Just the way I'm Not.

Seeing your name calling me just now, shocked me. You. Of all people. You know you still got me. That alone made my day pretty much. I really missed having you around & you even acknowledged that. Wow, biggest smile. I love that you chose me to call. Omg, I don't even know how to explain it. You were my original "boo" and the reason it became a habit. :P But anywayz, you know in your mind&heart that you'll always have me to come to. And I actually still have thee effect of calming you down. ^^ I dunno why, but I love it. A lot. Thank you. =] I'll always be here for you dude, I mean it. You've stayed clean for a few months and I still don't really think you diserve what she said to you. You're happy, stay that way. Happy looks good on you.

Anywayz, my best friend is growing up. x3 lol I can't wait to see you dude. And I like that you're so happy. You diserve the world but you never got it. But with her, I'm happy to see you with. She's the best one yet. =] I love you Scruff. You know this. You're my world & my best friend. Everyone knows this already. I don't care what others say, they can't take your place with me. No one ever could. I'm sorry at the same time I'm not. Cause you've always been there & you always will. You're constantly able to deal with my shit & cheer me up by the time we're done talking. I know that for now everything will have to be seen between us in chat, but once I'm physically there, I'll be extatic. Idc if I can't spell it either. You know what I mean. This trip has meant alot to me, and I'm not letting anything get in the way of it.  :3 I love you bro. <3

Friends come & go. Sometimes its wished for, others time dreaded & missed. I know of at least one of both currently. I wont go into detail for either. But they should know which is which. Don't think I enjoy this is all I will say to both.

I don't know if "resilient" is the right word or not, but I know what I diserve and sometimes the only thing I can think of to do with some situations is walk away. I don't enjoy it at all, never have and never will. But sometimes its better for us both if I do. I don't do it easily and theres always times where I'll come back. But I do try to talk it out before hand, I never just do it. It's up to those I try for to decide. Whether itd be for relationship or friendship wise. But if either of you two honestly cared, you wouldn't let me do this.

I don't know what else there is to say anymore. Other then let senior year begin! <3
Btw: Being sick sucks.

Who's in this picture now?

People currently in my life putting aside family:

That are actually there..

-Scruffy
-Luvie
-Jimmy
-Em
-Mike
-Cj
-Brian
-Spike
-George
-Billy
-Amanda
-Ang
-Jp
-Joanna
-Tom
-Zuki
-Julie
-Casey

...Now for those I actually know I can talk too

-Scruffy
-Luvie
-Em
-Amanda
-Tom
-Mike
-Brian
-Jp

Now those I actually do talk to bout stuff most of the time...

-Scruffy
-Luvie
-Em
-Tom

...
Wow has the list changed since last time I've made one.
I'm sorry for those I've pushed out of my life, but there was usually reason. With some people...I'm just no good with. I know most of the people even diserve better then me too. So thank you to them. <3 Each person here has a story behind them. And I'm glad I can say I'm still a part of theirs.

You...

How can you even do all of this? Make me go from being annoyed with you and all, to this again? So quickly. You are one of the sweetest guys I've ever met before, deffinatly one of a kind. You have meant so much to me, still do. Always will. There isn't a possible way I could ever forget you. You come into my life, and trust me you've made an impact already. I'm sorry that I know I'm not always there like I say I would be. But I really do try. You happy, makes me happy. And I know you're never truly happy anymore. And the most if any smiles of yours are real anymore. I adore you & love you dude. You diserve so much, and it sucks that this shit does happen to you. I wouldn't let it if I could. I've always told you that you diserve a lot. I know I might be stupid to say all of this, but I don't care. I'm speaking by what I'm thinking right now and I do mean it. I know that you do care. And I know I'm not the only one either. You've got a lot on your plate. I get it, and I'm not going to bug you. I hope I never do. You're one of my closest friends babe. I'd do a lot for you to be happy. I wish I could help out more.

If you really do ever need anything, someone to talk to, or someone to help, anything, you know you've got me. Always will regardless of anything else. I care for you so fucking much, and everything I've said to you. I've meant. I know I'm a hard to handle case at points & for that I'm sorry. I can't be blamed, but neither can you either all the time. Please know you can tell me absolutly anything. You've helped me out, and I'll do the same for you back. Thus what friends are for sii? <3

Hello..

