durring two classes today. Both 2nd & 3rd period. Here it is:

(My friends and family were on my mind..)
2nd: I don't wanna be here. I really dont. I cant deal with people. not anymore. I really can't. Im on the point of breaking again. I just can't do this for much longer. I'm loosing everyone. ...This isn't gonna end well. Believe me...

(Last night was on my mind..)
3rd: Killing yourself may seem like a true escape but it really isn't. It's fucking selfish. It only ends a once great life just because the person doing it gave up. Gave up on friends, family, and above all themselves. Believe me it doesnt make you stupid. I know that. But it is fucking trully selfish of you to even think. Don't you think of your friends? Family? Yea they drive you fucking insane. Yes that you're not perfect. But god fucking dammit people...would they really be better without you? NO! All people leave marks. Imprints kinda. Whether they be the people you meet, talk too, see, anyone & everyone. Especially friends. Especially family. People we're close to, or that are close to us. Seriously. If it weren't for them, you wouldn't be you. Now think. It's the same way to them about you. If it weren't for you...they wouldn't be them. At all. Now wait, if you were to kill yourself, end your life, what would you trully be doing? Ending a young ass life. An indivdually, unique young life. And hurting EVERYONE around you. Changing their lifes forever. Honestly. Don't do it. I know you dont see it but its really not worth it. Trust me. Stay here. Alive. You ARE someones reason to smile somewhere. Dont do this to you. To them. Look up in the sky. Do you really wanna be watching them from there? I don't think so. <3

Growing up fucking sucks...

Like I've said, I fucking hate this. I hate the fact we al grow up. I really really do. I miss how everything was. How everyone was. Especially seeing how bad everything is freakin' now. I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna be in Jersey. I really don't. I have ONE real fucking person in my life. ONE. And thats Scruffy.

I've been pushed aside.
I've been forgetten.
I've been taken advantage off.
I've been fucking lied to
and above all used.

I just can't take these fake dumbasses anymore. One more and I'll explode. -__-'

Looking back now, and I'm honestly kinda shocked. I know I've changed...but wow. Seeing who I have changed from scares me. But makes me really thank god I'm so close to Vin now. I can't believe I was like her. How I acted when with her. To everyone else. Just...wow. I was a fuckin' bitch to people. In a different way then I am now, but dude.

Everyone changes, it's just the fact of HOW they do thats fuckin' gets to me.

Pretty much everyone has their secret intentions in me. In you. In life, and THATS how we all get hurt. Truthfully. THAT is why. THAT is how.

Now think about that, make any sense?

People who use you.
People who lie.
People who pretend.

Whats their reason?
They hide it right?
Exactly.

And this is why I really wish I could just run away from most of these fucking idiots for awhile.
I know who I really am.
But I also now know
How everyone else is too.
It makes me fuckin' sick.
I'm done.

You wanna be fake to me?
Have freakin' fun.
You're nothing to me now.
Only person I compleltly love & trust is Scruffy.
Otherwise, somewhat Tom & Joanna
But thats different.

I'm fucking done with people.

Have a jolly night everyone.

....Some people really need to just go like...fall down a fucking cliff.

Everyone has that one special place in the their mind.
You know...the place where you can truly be alone.
Where you can think about everything going on in your life.
And all of your true feelings can be set free & expressed.
But with that special place in your mind, sometimes it's just easier to go there mentally,
With the right physical spot. A quiet, people free place. Where you could do anything, and no-one but you...
Would know.

I have a few spots around the surrounding towns (including my own) where I have my own spots. Places I like to go on days like this. Weeks like this. To just...I don't know...escape everything & everyone I guess.
Take a walk over, find a nice place to sit or lay down or stand...blast a quiet-ish, mood fitting song..and just think.
Think everything over.
Everything on my mind
Everything going on..

Scruffy said last night, that I needed to find my "outlet".
His is working out & running & wrestling. Stuff like that really. It really helps him. =]
Mine? I'm honestly not quite sure just yet. I don't know and I don't care if it's good or bad or whatever it may truly be.
I'm me.
But I do think walks & hanging out on my own at places like those are.
Where I just got back from is a perfect example.
I'll tell you what the place is, just not where.
However wierd this might sound to some of you guys/girls...
It's a cemertery.

