Rugrats Scavenger Hunt = Win

One of my all time favorite games ever.  <3 IT WORKS AGAIN! <33333

"Stay beautiful. Keep It Ugly"

As the saying goes I guess, the best things come in the smallest packages. Right? I mean think about it.

• Rugrats
• Fruity Pebbles
• Cherrios
• Ipods
• A favorite neckalce
• A favorite place?
• A few bracelets
• A close friend
• Your best friend

Just the smallest of things can make someone so happy. Wheather it be you, or someone you care about. It's honestly amazing. <3

People come and people go. Wheather we want them to. Or wheather we don't wanna see them leave. But either way, we should try to be happy that they were there/are there at all. At least...I guess right? I mean, we had to like them & let them in our lifes for a reason right? And it's that reason we first thought & cared for them?

I swear to god I'm not drunk.
I swear to god I'm not high either.
I'm just....zoned in.
It's wierd...
But truthfull.

Cereal....
A little music...
My best friend...
Texting with you....
And a nice comfy spot to lay down...
Without anyone else...
Or any problems to face head on...

...This makes a goodnight for me. That simple really.
These are the kinda nights I love.

Especially when everyone in my house is asleep other then me...
It's so quiet. <3

This...this I'm actually ok with..

This, whatever it is, I'm actually perfectly okiee with. Honest to god. This might be the best thing for me right now. As well as you. You're just so sweet, just in the oddest of ways. You don't care what I do and we are both free to do and say as we please. Without worries of what anyone, even eachother, think. I dont know. I'm just...happy with you usually. I may be going through some changes personally and dealing with some crap. But you, you're actually okiee with that. And you don't ask if you don't know. You just wait on me to say it when I want. No questions, no worries...just...happiness. And right now? This is what I need. You and me. Us. I'm actually fucking happy. And I know you've got my back if I need you. And same if you needed me. You don't know how great you actually are, but thank you. You'll stand up for me when&where needed, and you don't judge me. I'm grateful. You actually care and I couldn't be happier. You're exactly what I've been looking for. And you're exactly what I need. <3

I don't know what to do...

You've done nothing
But come in
And leave my life
Over and over again
I don't understand us
I just don't get it
I love talking to you
If I could,
I would all day
Just sit there
Looking over from beside you
Talking to you
About anyhting and everything
I mean
Though it was over the phone
We pretty much
Use to do that very same thing
Thats what I miss
I miss when you actually cared
I miss you
The you know I know
That though you dont see
I know for a fact is still there
Hidden under piles upon piles
Of bull crap and pain
That you hold in
Oh god
I really wish you wouldn't
You're fucking amazing
I wish there were words
To even try and descirbe
How I feel about you
I'm sorry for anything I've ever done
To hurt you
But please
Don't let people get to you
As hard as it may seem
It is nearly impossible
But you've done it
You've been through harder times
It's just that this time
It's everything at once
Plus another.
I'll always be here
Whether you care or not
I wish I wasn't sometimes
Cause hearing your voice
Brings back such peace
But once I remember everything
I die a little inside
I dont know why you have such control
I fucking hate it
I don't get me
Why do I feel like this?
When I'm yet to meet you
I don't fucking get this
But all I know
Is that you can always count on me
To be the one to care
I don't know any other words to say
Other then all of this
I can be motherly
Or maybe it's more sympathy
Either way..
I'll always be here
Okiee?
I can also guarentee that
I pinky promise.

Anger rant...woot!

Wanna know the truth about me? Wanna know more about me now? Oh really? To bad. I don't open up as much as I use to. Not anymore. Not to anyone other then Vin. I don't fucking care. And don't go thinking in your head it's only because of you. 'Cause get this straight, it isn't like that. Not really at least now. It's cause of ones like you. Ones I can trust, and I know I can. But then something happens. Always. Yep. Life sucks doesn't? It does. This I know. So do you. But really? This game is fucking dumb. Now listen. This isn't to just you. Cause I have others Im showing this post too. But when I trust you, I do exactly that. Trust you with stuff I dont with everyone. Stuff I dont want everyone knowing. And yea, I trust pretty easily sometimes. But there are different levels to it. And then when I call someone a best friend, believe me, thats rare. My only real one? Scruffy. Thats dead obvious. Otherwise? It was you and Darien. This you also know. But it's when stunts like this are pulled. And listen. I know Im being a bitch in this. But you wanted me to say everything how I really felt. And here it fucking is. K? Congrats for you two. Im happy. But do expect me to just make everything else go poof? If so then my bad I guess. But like, it's been 2 days. Chill the hell out. I walk up ahead....whoop-de-freakin do. You know what today is? Do you really? Didn't think so. Don't go there. I texted you at the mall apologizing for doing so. And said one reason why. But apparently thats not enough. And also, when I correct you on something I know, it's not called being bitchy, it's called saying my side. I've let the times where you were bitchy with me slide, and I'm honestly sorry if I'm more so lately then I use to be. But just like you change, so do I. And I know things that I really wish I didnt. It's not my fault I act this way. It's not like a I want to. I've been like this with others, but never with you. I never wanted to be. But when you try to just make me quickly get use to shit I dont particularly like? It's not gonna happen. I might be a bitch. I might have changed. I might be brutal. I might be annoying. I'm an ugly unforgiving bitch. My apologzies. But you know for a fact I hate these kinda fights. Just like you told me, we use to laugh at the chicks who did this bullshit. Thinking that it wouldn't happen. I read what you've said. And honestly speaking? I believed it. I still do. But actions speak louder then words right? Apparently. I hate me. I have such unreal fake confidence now its kinda scary. But really? Don't go saying its not you this time. Everything works two ways. Stop this crap.