Today could've barely been filled more to the top with flashbacks. I mean really...holy shit. Some were good, in fact, most were nice. Others...later on? Not so much. My mind can't stop looking for more forgotten memories. And to think, I was finally in a good freakin' mood. Don't get me wrong, I'm so fucking glad I went there today. I got to see a REAL old friend, Ang. And even hangout with an ex & good friend kinda JP. Today, then was great. Later on...once with Amanda...things changed. Everything really really went down hill. Slater didn't quite help. But I had to speak with her, just to see somethings. And my thoughts just happened to be right, she was never, ever a real person to me. Just a figment of what I thought she was/could be. I'm really glad I've changed..I guess yea. I am. I mean really...given a few more months with her...what would of happened? Another sleepover? =\ I can't believe what I was then. How naive and innocent. She opened up a world I know now I'm glad I learned bout early. Kids, don't ever be like her. Please..

I don't even know...I just..being honest...wanna just curl up into a ball and go to sleep. I'm seconds from tearing. I just sometimes am like this I guess. Overwhlemed? Maybe. =\ Too much at once. Not all I wanted to remember. Most I was fine without. But I guess this me is back right now...and I'm sorry to those who have to deal with me.

Bottoms Up x3

Nah the name isn't whatcha thinking. You should know I'm not like that. :P It's simply catchy. x)

Anywayz, haii there. I know who's gonna read this, so I'm good. =]

Any-who, I'm having a good time. I've got a little less then a month left to summer now and I'm not gonna keep wasting it.

Tomorow: Zuki
Thursday: Anything
Friday: Tom
Saturday: Seacacus
Sunday: Movies?

I'm just gonna enjoy the rest of my time before I go into school mode. Not like I ever made it completly into that transition last year. xD
But in all seriousness, I gotta actuall be smart this year.

Also, I'm a fucking adorable beautiful loser. Or at least I can be. And that's better then what I use to think. It's only occasionally but it's something.

And I'm not gonna keep myself down. I go for what I diserve, nothin less. I've got some of the best friends. Or well, I've got thee best friend ever.

Fuck you all to those who try to make me feel like less then I am. Or to those who only like one part to me. I mean it, fuck you. I'm me and thats what I'm gonna be. ^^

Vincent, Vin, Vince, Scruffy.

Okiee here we go again, with my ranting and all. It's all bout you again bro, why? Cause you're you. And without you, I wouldn't know the deffinition of a friend.

I know you're not coming up this year, and trust me that did hit me pretty hard. You were what made me look forward to summer. Specially this one. But honestly, this gives me just more reason to make it through this school year. Regardless of what thee past one did to me. I won't say I don't care, but I know I can do this. I gotta do this. You're my fucking brother & my number one guy & friend and just everything. I love you so much and you mean the freakin' world to me. I don't care what others say, I know who you are really and you're my favorite person ever. I have so much to thank you for, I've lost count long ago. But still, thank you. Thank you Scruff, really. <3 I don't wanna know where or how I would be if it weren't for you. I'd probably be like her for gods sake. And who wants that? But really now, I do mean what I say bout you. I know I'm extremly hard to handle at times & I'm a bit naive but you still are here. :D And that alone means so much. <3 I feel so old now that you've reached 15 too by thee way. xP But it's cool. 5 years dude, five years together. It's unbelievable. Really, it is. ^^ I wouldn't change it, not from where I'm standing. Anyone who puts you down in just stupid or jealous of who you have become. You're so much, I really don't think you know half of it. Or at least, believe it all. I'll always be here for you bro, no matter what. I can't wait till I go down to stay with you guys next summer. Best summer ever? Pretty damn sure. :P

Scruffy, Vincent, Vince, Vin...I love you so much. You make me so proud. I would never trade you for anyone in this world, dead or alive. I love you for you, nothing more or less to it. You're the best friend anyone could ever ask for or even hope to have. I know it might make me sound corny or losery, but hey, I'm being dead honest. I'm so glad you've always been there for me, since the start. I don't even count Christine as my 1st best friend. Her nor Gaby, seeing where & what they became. Honestly, you're my best friend. And I'm hoping it stays to be my life long friend. Middle School buddies, grow olde. :P Thank you for everything. <3

I'm just numb now, it's fine.

I know I've made my fair share of mistakes. Everyone in life has right? Everyone one day has to learn how to stand up for themselves. Cause if you don't, who will? I've been lucky enough to have Scruffy. He means the fucking world to me, and I'm sorry if thats just another mistaken foolish idea of mine. You havn't been there nearly as long as him, you really don't have a right to say who's my better friend. He's saved me enough times, helped me through some tough shit, and gotten me to where I am today. I wouldn't be here without him. I'm sorry if thats not your idea of a best friend.