I LOVE cemerterys.
Like, it might be wierd, but I'm honestly telling the truth.
Their just peaceful usually. Ya know?
-sigh-

But yea.
Today...parts were good.
But I've been waiting to just have that kind of time to myself.
To explore, think, walk around.
A perfect example?
I've gone to the cemertery for a year or two now,
And yet just found a secret path & mini bridge in it.
(Theres a pond towards the begining of the cemertery, and thats kinda my spot.)
(:

I think I should be fine given time.
Yea I'm loosing my friends in some ways.
But I have & know who most of the real ones are.
I'm done with my past.
It's that simple.

To Scruffy, Thank you. <3 You know everything I would type, but wont. So again, thank you. =]

To Tom, You're my boo. <3 Thank you too.

To Casey & Joanna
To Jake, George & Billy
To...you guys know who you are..<3 Thank you
All of you.

It has wheels! It has wheels! It has wheels!

Last night was....different. But it was needed. I see that now at least. It showed me the truth. That of which, well, I knew about but had refused to except. The fact that...well...Me & Darien aren't what we use to be. Why? Could be just the fact of time. Could be my fault. But truthfully? It's him. I've been there countless times, and when I told him the truth...he could truly careless. I can't deal with that well. At all. I hate it. I also think that another person has to do with it...the fact Darien's actually in a relationship and this just happens? I don't think it's such a coincidence..honestly..I miss & hate it.

It's like a slap in the face. A major...major one. Dude...I've called him my BEST FRIEND in state for so long. Was it really all an act? Was it all fake? Just to feel like he...I don't even know. I love him..I'll always be protective. I'm sorry but it's how I am. And apparently...it's not enough..at all. I've been replaced and I gotta except it. Nothing more will ever be reality again with me and him. Nothing...I'm just about to quit this shit..

Anywayz, I really don't know if anyone besides me actually read all this crap I write. I honestly doubt anyone does. When I ask, I think I get the same exact response from just about everyone just to make me shut up. And truthfully speaking, I don't blame them. At all.

Spending after school with Tom then walking to Gamestop & home with Darien and Jake. Hopefully will brighten my mood. If it's not too late, and I have at least 45-to an hour left, I'm gonna go for a walk. Probably to the cemetery right over the bridge. I need a break...an escape..

After that, I'll probably call J is Scruff hasn't called yet by then.

-looks at clock-
Fuck..only 1:29...>.<' This isn't over till 43. Gah.

Whatever. I need to keep myself busy. So Imma keep writing bout anything that comes to mind. I love this, Vasa's in the other room and I can actually hide my Ipod. (Though this one's Julies cause I told her I'd hold onto it so I can give it to her at the end of 8th.)

-Stopped-
You know what..I'm just gonna stop while I'm ahead..and quit rambling. Okiee...lets see how the rest of my day goes..

It'd Be Amazing...

It'd be amazing to have that ONE person, or at least a person who can just hear your voice. Or look you in the eyes. Or just SEE you. And know nothings right. Who even if you told you were perfect, wouldn'tt believe you. Who would stay by you through anything and everything, just to be with you & make sure you're fine. That person you can run to. Talk to. Find...anything with. And nothing would be lost. No veiws lowered. No opinions made worse. Nothing really decreases between the two of you....it'd be amazing...

I'm so grateful to Scruffy. None of you have any clue.

But it'd be nice to have someone read this, and call or text or talk or find me right now. Someone who actually cared and isn't just there cause I'm the only one who'll talk to him...or cause he's curious...or just cause I'm bugging him...someone real would be nice.

And this..this is exactly why I love Vin. To death. I owe him more then ANYONE knows. And dont dare doubt me when I say that. Cause I mean every word of it. No one could or will ever take him from me. Or take his place. We're true friends. And I love him (:

Is it a bad thing to be someone like me...yet want to break down in front of everyone?
Is it bad to have the need to go and hide...but not know why?
And when I actually do....I feel complelty stupid..
I need to run...I wanna hide...I wanna have time to me...
But when I do what I have to...I come right back to the begining..

