Life isn't, or at least shouldn't be taken for granted. Not at all. I understand that lives are taken. I get that death is just a part of it. But before it comes, we gotta be who we are. Who we really are. Not who we're expected or "supposed" to be. There isn't enough time. And we can't possibly please everyone.

And you may deny it. You may say I'm out of my fucking mind. And I know I might be just that. But I don't think I am. I'm done being just another girl. I'm done being so insecure. Theres no reason for me to be the way I've been for years. Saying only the sweetest of things to everyone. Even if they didn't diserve it. At all. But not even cursing, or at least deeply trying not to, at anyone unless they just pushed me too far. I think It's time to change that. Thing is though, I just don't know if it's who I've become. Or if change would be the way to show myself who I actually am.

I've been the sweetheart to everyone. A pushover really. A naive little girl. I looked it too. Still do. But I'm not the same I was freshman year. I know better. I just, for some reason, havn't acted on it. I let my kindess overshadow all else. And I'm an amazing person, an amazing friend, to people who could truly give two shits about me. I'm such a dumbass, but only in that sense.

When it came to guys too, I've been the normal chick. Flirting my way into their hearts. Most hiding only what they really wanted. My damn pants. I'm not like that, so they found their ways out. Others, didn't and still don't know what they really need. Or what they want. So they stick to me, cause I've been to nice to say otherwise.

That wont happen anymore. I'm gonna be nice, but when it comes to a guy, their gonna have to do their own fair share. Make me know their interested in me. For something other then me being female. I'm pretty obvious from what I've been told when I like someone. So yea. I'm not gonna let it be one a one way street anymore.

And honestly, opening up to someone tonight would be amazing. When leaving NY today, as we drove, I looked at the apartments. The thoughts of the people who lived their, their kids, crossed my mind. Thought of how it must suck to be stuck with mostly the same people there. But how, if you wanted someone to show up at your window at night, if you needed an escape, it was actually more possible. The close quarters, and the fire escapes, made it possible. What it must be like for them, the teenagers there. Their get-a-ways, such an easy, or at least in my opinion, reach.

I'd like for someone to call or text or knock at my back door late at night, or early morning, wanting to just talk. I don't really know, but I'd love it more then most would. We'd just sit in the yard, and talk. About everything & anything we wanted. Deep conversations would start, and we'd just focus on eachother. Thats all. As we talk, nothing else would matter. For that time, it was just us. We could be ourselves. Ya know? It might sound stupid, but to me, it'd mean a hell of a lot. Always wanted that. Whether it was a one time, or a re-occuring one.

And also, now I really do know someone with Cancer. Now I get the big deal. Now I get the emotions that come when you find out someone you love has it. Now I get all of it. I really do. I might not get the full blow, but I get some. Seeing it's my favorite aunt on that side of my family, I can. I can learn it all now.

I love aunt Gina. I've loved her more then most people since I was really young. Some of my earliest memories of Jersey involve her. Whether it was her old house, her making me mac&cheese secretly, the sleepovers when I was five, or my old talks & preschool in her old town. Whether it was the singing holiday tree, or even the creepy fish. The cobblestone walk path in her old backyard. The bbq grill in the front right corner. The gate with the garbage on the side of the house where I used to hide in games of hide&seek. The layout of the old house. I miss it...I really do.

I can't even talk with anyone about it. No one. I would with Scruff, but I'd just end up rambiling. And probably breakdown crying like I'm about to just writing this all...I don't know. I just, I just care about him. I don't wanna worry or bug him with more of my annoyingly depressing new flashes. I'd really rather not. I mean, I want someone to talk to, but I don't wanna bug him. He's listened to me ramble the past few days. I wanna give him a break at least, let him talk. Let him stay happy. Him happy is all I care for. But like, I can't talk to my family about this. Dad doesn't even know I know she has even a possibilty of having cancer. Mom told me somewhere like a month ago. Said not to mention any of it. Not to worry him. I mean, the man has enough on his plate. Specially with me. I don't wanna do that to him. I may be his only daughter, and an apparent selffish bitch at times, but I wouldn't do that to him. He really has done so much for me. And I just...I just can't. Not to him. And mom thinks I can't handle anything. I'm still like maybe 12 in her mind. So I can't ask for more detail. I only know this much more cause of over-hearing my aunt yesterday. Joy.

I wanna just...talk with someone. And I've realized another thing. I've never been IN love with someone. Not yet at least. I've just LOVED them. They're different. I now know this. But honestly, I don't know what to think about much anymore. I'll tell you all that. Honestly. I know that I'm stopping going for what I can get, and going after what I actually diserve. But that person just hasn't come forth yet. I know a person I'd like to findout actually liked me, but unlike my books stories, it doesn't usually happen. Not like that. Not all people end up dating their best friends. Most of the time, at least. And with mine, I dont know. Don't think I havn't considered it. I have. More times then I could even try to count. For a few times too. But I just....I just wouldn't wanna wreck our friendship. And regardless, I doubt he's into me. At least, in that sense. He was once, doesn't mean he still would/could be. I wanna keep my best friend. I wanna keep my little brother. Not fall into the daily catergory. I'm not like that. I wish to say that I'm not normal, but I really don't know if I can answer that anymore. I just, I wanna make sure the one stable person, the only stable thing, in my life stays. I'm not letting him go. Never will. I think I've gotten that across by now.

I'm letting down my wall. Talk with me now. You'll get the real/new me. Guarenteed.