Anywayz, yea. I'm not even mad bro. I'm just numb. I care, but it's just kinda...done. I don't know how to express how I'm feeling right now. The one time I actually try 'n stand up for myself, it screws an entire friendship up. I've felt like crap for days. It's been building for longer though. And honestly, that night, I just had enough. I know you may say it hasn't been a carnival ride. But look around. The one night you told me how much you felt for her. Without even mentioning me. I had to ask, and I did. I got up the courage, and did. You told me some of the sweetest shit anyones ever said, and I took it to heart. My bad. Two or so days later, she giult tripped you. You call me up while I'm out, telling me not to go on facebook and I was hurt, but out of giult, you "fixed" it. Thinking that'll fix everything else? After everything? Yea it's facebook. But think now. Bout what I've said. Within a lil over a week it went to all bout her, to me then you letting her win to just feel bad and go back after me. To what? "Fix" it for her the next day. And not have the courage to even talk to me much that day. Let me find out.

Now you can't blame me for my anger. I'm nobodys second. I was one for the fucking majority of my damn life. I'm sorry if I don't fit your usual, if you really did know how much everything has ever said to me, meant, you'd notice. But I'm honestly not gonna sit here and play on this see-saw. I'm really sick of it. It's been to long. I'm not doing this again. No. I diserve better. Love is strong. I get you got three girls on your mind. But out of them, who means most? Then comes your happiness. Which one makes you the happiest now? I can guess from last night.

I'm sorry that my best friend never really liked you much. Never really liked the idea. I'm sorry that just cause I actually know Amanda, thus how you & I started talking. But think of it for a second out of his perspective.

I'm not usually this kinda girl. The girl who lets herself get like this. He likes me happy, but not this kind. Cause I don't even know what this kind is. But ok, to him, you were a friend of mine. One I've never met. Or would even if anything, for a lil under a year. You were someone who just kinda entered my life randomly. Ok? A random 17 year old guy who had feelings for his best friend. And who I soon had feelings for too. I'm sorry that last time I had attempted a long distance deal, ended up with me being hurt badly. And it last long too. Scruffy knows this. He's protective. I'm sorry if that was an issue.

Then the night I told you everything through my anger? Yea, I'm not a big mouth regardless of what I call myself to anyone. I only told him pretty much. I'm sorry if he got pissed at how hurt I was. Because of who? Oh I wonder.

Now my dear, I'm really not mad. I'm just sick and sorry and tired of all this. I really do fucking care for you. But this all happened way to quick and I don't just wanna be seconds. The game had to end eventually. I'm just sorry I had to be the one to say it. The one time I actually stand up for myself, winds up with me here. Great.

I'll always be here for you, wheather you're mad at me or not. I really hope you don't hate my guts, but you wouldn't be the first. Or the last. Like I told you in the begining, there are many reasons for people to hate me. I'm me. There ya go. But look past how I've been now from everything, and what was I? What am I? I'm a complete fucking sweetheart. I've always tried my best to make sure you were happy. I've always cared since day 1. You can't really argue that. And I'm sorry if I'm too much, trust me I understand. But I will always remember you. I will always love you. You're on my mind mostly even throughout this fighting and w/e else you wanna call it. I care, more then most seem to. But I am sorry for ever hurting you. Just know, I meant every bit of what I've told you. The bad, along with every ounce of good.

I'm sorry..

I just...I don't know. i let my emotions get the best of me. And I feel sick, horrible. I always do afterwards but what I said is what was on my mind. But I don't know. I just know I can't match up to her. Any of them. Any of your friends. I'm me and I'm glad. But that's all I will ever be dear. You mean so much to me, really you do. But at times, I just don't know what to think or do. I sometimes feel like we're taking turns. Ya know? Like, one me. Then next goes her. Then it's my turn again. And I just hate that. I get it, but yea. I'm really sorry. I know I'm just a jealous prick sometimes and I can be an uber bitch. There are reasons why most can't stand me. At least for long. I don't wanna hurt you, so I'm leaving it up to you. Take your time, I don't mind. I just wanna see you smiling.

I'm moving on.

Not just for one thing, but in general. I really just don't give two shits. Some people are sweet by nature. Some by chance. Others...simply never. Really now. -.-

I don't know what I can even say anymore that wouldn't make me sound like a fucking record. Lets just see what's really inside me now, shall we?