My mind worries me. Not because I'm sick. Not because I miss my boo. None of that really..
Just...those thoughts are back...they've grown...the memories..the emotions...I'm scared...and I hate it.
I'm not right in my mind no matter who tells me otherwise. I truly would want to breakdown...right in front of everyone..just to see who would care...who would understand me..it's not right..it's not me...but am I wrong?

After everything...durring everything...would it be bad to see who is actually behind me? Who is beside me? And who is nothing but a puddle of memories from the past I wish were there..but evaporate when things heat up...would it be bad? Cause it's honestly coming to that point..it nearly happened today...

All I know is that I need someone...someone who doesn't know how bad my past thoughts have gotten...someone who cares..I'll call Scruffy tonight but I dont know..I'm not gonna ruin his day...just because I'm screwed up...

I'm sorry to any of those friends who might be reading this.
I'm sorry for ever hurting you.
I'm sorry for ever lying.
I'm sorry for ever being a bad or fake friend.
I'm sorry for the times I wasn't there..

I know how bad things can get..I know the advice I give...I just gotta learn to take it..

Today is just another day...but I don't know. It feels different...

My voice is begining to come back. Though, it's still really deep compared to my normal one... =\ And I still can't scream at all. I know this will sound funny but if/when I try to, all that happens is a VERY quiet squeak, airless noise. It's kinda bad...

Anyways, cha. today is just kinda different. I really don't know how I could even try to explain it.

Darien's on the last of my nerves but yet I still run up and bear hug him cause I'm scared I'm gonna lose him by the end of everything...and..I just can't do that. Not anymore.

It's a school day, so I actually get to see my boo. =] All of lunch was spent with him holding onto me and it was just really cute. ^^ I really needed it. It's really stupid&weak&corny of me to say something like this but I did miss him. Specially last night....Dark places aren't cool when their in your own mind and you're alone..

Also, just saying..it will start to get to you that when you try to talk in class and the minute you do EVERYONE laughs at you cause you're sick and your voice (though your a chick) sounds like a dude hitting puberty. -____-'

I'm planning on staying after today with Tom till 3 ^^ and then once he head's off with Zack, I'll probably just hangout with Nicole or have alone time with  myself walking home. I'm not exactly sure which I should do yet. I've been wanting to walk around my part of town, hopefully the cemetery isn't underwater anymore...I'd love to walk through that again....just like old times..

What's wrong with me?

Finding old conversations from back when I dated Joe...and the night we broke up...the days after that...it isn't my favorite way of ending a night..especially when I was already upset as is.. :\ Bleh

I dont know exactly what it is but I'm just really kinda down. I'm kinda going through a lot of shit in my head ever since the walk home...being honest I've nearly just broken down (only tearing though) about 2-3 times. =\ And believe me, I know it isn't good.

Talking would be something I'd love to do right now. Not sure exactly on what topic, just in general. I'd REALLY love it if I could be with Tom right now. Even be lucky enough to go over his place after school tomorow would be amazing. But...I know I cant. Family doesn't know bout us yet...and we have to keep it that way untill we're able...well...till HE's able to tell Zack. =\

I've gone through all the guys I've either dated or liked in my head. Reasons and everything. I honestly don't know whats truly wrong with me I guess. I miss a few of them to be honest. But I'd be a slut/whore or something if I told them how I felt. I only have Strong enough feelings to date & love Tom. But it doesn't stop my questioning.

It's really just my emotion talking through my words right now. But it is true when I say I miss you.
I miss us...

=\

I can't believe what I've said to some people in the past. And I kinda wanna know what I was on durring the time of me saying most of it. Like, I know it made me happy then but like..look what I gotta do to pay for it say now? I don't think it was quite worth it all.

I've loved only 1 person like that in my life. And I hate who it was. I hate him above almost everyone.

I'm so glad to finnally find a guy I think could be worth something. Worth my time. Worth it. But I do have my doubts...it's just...he ACTUALLY makes me happy. Happier then I show me to be, happier then I've been in awhile. My closest & bestest friend Scruffy & now Tom are my rocks. Seeing as that my old rock is, in my eyes, starting to crumble...