I fucking LOVE you.

You get me
You listen
You're there
You care
You're real
You're honest
You're funny
I just fucking love you.
There's not a single doubt in my mind
Not one false
Negative thought
I don't care what others say
You're the only one
To ever give me
True, complete confidence
In someone I never really liked
Myself.
I'm so glad to have you
And I can seriously say
You're better then everyone else
You know the most
And you wouldn't ever
Tell a single soul
You don't critize me
Unless I need it
Or otherwise,
I know I diserve it
You keep your beliefs close
And your mind & heart beside you
I fucking love you Scruff
You're my best friend
Through thick & thin
And forever more
Thank you dude
Believe me
There's nothing I wouldn't do
You know this
You've always got me
<3

Thursday Fires

You say it's not you
And it sure as hell aint me
Stop trying to point blame
I've given up with that
I'm sorry I'm me
And that you're you
But what the fuck else do you want?
You've said yourself that everyone has their own past
And Im certain Im not fucking you.
Everyone deals with crap differently
Yea I'm dammed happy for you
For the millionth time Im happy for you.
I love you guys together
But really now?
Reality check.
I dont care.
Unless you think I should?
Nothings gonna ever be perfect
No one is ever perfect
Things take time
And I dated him for two months on the date.
Think things will be so great?
In only 2 days?
You're not my only problem
You know this
But enough of this bullcrap
You know I'm not fine
But neither are you
Im just sick of pointing fingers
Its so damn stupid
I'm trying to move past this
Just as I thought you were
I'm sorry I dont like being a 3rd wheel
Even when you say we're all just friends
Hanging out
I think you know better.
From past
And personal experience
It's even wierder
When it's my ex
So please just realize this
I dont care
I just dont wanna be alone with you two
Plus you're sick of me by now
Thats pretty obvious
Well the feelings mutual then
I love you both
But in different ways
And usually seperatly
Or when others are around
When its just you two plus me
I dont know...
It's just akward
No matter how much we try to go around it
Dont get me wrong
Im use to it
Im fine with it
But ya know?
I'm not mad
I'm kinda annoyed
But you seriously can't blame me
I'm trying here
But apparently you cant see this
Thats not my issue.
Stop trying to force me to be the one to fix it.
Im not being bitchy
What you're getting?
Sweet honesty.

"You're a Hot Mess And I'm Falling For You"

"And I'm like hot damn let me make you my boo!"
-Cobra Starship: Hot Mess

x3 Half day before MDW and barely anyone's here! Woot! :D

1st period: 8 kids
2nd: 7
3rd: 5
4th: 7
5: About 10-12 (gym)
Lunch..
and then photo so like..14 kids.

Hanging with Brad, Joanna, Ray, Julie, Tom, Tolani, Ishmael, and a few others after school. A few of us are gonna go see 'Kung Fu Panda' first though! x) Lolz

"Dont you know?
Pump it up!
You gotta pump it up!
Dont you know?
Pump it up!
You gotta pump it up!"
-Danzel: Pump It Up

PARTY! <3

Joanna: You love me

Congrats to Joanna & Tom
05/24/11<3

I love the fact when i meet new people and actually get a connection with them....something always gets in the way from anything actually happening. -sigh- Really now.
Yesterday Me & Joanna were hanging out and we ended up getting Tom over by his house. (THEY'RE DATING!) And we eventually ended up over at Tank Park. From there we just hungout, having a good time. And we met these two people. Both middle schoolers though, but they knew Tom kinda. One is this fucking tall ass sweet funny kid named Ishmael. The other a shorter quieter chick...but I don't really remember her name. My bad. xD
The chick left and Me, Joanna, Tom, and now Ishmael all just hungout and eventually headed back for Joanna's cause I hadda be there before my dad was. Lolz. Me & Ishmael hit it off (as good friends) and Tom & Joanna were walking ahead or behind us most of the time. =] Me & Ishmael exchanged numbers and He left soon after we all reached Joanna's.
When my dad rolled on up (yes I just said that) I got the both of them to sing Happy Birthday to my dad. x3 Joanna attempted for singing it in Italian...but forgot it half way through. It's okiee though lmao 'Cause my dad didn't really know what she was saying anyway. Not bad, but my dad was really happy so it's all good. Tom called my dad his half dad and yea my dad got kinda mindfucked but it's fine, he was fine and even kinda proud of himself for it. :3
Me & Darien later on did a 3 way call with the Ishmael kid. Last about 2 hours. xD I even texted him & made him a bracelet. It has his name on it, nothing big. It's not like anything big though. Because of his age. I would if he was even a freshie, but 6th? I'm not sick. Not gonna happen. I don't care. Seriously. Don't even start thinking anything more of it. If anything? Really close friends. But that I could even doubt highly.
I haz detention today after school, but afterwards I'm meeting up with him. Then Joanna & Tom are gonna join us. Shouldn't be too bad. At least it's not the whole 3rd wheel situation just yet. Not as long as I'm the only other one there. As long as it stays like this, I'll be okiee. =]
Things seem to be starting to just maybe, possibly chill out. Maybe even get better? Let's hope. <3
Oh, and Imma try to get someone (preferably guy) to marry me on facebook. x3
Single ain't SO bad. Is it?

Quack - Randy

I love how certain people can just tell somethings wrong with me on certain days. Even on the days I try my hardest to hide everything from everyone. Even myself on days like today. I just push everything aside a become the person I actually wish I could be everyday. I really, really do. This happy-go-lucky, random, fun chick. But I'm not and I know it. So oh well. But it just....amazes me sometimes.