• Oh hey there. Know me? Really? No surprise. I've opened up to you pretty quickly. I care about you so fucking much that it can at times scare the shit out of me. But then on days & nights like this, I'm just lost. I'm learning to just deal with it and not let it ruin my day. But of course it does effect it. What would you rather me do? Of course I'm going to constantly check & make sure you're ok. I care SO much. I won't say its my job, cause that sounds rude. But its someting I do. I'm sorry if I ever annoy you. But our little situation does bug me sometimes too. But seeing you hurt is something I really hate. I don't care too much whats wrong with me, as long as you're ok. And I know it's probably wrong to say this luv but sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore. I just kinda put my phone down and walk away. Cause I know I can't help. I know I can't do anything. And I know that once you finally do actually make you're choice, somethings gonna happen. I just hope it's not what has happened with me & people before. I'll be fine both ways as long as we're friends. But if by chance we become more, I just don't want to hurt you. I love you, that simple. You're amazing. One of a kind for sure. I'll always care about you. And like you've said, I've changed since you. You've made me better pretty much. Though I just wonder what this school year will be like. How much more of these people I can honestly take. I do understand whats going on though, to some extent at least. I know it's not your fault to much, I just wish I knew what was going on durring times like this. Ya know? And trust me, I know you're not "that kinda guy", I know that you're not. This stuff happens to us all eventually. It's not that big a deal, I know, it's just how I am. All I want is you happy & I'll be good. I'm sorry for being like this, but this..this is honesty at it's finest. Just, don't hate me or leave please? Stay in my life.
• Im slowly but surely trying to forget you. All the times you've tried getting back into my life, just to fuck shit up with us both & my friends, I'm done. I've been done. Theres nothing I really want more right now then for you to just dissapear. I hate you. I do. That I know. Last nights poem proves how bad things got. I forgot bout that night "dear". I was so low then, it wasn't good at all. I love Scruffy for being there too. Always will. But you, you can go fall off a fucking normal ass cliff. No more of my imigation ones. Just go try to fly or something. You've got the intellegence of a fish just longer lasting. I fucking can't stand you, and what you put me through. More then once. And you just keep trying. Fuck off you piece of shit. Not like you're even completly on earth anyway, why not leave it. I'm pretty sure we'll have more respect that way. Become a space monkey please. Oh wait sorry, forgot, no one would want you. Well, other then my stupid ass self did. Longest lasting relationship my ass. I don't count most if anything of that. You used me. Played me. Lied. And then turned around and dumped yet blamed everything on me. All the shit you did to yourself, even to this VERY fucking day, all my fault. Yep. Become a zombie maybe, you'll be fun to kill. Easy too.

More will come later... I think two at a time is fine.

I kinda just gave up finally..

I've pretty much finnally gave up. I'm me. Fuck you all.
The world will not be satisfied by anything & everything anyone ever does, so why try? There's always those who actually appericate you & others who wont. That simple.

I could & would list names here with shit I've been wanting to say to each of them lately. But I wont, for the fact of it getting out really and I just don't care enough to wanna deal with that.

But some people can really go fuck off.

• You said I was the best chick friend you'd ever had. That I was infact a best friend. We've tried talking shit out and you said you never did anything, when in fact you did. I told you all the issues I've had building up, just to get shot down. Now heres summer, and it's like Im dead to you. Unless it's about the girl you'll never get now or you're just that bored that you're willing to actually talk to. Am I worthy of you're extreme bordom? I'm sorry I don't fit up to you're pathetic standards dick.
• You, you too actually. Not going to hangout with us, just cause I'm there? When I took YOUR responsibilty of watching over your little brother without one complaint? I actually enjoyed hanging with him. He gave me some insight as to what you've done since we got outta school. Nice to know I'm a simple joke to you. Let me tell you something, e was so much nicer to me that day then you've been to me in months now. I'm glad I got over you so quick. Damn, you might be fun and say you care, but only when you're alone now I guess. Cause with thee other two, you say you fucking pretty much hate me. Thanks nice to hear. I'll remember that when you come crawling back in september. I wont ever wish something bad upon you, you've gone through a lot in your life. I know this, and I wanna be friends, but it's obvious I'm worthless in your eyes now. And I apologize. I don't try to fit in with you guys now. There's nothing worth trying for now..
• There's so much more, with a lot of different emotions...but I think it's better saved for another time. Later..

Found an old poem from 6/9/10 in an old Math notebook...

"You cut my heart open wide
Like a little kids toy
In its toy chest full of love
Towards the tops of the barell now it goes
Floating in nothing other then forgotten hopes
And old dreams covered by a cluster
Of innocence mixed with new found problems
Pain like no-one knows
Such a kid inside of this heart of mine
You cut me open like nothing else
All of my life I've waited for this time
But why now am I running in fear?
I'm bleeding like never before...
So much blood surroinded by pain and depression..
This is such a surprise
To see you here before me
And ow I run and hide
What could this be?
But a simple childs nightmare
Simply coming true...

I.Love.You.
+
You.Love.Me
...
Why is this so difficult all of a sudden?

Is it me?
-Or-
Is it you?

Always & Forever my love...
Always & Forever..."

I don't wanna think about you.