=\

What'll be next?

Another adventure. <3

Let me tell you all a story shall I? Lets begin...

It's 12 am...

The crazy jackass next door from me goes outside his house, gets MY house's garbage cans, and THROWS them STRAIGHT at the car in front of his own house.

The car alarm goes off so he flips out.

Throws one can OVER the van into mcbride and the other down the street...

 

 

Him & my dad have been playing this...."game"

When the dude next door 1st moved in, he claimed he owned everything. Including the side of our house.

My brother & dad argued with him, and he "Gave up"

Next thing we know, he's throwing out trash down the sides of my house.

So, my dad goes and writes a sign "Get a life asshole." and tapes it to our garbage cans.

(This is why I love my dad. And why I can be sucha bitch. <3) 

Next came the GIANT happy face on his door when we got home that day...

 

Next, my dad wrote back "Take your meds" and drew a sad face, then a pic of meds, and a happy face. and taped THAT to our garbage cans.

(Again...love him...<3)

We havnt heard anything really in awhile....

Not till about last week, when the dude took our garbage at SIX AM and dumped it ALL over the front stairs of my house

 

....And now this.

The starting thing to all this I remember?

Yelling at me for sitting on MY porch/stairs

The first day he lived there...
While I was with Jake & Billy a few months back.

Said to get off his property....

So what happens?

Jake & Billy mindfucked him easily.

x)

 

Did I mention the van he hit, wasnt our nor his?

It's the people downstairs from me who legitally JUST moved in today.

(Extremly sweethearted bunch according to my mom, I'm yet to meet them myself.)

Such a warm welcoming huh?

 

Welcome To West Paterson. <3

A weekend to Remember.

The begining of today was pretty simple. It started out with me going over George's and playing & helping him out with Pokemon. From there, we went out to get Jake. Once that was done, we just chilled at Grimes for awhile, then explored McBride a little bit more so towards the Cemetary. (It's honestly ALOT of fun seeing who can throw shit further. xD Just saying.)

Anyways, we all went back over to Georges house for a bit cause he had to go out to a Bafe' with his Grandpa sooner or later. When he was about to leave, me & Jake went oer to Billys. Eventually got him to come out and we started heading over to Party City.

I'll admit I hated the majority of the walk there because of Billy's constant complaining and begging for my phone and then yelling at me each time I said not yet. I was ACTUALLY using MY phone. "Just wait." Is what I had to keep telling him. And a few times I hadda yell (not easy when my voice is like dead) at Jake & Bill to shut the fuck up. They did get on my nerves.

But whatever it is about Party City, it was fun. :D It always is pretty much. I seriously think there is just SOMETHING about the air in that place. We all got some candy, hung out in the back messing around with the costumes, played with the bs they call kids toys now...(xD) and it was just fun. =]

Mom had called me a little while into getting there saying she wanted me home soon. I kinda sorta ignored it a bit. Stayed for awhile longer, and we left about a half hour or more after the call. x] We leave and we're all joking around, laughing, having a good talk. When what happens? We see too (obviously messed up) kids our aged up ahead walking our way. I thought I regonized one of them, I go over to Jake and ask who. Billy turns around saying its none the less then PJ and some other kid.

So we keep walking and just having fun, when we reach the two others I realize it IS Pj after all. And some other kid, who starts repeating that he's "high as balls off pills" and Pj saying they're both high as hell. Me & everyone else (Billy&Jake) keep walking and laughing. Jake decides to say "HEY LOOK A UNICORN!" and Billy being Billy, does a frontward roll into the grass. xD (This is why I LOVE these guys. <3 ) And the two druggies behind us start flipping out on us. Jake yells back as we're walking for them to shut up. They follow us ALLLLLL the way up the 3-4 blocks. Billy decides it'd be good to cross, so me & Jake follow up behind. Meanwhile, I turn around to see PJ run up to Jake, and try grabbing him, to only be able to grab Jakes jacket. Jake turns around, knee's Pj in the balls & punches him in the face, the other kid (who Billy now says is a Freshie named Matt Spratt) run back to the sidewalk where we just crossed from.

