I could disapear and not really anyone would probably care. No one other then some family and Scruffy. Maybe a few others....but not for long. I'd be forgotten easily by others. That I really don't doubt. Either that, or I'd still be just another fucking joke. That I truly believe. I could be dead to some people and I'd still be just another fucking joke....just like I am now.

I don't know why I am this way. I really just fucking dont. I use to be so good. So strong. So willing to take on everything, even at once. Now...the little-est thing kills me inside. I'm shattered. I know I'm just some complaining bitch here seeing others, even that I know of&about, have it way worse then me...but their way stronger. I've barely been through anything compared to them....and look at me. Look how I am just now. I'm so fucking pathetic.

This is one reason people love me. I'm easy...in this sense at least. Say a few sweet, heartless things, and I'll be hooked. Even without wanting to be or knowing. And then you get what you want, and leave. Just as simple as that. You leave. Or better yet, you fucking play me. Best part? I let you. I give you le-way on it all. Why? Cause I seem to think I mean something to people. When in reality? I'm bullshit to most.

I wish I could be truthfully confident. I wish I had someone physically by my side through ALL of this. Not just bits & pieces. But I got Scruff. I love him. We havn't talked too much lately but it's fine. I need to learn to stand on MY two feet. Just that...I don't know if I can continue to. I'm horrified. To be honest....I really am.

My minds horrible. My emotions...unstable. Anger uncontroable...it's just not good. And my heart? Looking wildy and hopelessly for shelter. Even when I know it's crap and fake...yet look where I end up. And with who...

I just don't know..