It really is so fucking simple. You. Us. I don't want any of it. I want you in a hole. Not dead. But far enough away. I'm blocking your god forsaken number. Your name. All your screen names. I want nothing to do with any part of you. What we were. What we about to be. What we could've been. None of it. It's a horrid memory. And a lot of memories at that. Just like you got flashbacks, so did I. So do I. When I saw that name, and what you wrote. I broke. Your dumbass even knows how much that takes. How much pain. Memory trip? Yep. Your song played too. Fun huh? Totally. I can't believe anything I ever saw in your disgusting dimented self. Ever. Or any of your friends except John. He is the only real one, when you guys put him down every fucking day. Let me say, he's better then any of you.

You're a cheating lying douche bagged jackass dick imginary attenion slut man whore disgusting piece of crap. You've brought me down to nearly my worst so many times. Thank god I had Scruffy & Luvie last night. Otherwise I probably would've done something stupid. Maybe even responded. Who knows right? Yep.

I fucking hate all of anything that is you.
I just thought you'd like to know.

I gotta stop doing this crap

Like seriously now xD What the fuck? I should be happy and content with where I am & who I am still with. I've got the best friend anyone could ever ask for, a great guy as one of my closest friends, and a few good decent others.

Yea the small things that people say often times hit me more, specially if they're good things. Like compliments. But honestly I gotta stop letting them control me. I gotta be like I was last month or so. Be happy and be me. Anyone who would wanna be here, is. Right? There's a reason that people have learned to deal with my stupidity. xD

I'm such a fucking loser. It's fun at times, but lets just see where this is headed.

It's been awhile

Ya know those unexpected moments that become your favorites? Yea, I love those. So much. <3

I love talking to you, joking around, texting, being stupid with, hanging out, playing games, opening up to, being there for, having, and just everything with you babe. It's been a hell of awhile if ever since it's been like this with me. I love this feeling and I wish it never hadda leave. 'Cause honestly, with some of the stuff you say to me, I feel like I'm on top of the world. And I know I could take the world as long as I have you & Scruffy along side me. <3 I love this so fucking much. Currently? There's a smile that won't fade & guess who put it there? =]

I don't really care what others say, it's you I want and it's that simple. I love how you & me are and how well we are together. Really now. It's amazing and something I wouldn't trade in for anything. ^^ <3 I'm in such a good mood. And earlier tonight, my mood was fake but now you've made it a real one. <3

I'm sorry if I ever make you think I'm mad. I'm not. I just get kinda bitchy sometimes and I know I do. I don't ever wanna hurt you & I really do hope I never ever do. You mean so fucking much to me & believe me when I say it's amazing. <3

It's nights like this I really love. And I love the fact you call me right as you're about to pass out. I don't know, it makes me feel special. Important. Ya know? Like, I'm the last thing you wanna hear before bed. And the fact that you passed out only for 20 minutes and dreamt of continuing the conversation we were having as you passed out, is flippin' sweet & cute & adorable and just x3 <3 Its so just perfect. Well, to me. x3

Asking about glasses and then bring up it'd be hot that you'll be dating a girl with glasses after I told you I need to get some soon? :3 I don't know. It's small things like that, that get to me the most. Small little hints & compliments like it. The "stares at your prettiness" & "dealing with you isn't the question, dealing without you is". You're sweetness is one of the many reasons I freakin' adore you so much. <3

Thank you for this. (:

Happy Birthday Luvie :D

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday dear Luvie!
Happy Birhtday to you! <3

Happy Birthday Luvie! (: I luv chu <3 I really do hope you have thee bestest birthday yet. You are one of the sweetest guys I've met yet. And one of my closest friends too. You're one of the only people I know who doesn't judge me really. And who is also honest about stuffz. Thank you. <3 I've been able to open up to you more then most people lately. You & Scruffy are my two favorite people. <3 I know I've said this before but I'm honest when I say that I will & am always gonna be here for you. Wheather its to talk to, get help from, someone to listen to you, anything. I'm here and I am here to stay. =] Thank you very much. -bows- Luvie, you're amazing and I'm hoping you don't change really. Ignore those who talk or do stupid shit to you and continue being you. Trust me, it's better then the majority of them. You diserve a lot more then you recieve and thats the truth. You've been through a lot pretty much and yet you still come through as a great person. You mean a lot to me already and I'm hoping you'll always be my friend. <3 -hugs- Have an amazing birthday dude, you diserve it. <3

Imma try to hold my head up

Cause letting my mind & head fall, doesn't end well. So why let others win when I got them? :3 Exactly.

Anywayz this upcoming Sunday is one of my favorite peoplez everz birthday! :D Luvie! =] He shall be 17 and I'm hoping to be the first to wish it to him on thee actual day at midnight just he did for me. But anyways, I thought of making his birthday wish on here so I could try 'n striagthen out my thoughts. Well, I guess you could say that.

So babe, when you read this (which I know you will :P) be sure to check it on your birthday. Cause I'm pretty sure there will be a bit of a surprise here for chu :3 Well sorta maybe possibly anyway. x3

There's always two sides to every idea or every story..

I've been trying to show off the girl I could really be. The care-free, loving, fun, sweet chick I know I am. But honestly? It's a lot harder then it's seemed. Trying to ignore all the shit that my so called friends try to get me into isn't fun. The drama, the drama I'm just sick of. Fucking seriously now I am. I don't really give a shit about who dated who, who did what, who said this. Quit it. Cause it doesnt get anyone anywhere. Ever. You guys are supposed to be my friends, not the news crew. This doesn't go towards all, but a lot of my "friends." And it hurts even more, when they start multiple articles about me, and keep it away from me. Do you really think that I won't hear about it? I wont find out? If you do, you're stupider then you make yourself seem.
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I've been wanting to write but I can't figure out what. Theres a lot I've been wanting to say, but just can't say out loud or type. Theres a lot on my mind and I know that no-one at all really knows it. Cause theres both good and bad but so far, I'm trying to keep the bad back. It just isn't working out so well. Yesterday was the first day in a long while that I've been so care-free. So simple. I loved it. At least till I returned home again to only see what I was hoping was un-true. It honestly didn't take long. Like I've told many people, I'm easily replaced most of the time. Apparenlty new found friends are no exception. Thanks Nick. Luv ya too. -.-'
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Relationships are usually either really simple or really complicated. Simple ones are pretty rare now though, and I'm not thee only one who says so. But either way, it shouldn't matter as long as you care for the person & you are cared for back. This doesn't just apply to dating, but everyday relations too. Dating is such...whats the word...difficult thing to keep now. Honestly. It's a two way street that you both have to try 'n keep up. And with most, it doesn't stay up long. xD lmfao (That sounded really wrong, my bad.) But yea. You have to be fair. Ya know? And I'm sad to see so many great people I know, taken for granted. Some diserve it, others not at all. I just wanna see my friends happy. Thats all. And to the fuckers who can't do that much, fuck off. That goes to you too Joe. Stay.Out.Of.My.Life. Okiee? -sigh- Anywayz...I'm ranting I know. Sowwie. Theres just to much going on in my head right now...I think I'll just write later.

What is this? A confession booth? Pretty much..

-It hasn't been such a great night-
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-) Im so scared for you, like you don't even know. You don't know how much it hurts. It hurts seeing you like this. You getting treated like such shit. While you're already inna crappy condition. Meanwhile I push my little fucking head in reminding you over and over again that I'm crazy in love with you. So strong, that it passes all but one ex of mine.

You mean so much it honestly scares me how easy you can change me. How often I just sit somewhere & think about you. About us. The scenarios in my head. To the point where I'll actually think they're real. To the point where I know I must be bugging you. And thats one thing I hate about me. I hate & love what you are to me..

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-) You, you just randomly come into my life and made it kinda better. While at the same time, screw me up a bit. Our games shouldn't mean shit but they do. You do. But you can't. Not after my past with where you are. I adore you & I feel so bad cause I know I'm probably leading you on. I don't want to, nor do I try. But I don't know whats going on anymore. I've lost all control, or the controller died. Its going hay wire and I'm only hoping someone will try enough to fix it. I'm hoping it's him, cause he is who I want more then anything. But really...I'm trying to hold on to whatever I have to make sure you don't. Cause you just can't. I want him, but you're good at finding loop holes. Find one and I'll just be gone..

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-) You are my BEST friend dude. You've done more for me then anyone ever even tried, let alone succeeded. I love you so fucking much, all the way to death and home again. There isn't anything I want more then to have you by my side as who you are & happy. Theres nothing I wouldn't do for you. I owe you my life, more then one of them, thats no lie. Thank you so much for everything and I'm sorry for any of my screw ups I've done to hurt you.

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-) Simply putting this, some people just diserve to go fall off a cliff into a hungry,angry unicorn shit filled infinite. And by some, I mean most.

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-) Hold on to your family, you really don't know when the next time you'll ever get to see or hear from them again is. Trust me when I say the saying is true, you don't what you have till its completly gone.

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-) You have been around for me since I was in 6th grade dude. And you've gone back and forth from being my brother to being a little bit more, only to go down again. But you can't blame me. You're another sorta-stable thing in my life and sometimes I question it. You say somethings, and I simply just can't truly believe them. Even if I want to, just cause I don't know when the next time I'll hear from you again is..