I GRAB Jake and toss him in front of me. I don't trust Pj, and Matt just gives me a REALLLLLLY bad vibe. I really wouldn't doubt it, Matt especially, to have some form of weapon or something on him. I yell for Jake to run up ahead with Billy. (Billy being about 10 ft in front of me.) I watch & turn back to see the two idiots still watching and yelling & following us. Even once we passed Pizza City & the Shopping strip. Well, the begining of it at least.

I make sure Jakes fine, to hear him & Billy joking about how Jake just got SO much payback on Pj. I but in and join, but still watching their backs. (I HATE Pj's fucking guts. He's done alot to my friends, including Billy & Jake. Yea me too, but I'm use to it. It's just gone on for years, and I mean YEARS. So I had to get some high fives from Jake & Bill) But when we reached the end, to where Dowling & McBride meet, (and are flooded) to STILL see them following us, I gave Jake my phone. We thought it'd be good to call the cops. Jake informed the Police about everything with the call, with Billys help. And I kept turning back every block or so. A few blocks in to us heading for Lackawanna, they were gone. Finnally.

We got up to the point where Lackawanna & Browertown meet, (About a 20+ minute walk from Memorial, let alone us from Party City with the two dumbasses following us.) And I got the phone back, made sure they had my number if they needed to call me back incase of anything. And they thanked us, and had hung up. Me, Jake & Billy all just grabbed eachother and JUMPED hug one another. We were SO happy for what he have just done. The whole rest of the walk was spent of the two of them reminising about the whole ordeal.

I'll admit, I still do really worry. I don't know exactly why, but I'm not exactly sure if we did the right thing. At least, this time. I know its what your "supposed to do" and all in a situation like that, but I'm honestly really unsure. And I probably will be for awhile. =\ I hate the kid and yet I worry? I don't even know Matt, I've only heard stuff about him..and we called the cops on the both of them for drugs? Was it right? Was it wrong? =\ I'm honestly, really really unsure..

But the title holds true. This is definatly a weekend to remember. Also....no school tomorow!

Will another adventure unfold? Let's find out.

Current Favorite Song (Besides "You Had Me At Hello" by them also)

Today's gonna be an adventure. I just know it. I'm going over George's at 11:30 and then later on, getting Jake. (: I think this is gonna be the start of good times my friend. Very good times indeed. <3

Jp

Last night was a really great night my friend. (: Besides being in the best mood I've been in awhile, I've become even better friends with JP once again. =] I never "lost" his friendship, but we just havn't talked this much in a very long time. And I'm honestly glad we're back to these conversations. These talks. I really really do miss him.

He's that friend I know I can go to with or for anything. He's the one friend I know isn't judgemental at all. That friend who doesn't question why we do somethings we do. Or some of the things we have done. He just accepts us for who we are now, and helps us to as good as we can be. Also, he's one of the sweetest guys I've met yet. At least, in my eyes. (: He's one of my best friends and I hope it stays that way. I really trully do.

And I know him, I know he'll read this sooner or later. So to you JP, thank you. For everything. Honestly. You always thank me for everything, I honestly speaking havn't done much. You diserve more credit to me. You along with my friends like Scruffy, Darien & Casey. To any of you who read this....thank you. <3

An old somebody popped their head back into my life again the other day. Tried bringing me back down. The kids name? Joe. But what else is new. I was kindly honest with him, cause I know the tricks he plays by now. I'm not about to let anyone else besides myself fuck up my life now. I'm sorry but I'm fine with that on my own. You got had your chance at being my friend, more then once, you're done.

My town's flooded. As are the majority of towns around here. Just like last year, and the ones before that, it isn't too new. But I gotta say, this is worse then last years. I've posted pictures from todays Journey around town over my facebook. I know I don't like many people around here, but I still do feel really bad. I mean, really, having to leave everything to a river? Thats gotta suck. All I have, well my family, is to deal with the backyard & basement. About 6 inches in the basement as of 9pm tonight. Not as bad as last years in that sense. But still, it is worse everywhere else, 'specially in Singac.