Thank you to Shane & Ant. <3

Oh Haii

Danananananananana............BATMAN!
I dun know...I'm tired leave me alone. I wanna go to Florida! Now! God dammit. In English...we're reading "To Kill A Mockingbird". There's a person named "Dill" who reminds me of Tommys' little brother from Rugrats! Also, there's a chick named "Boo" who makes me think of Monsters Ink!
(Insert awkward happy face here.)
I have a Girr notebook! Woot!
-Reads a little bit-
....They are idiots in this book. Just wow..The girl "Scout" finds & eats gum from a trees hole....


^ This is the shit I write when I get bored? Lmfao I feel so bad for some people who deal with my retarded self on a daily basis.

You think I don't know how great he is for you?
You think I just like feeling this way?
The only reason it hurts is cause you hide it.
And when you dont...
It comes out all at one giant shot to my head.
I love you two together
I really fucking do
You guys work things out
Cause you can get how the other feels
But just quit thinking I cant handle this
When you know I've personally done worse.
Im sorry Im such a fucking bitch
I really am
I really hate who I am
And I have for the longest time
Im so much I wish I wasnt
But I cant change
Not anymore
Not for the better
Im sorry that it hurts
But if I hid this from you
You'd be the same.
Understanding but hurt.
Am I wrong?
No.
Even you've said so.
I knew what your plans were with him this week
Thats why I asked you
To see if things have changed
I was so hoping youd own up and say what I knew
But you didnt
Not really at least
Im sorry that I like honesty
And that I still care for him
But all I ever seem to do lately
Is screw things up
If I didnt
Id still be with him
I wouldnt have Joe on my fucking ass
Kep would leave me alone
Id be better
But like the saying goes
Dont live in the past
And Im really trying not to
I wish there was a way to show you
Or even tell you upfront
Everything that Im feeling right now
Im crying
Yes
I know Im weak
Im just getting weaker too
Ill admit
Even the smallest things with anyone
Even you sometimes
Can set me off
And Ill be bitchy
But please understand
I fucking love you
The REAL you.
Youve said yourself
Ive seen you in ways no one else does
But thats exactly it
I know
Or at least kinda
Know the real you
From what Ive seen
From what youve said
And from the knowledge of others
I love you.
I really do.
I cant be mad
And I dont wanna be
I just....
I just really dont wanna loose the only true chick friend I have left...
Not over this
Im sorry for who I am
You dont know how much I wish I could change me...
Im so truthfully sorry
But please...
Understand my side.
It doesnt hurt that you like him
Or that he likes you
Im over him in that sense
Dead honest
But it just hurts
That you continue to hide
Till you read what Im writing..

Why am I going back? Just why?
I've learned for myself
That nothing is as it completely seems
I asked you up front
What you were doing
And you went ahead and said
Something that I know
Is just another form of hiding.
Hiding the truth from me
And I thought you finally would see
The fact of everything going down
Just keeps building on me.
On you too
And on everyone....
Even him.

I don't know what to do
Or what I could even say
I just know that I'm out of my mind
Thats nothing new.
But I'm just sick.
I'm sick of everybody
I'm sick of people
I'm sick of the lies...
The hiding..
The secrets..
And we all know we've done some bad crap
But really?

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do
When I don't even know what to think
I know a lot more then I should
And deffinatly more then I wished
Why cant you just be open with me?
I don't judge
I only think things
When others have to be the ones
To tell me stuff that you should've...

I don't care
i get its your life
But just because you think I'll hate you
Disown you
Ditch you....
I won't.
You should know me better by now
After everything everyones put me through
I'm not gonna leave
Just because of you

It's time to come clean
And this time for real
None of this babying
None of this pretending
None of this hiding
None of this caring
Just...

Please be honest.

Cant any relationships just be based off happiness? Making eachother happy? It's such a far fetched idea now-n-days. I swear. Thats all I want. Someone who honestly makes me happy. Sure, might get on my nerves every so often, but cheers me right back up. Someone I can't be too mad at. Not truly at least. A relationship of anykind where we just benefit from eachother. Is that such a difficult concept? God dammit.

Hanging out whenever we want to.
Get along somewhat with the others friends.
Can just talk about anything for however long we wanna.
Make eachother smile.
Kissing occasionally.
Holding hands.
Not to much sexual stuff. (I'm honestly not into that stuff at all.)
And a relationship where it's just fun.
Not stressfull.

Is it really that hard?

I could disapear and not really anyone would probably care. No one other then some family and Scruffy. Maybe a few others....but not for long. I'd be forgotten easily by others. That I really don't doubt. Either that, or I'd still be just another fucking joke. That I truly believe. I could be dead to some people and I'd still be just another fucking joke....just like I am now.

I don't know why I am this way. I really just fucking dont. I use to be so good. So strong. So willing to take on everything, even at once. Now...the little-est thing kills me inside. I'm shattered. I know I'm just some complaining bitch here seeing others, even that I know of&about, have it way worse then me...but their way stronger. I've barely been through anything compared to them....and look at me. Look how I am just now. I'm so fucking pathetic.

This is one reason people love me. I'm easy...in this sense at least. Say a few sweet, heartless things, and I'll be hooked. Even without wanting to be or knowing. And then you get what you want, and leave. Just as simple as that. You leave. Or better yet, you fucking play me. Best part? I let you. I give you le-way on it all. Why? Cause I seem to think I mean something to people. When in reality? I'm bullshit to most.

I wish I could be truthfully confident. I wish I had someone physically by my side through ALL of this. Not just bits & pieces. But I got Scruff. I love him. We havn't talked too much lately but it's fine. I need to learn to stand on MY two feet. Just that...I don't know if I can continue to. I'm horrified. To be honest....I really am.

My minds horrible. My emotions...unstable. Anger uncontroable...it's just not good. And my heart? Looking wildy and hopelessly for shelter. Even when I know it's crap and fake...yet look where I end up. And with who...

I just don't know..

Ok...time for the truth.

I'm not mad at anyone else but me.
At anyone else other then the world.
At anyone/anything less then that.

I'm an idiot, and we all knew it. No surprise there right?

I believe & trust.
I hide my reality.
I love my past mostly.
I dread my future past summer.
I dread me.

I don't know what I'm doing at all and I know I'm failing already before I even start.
This is me now I'm sad to say

I just hope I'm not here to stay

....I'm my own worst enemy.

Ok. Confession time here.

Yes. I was hurt by Joanna. But no, I'm really not mad. I know life isn't perfect and that it's never going to be. But I had a right to do what I did, I just took advantage of it. Only just a bit, and it mixed with other shit going on. I'm more mad at myself and family issues. Not her.

But I am mad at him. I am hurt by him. Seriously I'm sick of these games. I'm sick of the lies, the shadows, the disrespect. I really.....really am. Like, he honestly seemed better. To both me & Joanna. Now I've lost even more respect for him, and gained back some for her.

It'll be awhile before things are perfect with me&her. But I'm not going back to him. Ever. Him&Joe can happily go fuck each other up their sorry asses. xD

After last nights convo with Kep, I'm honestly in a lot better mood. He taught me how to box everything up in my mind, calm me down and just be happy for once. Last night was the happiest I've been in a hell of a long time. I miss that Donna. I miss that side of me.

I'm no slut. Neither is Joanna. Neither are any of my close friends. But some people have lost that privilege. I'm there for any of my friends when they need me. I might be quick with anger when things happen...but I always come back around. Dustin, (for awhile) Joe, Niko....they're all good examples of that.

I'm sorry but to some, I'm just not the girl you remember. I'm not the same one I grew up as. I'm me now.

I don't know what else to do, but go with the flow. I'm calming down. I'm talking with Scruffy & Kep & J. And they're who I need to right now. Even Joanna to fully get things straightened out. Just...we all gotta relax. But Tom. You're gone.

You're not in my life.
You're not my friend.
You're not an aquatence.
You're nothing to me.

You screwed things over for yourself. Go ahead, fuck yourself and wallow in your self pity.

Have fun..

Sometimes you just gotta learn to shut your mouth and keep to yourself. Let those who know whats going on, continue to know. And others can stay on the outside.

I don't care. I'm honest when I say I'm not mad at you. Or at him. I'm just fucking done. I don't care. You guys could date. I'm not gonna be the one to stop you. Not like I ever was a reason not to anyway right? Just 'cause you've both gone back on your word. Both of you have. And honest to god you can go fuck yourselves. Seriously. I'm not mad. I'm hurt and I'm done.

Go have fun. Go ahead and date. You're fucking perfect together.

And get this through your thick heads....you're NOT my only problem. Just that, I thought you were both better then that.

And for Tom?

You use to complain that people only dated you to get to Zack. This may have not been your plan in the start. But your not much different then those pathetic cheating bitches. Just....you're jackass. You said you "loved" me? That's a fucking load of crap. You don't know anything about anything. Fuck yourself.

And Joanna?

I've heard from the start a lot about you. Well, since high school really. But I never believed any of it. Cause I thought that if it were true, you'd tell me. I guess it's my fault then. Because now I'm the back stabbed one huh? The one who got hurt? Great to know. Great to hear. I thought of you so highly. But even Scruffy was right. I was fucking stupid. I'm gone dude. No respect given, none to be given out.

Goodnight.

Some people can really go fuck themselves.

Okiee I get it. People fall unexpectably for one another. I know this for a fact.

But it's when you hide, sneak around, keep secrets and pretend theres not a thing there....that fucking pisses me off. It seriously does. No joke. Tonights a GREAT example of it too.

You think you know a person right?

You actually feel guilt? Cause they "loved" you, and you left? HA. Thats a fucking joke. They wanted you're so called girl "best friend".

And even when you asked, and told them how you felt, it still happens.

This is fucking bullshit and I'm done with the both of you.

Go merrily fuck yourselves.

Have fun.

Not like you havn't already.

Why do I always get myself a lot of confidence...then it all jut vanish. Poof. Just like that.

Yea it use to be all of it would go poof. It's gotten better. But most of it still does.

I always put myself at the mersey of people. Without even trying.

It's like...even to those I know will screw up and hurt me, I still do this. I guess it'd cause I don't wanna lose them. But I know this aint worth it.

I just don't get why I secretly care so much. Eve when I know that nothings going to happen. And all that will, is that I'll get hurt.

Why?

There's always that one person...

There is always that one person you can trust. You can count on. You can talk to. Who can help. Who cares. Who is real. And, in some cases is your reality.

Someone you wouldn't replace for the world. Someone you hate not talking to, even if it's just a day. Someone you have a lot of unrepplaceable memories with. Someone who knows every side of you, and doesn't care. Someone who has seen you go through all you've done. All that you've seen.

There's always someone. Just that, with some, they're taken for granted. They do so much. Really, they do. And it's pretty much impossible to tell them. To show them. How much they really mean to you. How much you hope that you mean to them. You can't speak the words. And you can barely type them. Or even sometimes express them towards said person. That without them, you'd be so much worse. You'd be lost.

The saying goes, "You don't know what you have until it's gone." And I know somewhat, if not all, of what I have in him. And I really hope that I won't ever have to go through any chances of losing him. I know that it'll come. But I can hope it doesn't. I'm human. And still, I love him. Not in the most convential of ways, but I still do. If it weren't for him, I'd be such a messed up, bitch, screw up of a person. I'd probably be gone. Just, he's been there. Even when I wasn't for him. He cared about me, even when I didn't dare call him my best friend. Even when I was a bitch to him, just cause of who I thought at the time, was better. Even when I was her clone.

We've had our rough patches. But I still would & always will do anything for him. I know everyone has flaws. But he, he works through any. He has been so determined to better himself. To get stronger, smarter, do better in school, be active. I'm unbelieveably proud. No one has ever proved themselves to my memory, like he has. He's been through a lot, but he doesn't let it get to him. He is who he is, and doesn't try to change for anyone. He is an amazing person, and a role model for anyone his age. He really is.

He's honest, smart, funny, amazing, cute, caring, passionate, strong, hard-working, straight edge, respectful, indepedant, helpful, loving, an ubelievable friend, a great listener, wise, down-to-earth, calm, playful....just all around awesome kid. Or should I say young man. :P

There really isn't anything that I wouldn't do for him. Not after everything. I can't wait to just be able to hug him, and hangout like we use to. Just being able to see him. I'm grateful for him. I'm remarkably lucky at that too for him thinking of me just about the same way. I'm glad. And both this summer and the next one should be unforgetable too. Him here, and then me there.

Thank you for everything Scruffy. Honestly. Thank you. <3

Sooo lets see now..

This week:

-Finished my 4th book. "The Gathering" -Kelley Armstrongs start to The Darkness Rising Series.

-Got my permit after finishing behind the wheel this past Wednesday.

-Found out more about my Aunt then I wished...

-Along with my cousins family..

-Became good friends with another Florida child, Shane. Freshie who I fuckin' adore already.

-Havn't talked to Scruff in a few days.... :(

-Dustin's back in...again. And I'm helping him out...again.

-Brothers looking for another new job...

-Failing Algerbra II basic...agian..

-Me&Tom are on somewhat talking terms, though now it's time to give him his stuff back.

-Kep & I are talking. A lot too kinda. Though, I think he's changed...but again, I doubt it. Highly.

- J....I don't know what to say. It's wierd&complicated though, I like talking to him when we do actually talk.

-Sleepover with Joanna

- Andrew?

-Found out some personal...deeply personal stuff about new friends.

-Mario's out of the picture

-Alex is somewhat-ish back in..

-Ran into Cole while waiting for Julie. He remembers me & Tom. More-so me. We're gonna talk next time we both have a chance. He wants to join in on one of our adventures. (Caution will be taken. Trust me)

What the fuck...

Life isn't, or at least shouldn't be taken for granted. Not at all. I understand that lives are taken. I get that death is just a part of it. But before it comes, we gotta be who we are. Who we really are. Not who we're expected or "supposed" to be. There isn't enough time. And we can't possibly please everyone.

And you may deny it. You may say I'm out of my fucking mind. And I know I might be just that. But I don't think I am. I'm done being just another girl. I'm done being so insecure. Theres no reason for me to be the way I've been for years. Saying only the sweetest of things to everyone. Even if they didn't diserve it. At all. But not even cursing, or at least deeply trying not to, at anyone unless they just pushed me too far. I think It's time to change that. Thing is though, I just don't know if it's who I've become. Or if change would be the way to show myself who I actually am.

I've been the sweetheart to everyone. A pushover really. A naive little girl. I looked it too. Still do. But I'm not the same I was freshman year. I know better. I just, for some reason, havn't acted on it. I let my kindess overshadow all else. And I'm an amazing person, an amazing friend, to people who could truly give two shits about me. I'm such a dumbass, but only in that sense.

When it came to guys too, I've been the normal chick. Flirting my way into their hearts. Most hiding only what they really wanted. My damn pants. I'm not like that, so they found their ways out. Others, didn't and still don't know what they really need. Or what they want. So they stick to me, cause I've been to nice to say otherwise.

That wont happen anymore. I'm gonna be nice, but when it comes to a guy, their gonna have to do their own fair share. Make me know their interested in me. For something other then me being female. I'm pretty obvious from what I've been told when I like someone. So yea. I'm not gonna let it be one a one way street anymore.

And honestly, opening up to someone tonight would be amazing. When leaving NY today, as we drove, I looked at the apartments. The thoughts of the people who lived their, their kids, crossed my mind. Thought of how it must suck to be stuck with mostly the same people there. But how, if you wanted someone to show up at your window at night, if you needed an escape, it was actually more possible. The close quarters, and the fire escapes, made it possible. What it must be like for them, the teenagers there. Their get-a-ways, such an easy, or at least in my opinion, reach.

I'd like for someone to call or text or knock at my back door late at night, or early morning, wanting to just talk. I don't really know, but I'd love it more then most would. We'd just sit in the yard, and talk. About everything & anything we wanted. Deep conversations would start, and we'd just focus on eachother. Thats all. As we talk, nothing else would matter. For that time, it was just us. We could be ourselves. Ya know? It might sound stupid, but to me, it'd mean a hell of a lot. Always wanted that. Whether it was a one time, or a re-occuring one.

