Why...why...and simply why...

Last night was the start of Halloween week. It's a time for scary movies, lots and lots of candy, costumes, blood and all the nightmares to come real. And I think that is exactly happening...

Yesterday was Joanna's Halloween pumpkin carving party. A few people went. And I, as usual had been texting Dustin since we both woke up earlier that day. I had told Joanna the night before the party I would show her some of our texts. Cause their just to freakin' adorable.


So I showed her some messages before anyone else got there. And she started texting him from my phone saying how cute we we're and how "we're so in love" and everything. And he was really happy. But I took my phone back and had apologized. Later on, and I mean hours later, Joanna, I and everyone were at Duck Park by her house. And she saw we were still texting. She kept saying we're dating. I asked her to simply explain her logic and she told me. It made a lot of sense. But thing I wasn't so happy or anxious about...was telling Scruffy.

I had liked Dustin for a few days, and he's liked me since the begining pretty much. Within the first two weeks he said. So we kinda ended up asking the other out in the time me and everyone were at the park. I'm, even now, not sure what the fuck to do. Cause, I do really like him. But I'm making everything worse between me and Scruffy. And he absolutely, without a doubt in my mind, means the fucking world to me. If he isn't happy, I'm not. At all. I owe him my life by now and I honestly mean that. He is my best friend and family. If me, not dating Dustin, makes things better, then...I'll do it. Sure, it'd be really hard...but I would.

Scruffy and Dustin are talking after school today about this and me and everything going on...and if Dustin screws up once...Scruffy will snap. And I do mean it. I would call him right after I get outta school...but I have a half day. They get out at 2:20 I believe. I told Scruffy to call me right after school. And I'll remember when Dustin text's me after he gets out. Which is right before Scruffy.

People with mental problems are STILL people.

Okie. Let me just say this now. For whoever is reading this, I do have to trust you. The youngest of my older brothers is, in fact, a schizophrenik. So I do know what I'm talking about when I say this. I've had first hand experience. Even a few of my close friends happen to suffer from other kinds of mental problems.

Let me tell you that I can not fucking stand the fucking ignorance of people today and in general. You may not exactly be like this but I'm talking as a whole.

When you run into someone who has any kind of mental issue or handicap to them, you don't walk away as if it's nothing. But you don't stand there, pointing (or even pretending to in some cases) to make them feel like an outcast. Just like most people, they aren't attention hogs, nor do they want to be. Their just like everyone else. They do have feelings you know.

I know I must sound like a fucking teacher or counserlour or something, but what I'm saying is so beyond true. And I'm sick of seeing all this happen.

One of my best friends, along with my own brother, have delt with SO much crap from people. In fact, my friend has to be HOME SCHOOLED because of a damn fucking breakdown caused by people he thought we're nice or even some friends.

So let me say this, if I EVER hear someone, wheather I know them or not, making fun of, joking around, or anything like that, about/to someone handicaped or menally ill, I will slap them. And tell them to knock it off or their painfully regret it. You might think I don't mean it. But I can sure as hell say you've never seen the worst of my temper.

Who could've thought I'd hold this composer for so long..

I can't stand my parents really. Specially with everything going on. And the shit in my own fucking mind.

 

I just can't everyones fucking bull crap. They dont know SHIT bout me or how my teachers are to me or any fucking thing and its all my fault right? Everyones fucking problems are my fault?
Oh and apparently my cousin is in jail. But I cant know why, how long, where or when he went or anything. Why? Cause they dont feel like fucking saying shit.

Oh and I cant hangout with James ever. Why? Mom doesnt like him. Why? Cause he has mental issues. Why? Apparently my fault.

Why is my photo project late? Cause I tried 3 times and it didnt expose right. Why havnt I tried again? Cause it has to be nice out AND not half a day. Why isnt handed in already? BECAUSE ITS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT!

I just cant keep doing this..

Baby Baby Blue Eyes Stay With Me By My Side

"I drive her home when she can't stand,
I like to think I'm a better man
For not lettin' her do what she's been, known to do.
She wears heels and she always falls,
Don't let her think she's a know-it-all.
But whatever she does wrong, it seems so right.
My eyes don't believe her,
But my heart, swears by her."
-Baby Blue Eyes : A Rocket To The Moon<3

I've been drawing.
I've been writing.
I just don't know whats going on. My mind wanders more then ever. And I'll think one thing & do the complelt and utter opposite. I don't want to think about things, but those are the only things in my mind. I've made some of the stupidest decisions and I've been acting wierder then normal. Some of my drawings have been kinda scaring me. Also, I seem to have OCD? What the fuckkkkkk. >.<

Even with Dustin&Scruffy by my side constantly, I still can't get my mood up any. I'm faking myself to everyone now and I fucking hate it. I want to be the go-with-the-flow girl I was earlier >.<

I'm honestly really scared. My minds going places it simply shouldn't. My angers getting the better of me. And I flirt way to fucking much. I don't want to know where this is heading..

I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows their composure...

"Dammit Freddie."
"No. Off."
"Shut up Freddie."
"Freddie I swear to god"
"Fucking cat get off."
Was it all a dream? Or was I really waking up every 10 minutes to Freddie on my lap biting me. I have no bite marks or scratches. So I honestly can't tell you. But I woke up before I actually got up. Somethings simply not right about today....

 So yea, thats how/what I had woken up too. And mom repeatedly screaming at me to get up & eat. Also noting the fact I was on the phone until 12:30-1 with Joe....fun. He's become more suicidal then ever. He actually tried. He hung head phones from the shower but they had snapped before doing any damage... =\
I honestly don't really care, but in some odd way I do all the way in the back of my mind. Like, I don't like him personally at all. But he shouldn't go an kill himself. And he's been missing school and cutting again.....-.-'
He said he didn't have to keep his promise to me cause I had broken my promise of always being with him. Sorry but times change and thats no accuse for you to be a fucking baby. And don't pull the "it's how I am and you know I can't change it. You of all people taught me that." Personality speaking, thats bull crap. Cutting & Killing yourself isn't natural. At all. It's a state of mind. Mind doesn't always equal personality. Get over yourself.

Other then that, school has been normal mostly. Menake let me skip the test today cause I wasn't in school Friday and the class tricked her into letting them take it today (Tuesday). So I got time to chill & write Noreen her note :3

Im not afriad.

"I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road"
-I'm Not Afriad - Eminem

These past couple of days have been interesting. Hanging out with mainly George & Jake still. Becoming kinda closer with Anthony. Talking to Darien a lot more again. Phone with Scruffy every night is once again a routine. And Joe finally is leaving me alone (mainly cause he deleted my number last night cause I still don't wanna talk to him and he got the hint into his head finally.) But yea. =] Things are goin' well.

Today was the poetry dodge festival thing for Literary Club's field trip. I was kind of the odd one out when it came to "Groups of 6" but We had 8 in our group seeing that Mike was the other odd one out.

I got 4 friendship braclets and their fucking epic. I really do love them. And I thought of Jake when I was buying the 2nd pair of them later on... :3 I wasn't sure if he'd want one though. I was going to the mall with him & George after we got back to school so I thought I'd get them for myself just incase he wouldn't take it later.

When we got back, me, George & Jake took the bus to his house & then mine. Dropped off our stuff & I got to change. (Funnnn..-sigh-) And we got a ride for George's dad. =] After awhile. Jake started to say I was looking bored and started putting his arm around me and poking me and staying by me and it made me feel really special. ^-^ Sorry if that's sad but it's true. Very..very true... :3

When we eventually got to the food court, Jake shared his meal with me and then got me one. =] And I took off one of the friendship braclets & grabbed his arm and tied it on. He was like "What the fuckkkkk? Why?" at first but then like 5 minutes later said he really loved it. ^-^ I was like :D lmaoo :P

And yea. We took thee bus home at like 7:30 and George went home & I decided to walk Jake up to the walk bridge thing. It was fucking DARK out. Neither of us could see anything. At all. And my phone & Ipod did like nothing to help that. -.- But yea. :3 He put his arm around me again. And we walked and I asked why we were like that and he said it was comfy and really nice. Im like yea and agreed happily. We got to the bridge and hugged (nothing new) And idk. It was just, really really nice this time. I could've sworn that we almost kissed at one point. >.> But nothing happened.

You're a hearltess bitch.

It's fun to have that to wake up to isn't it? It's perfect thing to wake up to, especially when it's by someone who supposedly says they love you. And then find out the person you have known to gone on rant after rant, go a whole night drunk off of his fucking ass, and above all, blaming you.
It's such a perfect world ain't it?

Well how about this. Fuck off and let me curse you out. Or leave me the hell alone. Give him that choice and see what he says. And either way. Leave. You don't have to deal with anyone like that especially when you have enough on your plate and mind as it is.
Fuck them.

And now your truly happier without the said person. You've got great friends, good friends and time to relax and not worry that something you say or do can be complained about by anyone you believe to matter.

You're also probably starting to think you like another person. But honestly hun, it's too early. Give yourself time. And I know this has gone through your head already but it's true. You don't wanna go through with any possible scenario's that have gone through your head just yet, if ever. You might possibly majorly regret it later on. And who knows, the person your thinking about, could become a best friend while your best friend now becomes the person of your dreams.

Let time be the decider. Not your mind.

My favorite color in the alphabet is 4

It's the first day of October and things are already starting to look brighter. Sure, last night wasn't the best cause of the break up (yes....again...) But hey. It was gonna happen eventually right? I even got to talk to Scruffy =] And I became better friends with my freshman Anthony. He's now my secondary note buddy. Darien's always gonna be the first and main one for thee year though. Cause, well, he's Darien. ^_^

 Jake & George are already saying I like different people. It's actually kind of funny. But I honestly don't like anyone. Nothing more then either cool or a good friend at least. None of that "oh he's cute" shit for a long time hopefully. I'd just rather not deal with that crap. I like being able to do shit on my own. [=

 Oh, and note to self, Don't go to red Lobster anytime soon. I don't like nor can eat any seafood. And plus, the only good part of it was the weather & fries with Caesar dressing. xD