Me & Jake are really amazing friends again and I'm really, really happy about that. Like, you have no idea. We never really "lost" our friendship, we just, didn't talk much outside school for awhile. I guess cause of everything. (Fencing, School, Family, etc.) There was just no time. I really do love the kid. He's different, but amazing none the less. I miss hanging out with him everyday. He's the kid who I can just show up anytime at his place and just know my day will be better and I'll have fun. 'Cause everytime I'm with him, we just go on the most random and funny as hell adventures. He's a really great kid, funny too. (:

Also me & Tom are going pretty well from where I'm standing now. At least, I think so. A lot of kids know about us, but we're still trying to keep it down low-ish. At least away from family & Zack & Joe. (Zack&Joe are his friends. Not people I've mentioned before, just sayin') :P I'm glad to be with him, though it's semi-complicated, our feelings are simple. And it's just...something I need to be with right now. I don't know how long this will last, but I know I'll make sure it lasts as long as I can let it. I'm finnally happy.

All-in-all, Yea I'm not perfect. But I'm glad. I've seen some peoples adventures and stories from their lifes. Makes me realize why I shouldn't be so down. Why I should try to help them. Yea, I have issues, but everyone does. I'm gonna try to be "that friend" that people can come to more. Not the one who runs to them with everything. Ya know? I'd love to be there for my friends like they have been all this time for me. I love them. Everyone of them. <3 You all know who you are. And this is to you. Thank you. <3

What do you do when the person you were just about to say your in love with, cant/doesnt even tell thier best friend?

What do you do when the person you truly think you can be in love with ignores you the moment said best friend runs into our little group and decides to walk off?

What CAN you do?

What do you do when their said best friend hates one of your best friends to the point of hating people who are friends with your best friend?

What do you do when their best friend can't know about you two because of your best friend. Even if your best friend honest to god didnt do anything?

What CAN you do?

Do you keep hiding all the secrets.
Do you keep lying.
Do you just walk away and take the fact you can't be near the person you love...
Just cause their best friend and yours can't know.

What do you do?

All I know is....
I hate it.
It's killing me inside.
Honestly...
Ive been here before.
I hated it then
I hate it now.

I dont wanna continue the lies
I dont wanna continue the hiding
I dont wanna continue this sharade.
At all...

But I also dont want to cause hell for anyone else involved.
Mainly him...or my mentioned best friend..
But I now have my own hell to pay for it..

I just loved this picture too much..

Rambiling time? Sure

Would it make sense for me to say I'm overly stressed and it can show but yet....my stomach & heart are going a million miles an hour? I hate today up till now other then being held by the person I think I could maybe love. ^///^ <3

Would it make sense to say that I feel tossed aside by my in-state best friend because he's ditching plans I made for us and replacing the (Donna) in it with (insert his other half here)? Even if I had done that to him before when I was with Joe? Just cause the shit with Joe was, majority ruling, not my fault?

I think most girls could agree with this...hugs from behind are the best hugs of all. Standing, sitting, or leaning. If its from someone you have strong enough feelings for....it's better then anything. <3

And yes, my brain isn't quite on duty today...be aware for random changes in topic & attitude.

Today........-w-

"You are so beautiful" : ETF <33333

Today was just bleh to woah <3 I can't believe everything could go so well in a single day. Like...holy crap dude. <3

Darien is in thee BEST mood I've seen him in god only knows how long. If I ever even have. <3

Me & Tom are still kind of confusing but I stopped worrying & questioning what we're doing. And damn am I happy I have....we finnally truly kissed <333333

Though theres something I now worry about, seeing the fact he hasn't told Zack that we're even talking yet...and probably for me&his own sake shouldn't...long story but lets just say Zack = Wants to kill Darien & anyone who associates with him. =\ But whatever. We'll see what happens :P

Just saying.....i love this<3333333

What to do...oh what to do. -Sigh- xD

Darien's happy as ever
I've got a great guy by my side,
My bestest friend ever there for me,
And Darien & Joanna. :3

It's been pretty good lately ^^ <3

I don't know exactly whats going on, but I'm not questioning anything anymore :D having fun now and thats all I'll worry about. =]
I don't give a fuck. People are retarded. I'm not. It's all good (: