I just wish I could get over you..

You...You're so much to me. When I know you lie through your teeth when you say you care about me. I wish I was more, just for you. But I know I'm not. God fucking dammit you just don't seem to get it. Coming into my life whenever it happens to work for you? Things don't work that way. Never really have. But you just seem to be completly ignorant. And I can't believe you. I fucking care. And I wish sometimes, I never did. I wonder what my life would be like now without you have ever entering it. It's something I thought I'd never say about ANYONE. And look whats happened. I have so many better guys in my life. I've had so many. But what do I do? I fuck up and chose the worst ones. Why? I wish I knew. Like my friend had told me last night, I've changed. Yes. That's true now. But not so much into what I wanna say that I am. I know I'm not done yet but still. It'd just be nice to actually mean it when I tell people "I dont care." I want it to be true SO badly. You just dont see it. How could you anyway? You're never fucking around anymore. You're only here if there's something in it for you. What I was to blind to notice was you distancing yourself before hand. And now look at me. I've "fallen" for a guy I don't want. One that treats me, honestly, like shit unless he knows I'll help him out with his crap. He knows I care and he fucking takes that for granted. And it fucking sucks cause I can't get over it enough to actually not be there. I just can't. No matter what. I feel like shit if Im not helping, but I feel abused in a sense, when I am. What the fuck? I wouldn't ever take you back but it'd be nice to at least have you, ya know....answer me? Ever? You're not even fucking grounded. You're not in juve or whatever. You're fucking crap now dude. You're NOT stupid, you just act it. You're honestly a follower. But I guess, in a sense, it's kinda my fault. I should've left sooner. And neither of us would have to deal with this crap anymore. Not much at least. I love you like any of my closest friends. Even if all I have left of you are shadows of when you cared, and or the self-absorbed jackass you are when you feel like coming back to me for fucking help with YOUR issues. I wanna say I'm done. I wanna just not have you entering my life at pleasure of your choice only. But I can't. You're a fucking big ass secret of mine too. Ya know that? No one knows this about me. Not till now. And only if they guess from reading this would they ever know. I don't know what to do. I'm getting hurt here. But it's okiee. I'm never telling you any of this. So why should or could you ever care? Right?