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-) You came into my life through one of my older friends, not expecting anything. She tells me a few things, and text you to see. And bang what do we got? A whole new level of friendship. Sure it might be kinda odd, but honestly it'll never be more cause I'm not like that. I've got some decent class & I'm glad. I don't care what she diserves, and I know she doesn't try, but I still care. Don't know why, but I do so you? You're just an amazing friend. Who would've thought that gingers had such sweet souls?

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-) I don't know what people expect. But whatever it might be there's only gonna be one guarentee. You will be dissappointed.

Stuffz to say I guess

1) Going to my grandmas house yesterday eventually made something click with me. Made me realize a lot actually. I'm 17. My moms 53. And my lovable grandma Jennie is nearly 90. Theres the same age difference between my mom & me, as there is between her mom & her. So theres that. And that my grandma won't always be here. Not much longer even from all the stuff she has, mainly in her mind. It's slipping quicker each time we see her...it's really upsetting. It was interesting originally but now it's bad. I love her. And when I one day have kids..they won't ever get to even see/meet her. And it's a shame. Anyone is lucky to meet her. Shes fucking amazingly adorable. A piece of work. Been here forever. Just like her sisters (the people I call my great aunts) Aunt Celia & Josie. <3 They're even older then she is..</3

2) My youngest brother out of the 3 has schizophrenia. Has since he was 18. He is now 33 almost. Well, this coming week he will be. But yea. And not much is really known bout it. Just that it's extremly difficult to tell the difference between reality & the fake world in their minds. The wires are differently connected in important parts of the mind pretty much. It could be extremly dangerous. In fact, a lot of people just can't handle it after awhile. Thus, I'm glad I still have Greg. But somethings deffinatly wrong. From just how I see/hear/talk to/about him, somethings wrong. I honestly think it's getting worse. Somethings have happened to back it up. He's safe but only if he keeps up with all the meds he is on. Specially seeing he's living with my other, middle brother&his family, across the street from me. So I'm starting to think there might soon be new issues with that...I'm just really hoping not. :\

3) When the sad day does come & my grandmother does pass away into heaven...that'll be pretty much my last time ever going back to the house. Mom has even said..she is the one reason we still go. We'll loose a lot of communication with anyone who would still live there. My cousin, aunt, multiple uncles, and both my great aunts & their son peter. =\ And even a bit with my oldest brother... >.< I hate it. But my grandma is the one person besides my mom & Aunt Donna, who have held peace with that side of my family. And seeing I live in Jersey & Aunt Donna in PA...it makes sense as to why..I just... don't know..

4) Okiee...when it comes to the whole me & Luvie situation...I'm perfectly freakin happy with it like this right now. It's unspoken a lot..kind of at least. But I don't know. It's complicated but wierdly enough, I'm fine with this. I have him & he has me. We've got eachother to back up & help out. He is so amazing I fucking swear. I'm really happy & lucky to have met him. I know it. (: He diserves so much better & more tho. I know this & I've told him many times. I love the dude a lot and he means a hella lot to me too. He's amazing, adorable, cute, funny, sweet, caring, compassionate, honest, helpful, an unbelievable friend...he is a lot. x3 I don't ever wanna lose him. Regardless of whatever me & him are, or even become, I'll always be there for him. Even if we just stay simple buddies. I'm happy with him. And if he's happy too, and I can still talk with him, I'm good. Believe me. ^-^ <3With Scruffy & him by my side, I'll be invinsible! xD

Dude, I'm sick of you. I'm sick of this. You'll say one thing, that you miss me & that you care. But really, actions speak a lot louder then words. Specially with people like you. And the problem is that I care. I care about you, how you are, what you're doing, the whole thing. When you inturn, care more about a slut & video games. Even you're dude best friend is sick of how ignorant you are now. Got grounded four times. And each time, you came back and at least tried talking. Now? The fourth time? What's so fucking different? We're fucking back to where we honestly started. Even worse. You treated me well up till recently. And I know it's not cause of me. You've changed and yet I'm still here. You've heard it a thousand something times, and you still, now, don't even show enough to give a shit. Great job. You're losing the one person who gave you honest faith. Fucker.