And also, now I really do know someone with Cancer. Now I get the big deal. Now I get the emotions that come when you find out someone you love has it. Now I get all of it. I really do. I might not get the full blow, but I get some. Seeing it's my favorite aunt on that side of my family, I can. I can learn it all now.

I love aunt Gina. I've loved her more then most people since I was really young. Some of my earliest memories of Jersey involve her. Whether it was her old house, her making me mac&cheese secretly, the sleepovers when I was five, or my old talks & preschool in her old town. Whether it was the singing holiday tree, or even the creepy fish. The cobblestone walk path in her old backyard. The bbq grill in the front right corner. The gate with the garbage on the side of the house where I used to hide in games of hide&seek. The layout of the old house. I miss it...I really do.

I can't even talk with anyone about it. No one. I would with Scruff, but I'd just end up rambiling. And probably breakdown crying like I'm about to just writing this all...I don't know. I just, I just care about him. I don't wanna worry or bug him with more of my annoyingly depressing new flashes. I'd really rather not. I mean, I want someone to talk to, but I don't wanna bug him. He's listened to me ramble the past few days. I wanna give him a break at least, let him talk. Let him stay happy. Him happy is all I care for. But like, I can't talk to my family about this. Dad doesn't even know I know she has even a possibilty of having cancer. Mom told me somewhere like a month ago. Said not to mention any of it. Not to worry him. I mean, the man has enough on his plate. Specially with me. I don't wanna do that to him. I may be his only daughter, and an apparent selffish bitch at times, but I wouldn't do that to him. He really has done so much for me. And I just...I just can't. Not to him. And mom thinks I can't handle anything. I'm still like maybe 12 in her mind. So I can't ask for more detail. I only know this much more cause of over-hearing my aunt yesterday. Joy.

I wanna just...talk with someone. And I've realized another thing. I've never been IN love with someone. Not yet at least. I've just LOVED them. They're different. I now know this. But honestly, I don't know what to think about much anymore. I'll tell you all that. Honestly. I know that I'm stopping going for what I can get, and going after what I actually diserve. But that person just hasn't come forth yet. I know a person I'd like to findout actually liked me, but unlike my books stories, it doesn't usually happen. Not like that. Not all people end up dating their best friends. Most of the time, at least. And with mine, I dont know. Don't think I havn't considered it. I have. More times then I could even try to count. For a few times too. But I just....I just wouldn't wanna wreck our friendship. And regardless, I doubt he's into me. At least, in that sense. He was once, doesn't mean he still would/could be. I wanna keep my best friend. I wanna keep my little brother. Not fall into the daily catergory. I'm not like that. I wish to say that I'm not normal, but I really don't know if I can answer that anymore. I just, I wanna make sure the one stable person, the only stable thing, in my life stays. I'm not letting him go. Never will. I think I've gotten that across by now.

I'm letting down my wall. Talk with me now. You'll get the real/new me. Guarenteed.

Scruffy is what's great about me.

Scruff, I love you. I really fucking do. You're my best & only true friend. Nothing will or would nor can ever change that. I'm not scared around you. At all. I can open up about anything & everything with you. You don't know how much it means to me. After all this time, you've never let me down once. I owe you so much, I wish there was a way I could be just as amazing as you've been. There isn't anything I really wouldn't do for you. No-one can say shit about you and not be a dumbass. You're the greatest kid, greatest guy, in my life. And the best I've ever met. You're beyond real. I'm amazed. You've made me so proud, I don't even know how to show or tell or even try explaining it to you. I can tell you everything to anything. And over the years, I pretty much have. You're the single person in my life I know won't leave. The one I actually trust. The one I always believe. I'm the luckiest or one of the luckiest people or girls in the world to have you by my side. Even if it's figurativly. You understand & accept me. Far more then anyone else seems to. You're honest & caring. You stick up for youself & me. You've helped me with so much and never left me alone in times I needed you. Our memories are unreplacable. There's no-one I'd rather have in my life other then you. If everyone else but you left me, I'd be a wreck, but not gone. I'd be ok. I know this now. You've shown me not to think so high of others but high in myself. And given me confidence, real confidence, that I never had before. I know I said that certain Ex's of mine did that, but that's not true. You did that. I could tell you so much about you. So much potential. So much greatness. So much...so, so much in such a young man. You really could do anything. And I think & hope you know that. I really will always be here for you Vin. Through anything&everything. You've shown me so much. I really can't thank you enough. I know you don't get why I thank you so often, but this tells everyone why. You're my little brother dude. Have been for almost 4 years. I know it'll be sometime till we get to hangout, but I can wait. As long as we talk, as long as you're happy, that's all that matters to me.
You're the best person to ever enter my life.
You're my little brother.
You're my bestest friend.
And you shall always be that.
All of it.

Thank you. <3

Mothers Day

Mothers Day. A day for everyone to show their love&apperciation to the mothers (or Mother-like figures) that have raised them. A day to celebrate them. To prove that you need them. That you love them.

But not all are so lucky.
Not all are STILL lucky.

I personally am, but I have two friends that sadly aren't. And their some of the sweetest kids. My friends Matt&Andrew, along with their dad, lost their mother to cancer almost a year ago. And depressingly, right before Andrews' High School Graduation. I love Andrew. I really do. I know I don't spend much time with him, and I've only known him for a little over 2-3 years. But still, I really care about him. And it sucks that tomorow is Mothers Day. And cause of it, he's upset. I don't blame him at all. It's gotta be hard. For both him & Matt.

I would spend my mothers day with them if I could. But I'll be out in GreenPoint then. And today, I'll be in Seacucus for a majority of the day. If I have time when I get back, I'll try to see if he wants sometime to hangout or not. I don't wanna pressure him. Not at all.

