I'm just numb now, it's fine.

I know I've made my fair share of mistakes. Everyone in life has right? Everyone one day has to learn how to stand up for themselves. Cause if you don't, who will? I've been lucky enough to have Scruffy. He means the fucking world to me, and I'm sorry if thats just another mistaken foolish idea of mine. You havn't been there nearly as long as him, you really don't have a right to say who's my better friend. He's saved me enough times, helped me through some tough shit, and gotten me to where I am today. I wouldn't be here without him. I'm sorry if thats not your idea of a best friend.

Anywayz, yea. I'm not even mad bro. I'm just numb. I care, but it's just kinda...done. I don't know how to express how I'm feeling right now. The one time I actually try 'n stand up for myself, it screws an entire friendship up. I've felt like crap for days. It's been building for longer though. And honestly, that night, I just had enough. I know you may say it hasn't been a carnival ride. But look around. The one night you told me how much you felt for her. Without even mentioning me. I had to ask, and I did. I got up the courage, and did. You told me some of the sweetest shit anyones ever said, and I took it to heart. My bad. Two or so days later, she giult tripped you. You call me up while I'm out, telling me not to go on facebook and I was hurt, but out of giult, you "fixed" it. Thinking that'll fix everything else? After everything? Yea it's facebook. But think now. Bout what I've said. Within a lil over a week it went to all bout her, to me then you letting her win to just feel bad and go back after me. To what? "Fix" it for her the next day. And not have the courage to even talk to me much that day. Let me find out.

Now you can't blame me for my anger. I'm nobodys second. I was one for the fucking majority of my damn life. I'm sorry if I don't fit your usual, if you really did know how much everything has ever said to me, meant, you'd notice. But I'm honestly not gonna sit here and play on this see-saw. I'm really sick of it. It's been to long. I'm not doing this again. No. I diserve better. Love is strong. I get you got three girls on your mind. But out of them, who means most? Then comes your happiness. Which one makes you the happiest now? I can guess from last night.

I'm sorry that my best friend never really liked you much. Never really liked the idea. I'm sorry that just cause I actually know Amanda, thus how you & I started talking. But think of it for a second out of his perspective.

I'm not usually this kinda girl. The girl who lets herself get like this. He likes me happy, but not this kind. Cause I don't even know what this kind is. But ok, to him, you were a friend of mine. One I've never met. Or would even if anything, for a lil under a year. You were someone who just kinda entered my life randomly. Ok? A random 17 year old guy who had feelings for his best friend. And who I soon had feelings for too. I'm sorry that last time I had attempted a long distance deal, ended up with me being hurt badly. And it last long too. Scruffy knows this. He's protective. I'm sorry if that was an issue.

Then the night I told you everything through my anger? Yea, I'm not a big mouth regardless of what I call myself to anyone. I only told him pretty much. I'm sorry if he got pissed at how hurt I was. Because of who? Oh I wonder.

Now my dear, I'm really not mad. I'm just sick and sorry and tired of all this. I really do fucking care for you. But this all happened way to quick and I don't just wanna be seconds. The game had to end eventually. I'm just sorry I had to be the one to say it. The one time I actually stand up for myself, winds up with me here. Great.

I'll always be here for you, wheather you're mad at me or not. I really hope you don't hate my guts, but you wouldn't be the first. Or the last. Like I told you in the begining, there are many reasons for people to hate me. I'm me. There ya go. But look past how I've been now from everything, and what was I? What am I? I'm a complete fucking sweetheart. I've always tried my best to make sure you were happy. I've always cared since day 1. You can't really argue that. And I'm sorry if I'm too much, trust me I understand. But I will always remember you. I will always love you. You're on my mind mostly even throughout this fighting and w/e else you wanna call it. I care, more then most seem to. But I am sorry for ever hurting you. Just know, I meant every bit of what I've told you. The bad, along with every ounce of good.