I don't even know what I wanna say here. Just something. Anything would be good. I get that I'm a fucking scew up but people can stop reminding me of that. Please. And if you wanna talk, I'm all ears. I'm here. But when aall you wanna do is shoot me down, don't bother. Please please don't. I'm fucking weak shit and I know it. Believe me I do. I have emotional bonds with people I really wish I never even met. Or talked to. Or even ever knew. People fucking suck, and I'm included in it. I get it. I'm sorry for the way I am. But you're not much fucking better. You know why I talk to some of the people I do? They're decent. I love them. They are actually nice & caring. I'm there for them, just as they are me. But with others? Just cause I'm fucking stupid and I can't let go of the damn past. Why? Cause people who once meant so much, I now mean nothing to. When, in my heart & mind, I meant what I've said. I still care. That's my issue. Ok? That good enough of a reason? I'm sorry I'm not some fucking perfect big titted chick. I'm sorry I'm no ugly barbie. I have a mind, which I try to speak when I can. Or when I think I should. But my heart is legittamtily always hurt. It's been like that for years with these people. And through life, it won't get better. I'm a openly caring person. And that alone screws me over more then90% of the time. I barely have an real confidence, and when I do, it's short lived. Not many people I know are real, and I know I may seem fake. But when I tell you something, I'm not saying it to hear myself. I'm saying it to YOU for a reason. I'm not like that. I don't just give to give. I give for reasons. And when I do, I wish it meant something to someone. I wish just one person would speak up. Really. Other then Scruffy. Who I owe the world to. But someone new. A new face is nice. Someone who isn't like those I've mentioned. Not an everday case. Someone who means what they say & are willing to prove it to me. I have a few in mind, but I doubt any will actually give enough effort. I've been cut down so many times. I even am being hurt as we speak. By someone...two people...I've told & meant that I loved them. What else is wrong with me? Someone wanna care? Someone? I hate being like this...but I had to type this out. I hate showing people what I really think. But here is most of it. I'm sorry to whoever reads this. This is near my worst. I'm weak pathetitic shit. And oh, a bitch now too. How great..

Stay in My Life....Ok?

Please...just do that much. Please just stay. There's just...peace in me when I'm talking with you. It'd be really nice if we could honestly just go back to what we were. But I know we can't. I know I can't. And better yet? I know you wouldn't...even if I wanted you to.

Ever want something...better yet...someone...you can't have? You know you're better off without...but want anyway? Badly? Even if they're far away? Yep. Hai there. </3

I wanna say I wanna love you.
But my emotions are un-evenly split
In more then two
So I'm really sorry
But I don't know what else
I can say
Or I could even do..
When all I want...
is you...

Complicated or not, here they are ^^

My friends:

Scruffy
Luvie
Dustin
Julie
Amanda
Casey
Tom
Billy
Jake
George
Jimmy
Dan
Joanna
Nicole M
Alex
Sammi
Brad
Justin M
J
Derek
Joe D
Emily H
Jennie
Shane
and theres a few others.

Ones close to my heart though?
Scruffy
Luvie
Tom
Julie
Casey
Joanna
Dustin
Amanda
J

Complicated?
Life.

Scruffy, I love you dude. Don't ever foget this.

Honestly, don't ever even try thinking otherwise. There isn't a doubt in my mind. Without you dude, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be who I am today, if it weren't for you. There aren't enough times, or time in general for me to thank you for everything you have ever done for me. And I know it's pretty much impossible. I don't care who else comes into my life bro, you've always got me. You are always my number one. You are always my favorite. I don't fucking care what others say, I know I love you. Always have & always will. You know this. Specially by now. No one could ever replace you. Let alone even come close. We've got to much of a great past. To much in eachother. You're an unbelievably amazing & unforgetable guy. I've never met anyone who could compare or match up. And I know I wont ever meet someone like you. Not to me. You're so special to me. You mean SO, so much. You're my bestest friend. You're my little brother. You are my a part of my prefered family, for life. I'm never gonna leave you Scruff. Even if you were to one day me. I'm always gonna have you in my heart. And my koi fish tattoo & countless gifts & all the words I tell you are proof. Even if the tattoo's a temp. It shows something. I've never said anything like to anyone but you & meant it. I wont ever lie to you. And I'm sorry for anytimes that I had in the past. Vin, you're my favorite human being. And that wont ever change. =]
I love you Scruff (:

Luvie :3

Dear Luvie,

I freakin' love you dude. ^^ You're an amazing person & guy all around. You mean a lot to me already too. Complete honesty. I've been talking to you for like a month now & I've thanked Amanda so many times. x3 I'm really glad & lucky to be this close with you. I know lifes not easy, and it's usually a pain in thee ass, but still. You diserve so much because of the kinda person you are. You're sweet, funny, caring, lovable, cute, adorable, awesome, and just so much. I'm not even sure if you see it all. I love the fact that I can actually tell you anything and not be judged. At all really, you just try to help me out where you can & make sure I'm okiee. Even with stuff as stupid as my Ex's & Dustin. Thank you so much babe. Really. <3 Please don't let other idiots get to you. You're truly amazing & don't ever forget that. Anyone who argues otherwise is jerk. ^-^ I mean it. I'll always be there for you babe, no matter what. If you ever need anything or anyone, you know I'm here. <3

~Love,
Donna(: