Go Ahead.

Go ahead and say you hate me. Go and tell the world how I ruined you. I fucking double dare you too. You're a ball-less little piece of  insignificant crap and I really can care less what happens to you now. Jackass. I've had countless people hate me, diss me, and do tons of other shit. Yea it bothered me. Yea it bugged me. But you sir' are nothing. Just leave. You're nothing to me now. And you never, ever will be again.
I'm different, I've changed. I won't let guys like you get to me anymore god dammit. Fuck you.

It's Real. Believe me...

Tonight I've helped yet another truly close friend of mine through extremly tough times for them. I love this dude as much as someone can love their close friends. <3 And I'm never going to ditch or leave him after everything that has gone down tonight.

Yes the phone call was a surprise to me, but the reasoning behind it was nothing new. I knew the minute I heard him speak to me on it that somethings not right.
And boy was I right.

I have to say something...
I've been through this way to many times
With way to many people I care deeply for/about...
Suicide.Is.Real.
And it's scary.

Being suicidal doesn't mean you're stupid
Doesn't make you an outcast
It doesn't mean you're not human.

All it is,
Is your mind reacting in the best way it figures
But thing is,
It's not at all the best solution to you're problems.

It hurts not just yourself
But the people that love you.
And some may say,
"No one truly loves me though"
Thats just about as true as the statment
"When pigs fly"

In this world,
Everyone has at least 1 person who loves/cares for them
Everyone.

My poem
"We Are Mario"
Kind of explains some of it..
But unless you've been there..
I don't know how I'd explain it to someone like you..

Just please.
If you know someone like I'm talking about in this post.
Help them out.
Talk, Listen, Care about. Do something. But nothing that would avert or grab attention towards them.
Believe me,
Its the last thing they'd truly want..

I'll call him adorable
And he'll say thanks

I'll call him a cutie
And he'll say Im lying

I'll say he's a sweetheart
and he'll simply smile and say shucks.

I'll always be there whenever he needs me

I'll always talk to him throughout the day

And my friends will always say how we should date...

But come yesterday...

I'll help him for his next date.

It's just....(Oh how many times I've heard people say this..)

Why is that I always rush into things...
That I always "think ahead"...
I always think something
Thats completly wrong?
It's just how I've become to be I guess...

Why is that I fall so quickly
For someone who I think is perfect
And even if he isn't...
I make it seem like he is...
It's just how I make things look I guess...

I know it's only been awhile
And that you think of me as a sweetheart.
But I see you as more
A lot more to be true...
But why is that....
I'm not like that to you?

I guesss....It's just....
The place of the "sister" role...
All over again....

"We Are Mario" :Me

Where will we go now?
Where will this go now?
On this path of self destruction...
Of loose insanity.
"Opportunities Knocking!"
But can we all even answer?

This is like a game of Mario
Cement blocks, obsticles, and others,
All in the way.
What do you do
With only a single life left?
When that life,
Isn't even yours...

This game of life thats on "play"
Has no pause,
No Rewind,
And no fast-forwarding a level.
Only a begining and an end,
With a journey in between.
I love you half to death...
So please,
For me,
Keep playing.

Well lets see....

1) I broke it off with Freshman cause it just wasn't working out. I have a lot of shi going on right now regarding my health and grades and fencing and family. I just don't need the added stress. Also, figure that the feelings started to fade quite a bit just within two weeks cause of just too much in so little time. Im not use to it and I don't want to be. I cant handle the over-protectiveness or the clinginess or just...gah! I just couldn't do it anymore...

Don't get me wrong though. I did care for him. Not once did I only use him. Never would I have ever done that to an innocent kid like him. He's too sweet for that, believe me. I know I hurt him but he's an amazing guy...he'll be fine given some time to cool off again. We both need space, otherwise nothing will change. We need to grow apart.

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2) Other then that going on, I have my head & back. Fun! -_-' I even hadda skip practice and start being on Tylenol and Advil and Asprin cause of everything..I know I know. I've complained about it for awhile, but I finnally said something about it. And it just keeps getting worse... =\ I fucking hate it...

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3) No ps3 for awhile. Not till my day long headaches subside for awhile...I know I have to check something but honestly, it can wait. I want to fix my friendships, but even that can take a break. I needa focus on my health first...cause untill I straigten that shit out, Im gonna have an even harder time with grades & fencing. And I mean really, if either of them wanted to be my friends, they'd know how to reach me & tell me otherwise. Texting, facebook or in person if not through a gaming system...

This is what My mind is..

 I know what I did was harsh
I know how I treated you was never right
Not from the start
I was never right
Then again when am I?
I'm seen so differently then what I see
Whenever I happen to look in a mirror
I wish you could see how I see things
I wish you
Might hear everything like me
Maybe then
Just maybe you would
Truly understand me

Not for what I've been
Not for what I could've done
And definatly not for what I have been through
Its honestly true
Everyones life
Is their own story
How do you think they all end?
Not everyones has magical fairy tales
I think looking around
Thats pretty dammed evident

I can't believe some of the shit I've done
And I really wish I didn't see something that I have
I wish memories washed away easily
Some of them at least
Just some

Three words
Just three
Have so much meaning behind them
And so many different iterpritations
It's incredable really
How could you abuse them?

I look back and  tremble
I hide behind a meer shadow
A fucking shadow...
And when I pop my head around its barrier
I drop
And I cry...
I can't believe all of this.
I just cant...

What could I have done
What could anyone have done
To diserve this
To make these kinds of humans
Our own flesh and blood...
Mixed together over time
To create monsters

Our Minds.
Our Hearts.
Our Souls.

All are simple tools...
To complexly made...
By what?
Some say god,
Others say science...
I don't truly see a side to belive in completly..
But whichever it might be..
We're only to blame...

Everyone
Every single someone
Even the no-bodies
Diserve to know
That their not alone
No one ever truly is

Your own story
Is exactly that
Your's.

Everyone has layers to them

1- Top: Protective layer & Usually a fake or altered form of them
2- A shield
3- Middle: The shadow they use to see through. Usually knowing their wrong for doing so. But can't stop...
4- Them: Crying in the mere ideas their fake self has done..

This
This is our reality now...
No way around this bend..
But turn around..
Who's at your shoulder?
A friend.
One friend.
Two?
Now you know why you're here..

Whats new?

Continuing off of the last post regarding my new years resolution to amend old friendships, it's gone pretty good I guess. The only down side is that, combining it with everything else going on right now, and the fact that one of the "Amends" I'm trying, isn't exactly working out so well. it's stressful. Kyles pretty much the only one who hasn't responded to me yet and I've wrote out everything I've felt regarding him, me and everything. Reasons I wanna be friends again and all. And still nothing...I spoke to Darien about it to. He asked Lopez to speak to Kyle about speaking to me again. And since then, not a word about the subject from him. But I have quit bugging Kyle about it. I can sorta take a hint....just the reasoning bothers me...

Anywayz, Fencing (Girls' Team) won our first Meet this year! Against Fairlawn too. =] Me & Kiara got our Varsity patch to. It helped me to actually smile after everything that went down after lunch...mainly dad but still.

And I'm having doubts regarding me & Freshman.....I really don't see "us" going anywhere...it's kind of a big bother now actually.... =\

For A First: A New Year's Resolution.

I've never actually made a true new years resolution before to be honest. Yea, those little kid ones you hear about in school. Thos for good tidings and cheer and all of that honest to god bullcrap stuff we learn about when we're young. Usually I say I don't make them because I wouldn't remember them, which is true. But with this, I'm gonna actually try to mend and keep.

My Resolution is to mend/fix/repair/re-create most of the friendships I've had that I today wish I still had.
-Kyles
-Blakes
-Keps
-Dustin
-Christine

And also to not be so hostile and rude to those who may have ruined my middle school fun&memories, but to let go and move on. Not be rude because of minor past drama bs. Let time go and just enjoy it. Ya know?

So lets see where this goes....1st one on the list? Kyle...