All-in-all, I'm proud of him. I really am. It's really hard to lose someone. Especially if their a close family member. Let alone a parent at such a young age. He's proved it, but he still lives his life. And that takes a lot. I'm really proud, but I do understand to a degree that he needs time to himself.

As I told him last night, I'll always be here for him if he ever needs someone to talk to. I honestly mean that too.

I'm really sorry for your loss Andrew&Matt. <3

I'm such a day ruiner x3

I love to make peoples lives better for them. I don't really care to much for myself, as long as I keep others happy. Thats just me.

But when you stoop to the level of creating rumors (and lets face it, we all have one time or another). But it's when you do it stupidly, about nothing, no real reason other then you dislike the person, and it's something obviously incorrect that gets me ticked. Though, it is actaully entertaining, depending on the level of stupidity involved.

Like say the new rumor about me.

Apparently, I've died my hair orange. And I have sex with Birman in the bathroom.

Lolz xD See what I mean?
Stupidity at one of it's most finest points.

I don't recall dying my hair. I'm sure as hell aint color blind. But apparently, people who barely know me at all, are. Cause I'm far from orange. Im dammed dirty blonde dumbasses. xD lmfao. I've never even bothered to dye my hair. I don't even bother trying to get someone to for me, or learn myself. Cause I have no future plans on it. x3

And as or the Birman factor, well....it's Birman? Really now? I know the kid (Well, knew.) And I don't personally care for him too much. He acts differently then he was or most likely, still is, just cause of the crowd he is now with. But whatever. I'm not skank dudes. And I don't even speak to the kid anymore. So you should really get your eyes checked out.

These are the times I get in amazing moods. Because of their stupidity. And this time, I actually know for a fact who started them. A buncha sophmores. I know each of them too. I had respect for 2 out of 3. Now for none. But I love me sometimes I really do. x] <3

I went up to Giulz when he was with this kid Kyle and his gf Nina (who of which I wasn't surprised to be in on this at all. She's even on my bus. xD) and had a casual convo with Giulz.

Me: heyy :D
Giul: hey whats up? =]
Me: My new hair! Don't you just love it?! It's so orange! -starts to laugh a bit- XD
Giul: -looks around my head for the supposed orange hair- uhm....?
Me: I have to thank Kyle! He chose the color and everything ya know! -turns and pats Kyles back, thanking him for the color choice-
Kyle: -turns at nina, they both exchange a look-
(In the background I hear Casey&Julie dying from laughter)
Me: -trying to not die of laughing and continues talking to Giulz like normal- Hey wait! What time is it?!
Giul: -Says its like three something- why?
Me: Oh nothing...shit! I gotta go! Their waiting for me to go, and I think Birmans in the bathroom still! -dies - xD
Giul: -mindfucked- what?!
Kyle&Nina: -exchange looks again and then pretend like I'm not there and they don't know what I'm talking about at all while I explain to Giulz a summary of it all-
Me: -As I walked away after saying bye & hugging giulz- THANKS KYLE!!!!! -I turn around and give him a heart-

I really love me sometimes....xD this is why. <3

Seeing shit isn't so great. Specially if you're mistaking colors with it now too. Lolz

Have fun :D

Ever have that feeling, that you just have this...automatic connection with someone? A spark? Not always love, but most of the time it usually is.

Anyone know what I'm talking about?

One that never, ever, no matter how much you try to ignore it, put it aside, move on, anything.....is still there? Regardless of maybe just one of you two still in denial? Even after not talking or seeing each other for awhile?

Anyone?
Think.

Everyone has someone. And there is someone for almost everyone. This world is wide. Just look around. Think.

And sadly, I think I know who mine was.

Someone who is, annoyingly....depressingly enough to me....isn't even in my life anymore.

I'll put it aside. I've had strong feelings for others after him. Just, nothing ever completely takes over that side of my heart....because of him. =\

Thats the kinda guy I'd love. One I know, I could only wish for. But it is. One like the guy Derek from the book series I've just read. I know, I'm stupid, but I'm being truthfull.

I know guys that like me, even ones who say they "love" me. But I know maybe one who actually shows it. And to my knowledge, it's not in the way you're probably thinking either.

But yea. Derek & Chloe. An amazingly perfect couple in my opinion. I could only dream of a relationship to be like that right?

Becoming friends and it just building up & up & up from there. Constant flirting in odd ways. I really don't know how I could describe it to you. Not unless you've read it. Even then, you'll probably call me crazy. But I love Derek. I love how he is with Chloe. And I love them even more together.

I just wish it could happen to me in a way.

I'm wierd. Sue me.

The Darkest Powers = Love♥

"Derek and I went out for our walk after dinner. Alone.
There was an open field behind the motel and we headed there. Finally, when we were far enough from the motel, Derek led me into a little patch of woods. He hesitated then, unsure, still just holding my hand. When I stepped in front of him, though, his free hand went around my waist.
"So," I said. "Seems you're going to be stuck with me for a while."
He smiled. A real smile that lit up his whole face.
"Good," he said.
He pulled me against him. Then he bent down, breath warming my lips. My pulse was racing so fast I could barely breathe. I was sure he'd stop again and I tensed, waiting for that hesitation, stomach twisting. His lips touched mine, and still I kept waiting for him to pull back.
His lips pressed against mine, then parted. And he kissed me. Really kissed me- arms tightening around me, mouth moving against mine, firm, like he'd made up his mind that this was what he wanted and he wasn't backing down again.
I slid my arms around his neck. His tightened around me and he scooped me up, lifting me off his feet, kissing me like he was never going to stop, and I kissed him back the same way, like I didn't want him to ever stop.
It was a perfect moment, one where nothing else mattered. All I could feel was him. All I could taste was his kiss. All I could hear was the pounding of his heart. All I could think about was him, and how much I wanted this, and how incredibly lucky I was to get it, and how tight I was going to hold onto it.
This was what I wanted. This guy. This life. This me. I was never getting my old life back, and I didn't care. I was happy. I was safe. I was right where I wanted to be."


"You were just worried about me."
An exhale, relieved that I'd understood. "Yeah."
I turned. "Because you think I'm worth it."
He put his fingers under my chin. "I absolutley think you're worth it."
"But you don't think you are."
His mouth opened. Shut.
"That's what this is about, Derek. You won't let us worry about you because you don't think you're worth it. But I do. I absolutley do.
I lifted onto my toes, put my hands around his neck, and pulled him down. When our lips met, that first jolt...It was everything I hadn't felt with Simon, everything I'd wanted to feel.
His hands went around my waist, pulling me closer--
Simon's footsteps thudded through the hall. We jumped apart.
"And he says I have lousy timing," Derek grumbled."

"He smiled. Hesitant at first, then a blazing grin broke through that made my heart stop. I recovered and grinned back and went to throw my arms around his neck, then stopped, blushing. Before I could pull back, he caught my elbows and put my arms around his neck and pulled me into a hug."

"I wanted to walk over there. I wanted to curl up beside him, lean against him, talk to him. I wanted to know what he was thinking. I wanted to tell him everything would be okay. And I wanted him to tell me the same thing. I didn't care if it was true or not- I just wanted to say it. To hear it, to feel his arms around me, hear the rumble of his words, that deep chuckle that made me pulse race"
 
"Just stay still, if you stay still it can't find you. That's sharks, you idiot. Sharks and dinosaurs. This isn't Jurassic Park."

♥

(All/Most of these are from the final book :3 <3)

The Boyfriend.

Okie. I'm honest to god fucking sick of this relationship crap. I really truly am. Like...I've had my fair share happen with my ex's and myself, but seriously.

I know I'm wierd. But honestly speaking, I'm not gonna go on here and rant about how I now don't want a boyfriend, just cause of me breaking up with Tom. It's not actually like that. I'm not quite looking really, but more so keeping an open eye & mind.

Thing is, I'm not like most. I don't base guys off their looks. Personality deeply counts for over 95% of it. But looks are always something to notice. Not gonna lie.

I just want a boyfriend. One without complications to him. One who could be truly happy with me. And not always upset and depressed. Whether it be hidden well or not. I really don't need more of that. What I have now involving that, I can handle. Dateing that, not so much.

I want a relationship that can last. One I can see a legit future. Not a fairytale. One where the both of have equal feelings. And don't rush anything. Why rush if we're not going anywhere?

A relationship where we are just permenant friends who like & do stuff together. Whether it'd be making fun of one another. Helping out one another. And be able to kiss. But not like friends with benefits. Not to the level where you can hook up and then think we aren't even together really. A best friend kinda boyfriend. Thats my ideal one.

One who can deal with me AND my friends. Not bad mouthing any. But not getting close to any. One who understands that things change sometimes, and we might just have to take things easy and give each other some space from time to time depending on other happenings.

Someone who actually gets me. Doesn't just say what I wanna hear and someone I know will actually be there. Someone I know I can trust. Someone I can be my real self around.

And you know how many people there are like that? One. So chances of me getting any actual boyfriend soon? Pretty much none.

So single it is!

It happens.

So, me & Tom are officially over. Have been since last night. Now listen, I know I did it over the phone, but I had to. Otherwise I felt even worse. Cause I had this feeling that if I bothered to wait till morning, that it would seem like I pretty much planned this.

I hate that I did it. I really do. All it does it complicate things even further. But like...I had to. I can't something up, if it doesn't have any connections. If you're in a relationship, it must be a two way street. And with me, I have to know it's a two way street. And lately, it hasn't been. It's just gotten worse & worse & worse.

It started with me getting annoyed. Really easily too. Don't ask why, I just started getting annoyed at the smallest shit he did. But truthfully, he DID actually get annoying after awhile. He meant well, that I knew/know, but I just couldn't. Not well at least. And everything just kinda built up from there.

There were always the small things he did that I just couldn't stand, but I was to nice to say. But I know I'm gonna sound bitchy, but jealousy was one. I don't like when the people I date get REALLY close with my close friends. It just....makes me feel like crap. Always have. I hate it. A lot....especially when they open up to them first with and hide when the two of them actually hangout from me. That just is honest to god bullshit.

Anyway....(I could rant forever. Trust me.) Yea. If you know more, congrats. But right now, I'm only opening up to Scruffy and a small bit freshie Nicole. If you read this & wanna know more, find out from me. Got it?

Thank you SO much Scruffy. <3 Really. Can't wait till I get a video camera. (: Love you lil bro. <3

I can be a REAL bitch when I wanna be. x]

Me to Joe:
-as a final message-
"That was a wonderful chat. I mean, I really got a good laugh out of it all. But unknowing to you, I have grown up. Just cause some of my friends havn't doesn't mean I havn't. I've realized that because of you're dumbass screw ups, you've completly lost the best thing you ever had. I'm great & I diserved so much more then you. I wasted 8 months on your ass. Congrats. I've moved on. Tonights the last night I'll ever play your cheap little games. Goodbye Joe."