Why...why...and simply why...

Last night was the start of Halloween week. It's a time for scary movies, lots and lots of candy, costumes, blood and all the nightmares to come real. And I think that is exactly happening...

Yesterday was Joanna's Halloween pumpkin carving party. A few people went. And I, as usual had been texting Dustin since we both woke up earlier that day. I had told Joanna the night before the party I would show her some of our texts. Cause their just to freakin' adorable.


So I showed her some messages before anyone else got there. And she started texting him from my phone saying how cute we we're and how "we're so in love" and everything. And he was really happy. But I took my phone back and had apologized. Later on, and I mean hours later, Joanna, I and everyone were at Duck Park by her house. And she saw we were still texting. She kept saying we're dating. I asked her to simply explain her logic and she told me. It made a lot of sense. But thing I wasn't so happy or anxious about...was telling Scruffy.

I had liked Dustin for a few days, and he's liked me since the begining pretty much. Within the first two weeks he said. So we kinda ended up asking the other out in the time me and everyone were at the park. I'm, even now, not sure what the fuck to do. Cause, I do really like him. But I'm making everything worse between me and Scruffy. And he absolutely, without a doubt in my mind, means the fucking world to me. If he isn't happy, I'm not. At all. I owe him my life by now and I honestly mean that. He is my best friend and family. If me, not dating Dustin, makes things better, then...I'll do it. Sure, it'd be really hard...but I would.

Scruffy and Dustin are talking after school today about this and me and everything going on...and if Dustin screws up once...Scruffy will snap. And I do mean it. I would call him right after I get outta school...but I have a half day. They get out at 2:20 I believe. I told Scruffy to call me right after school. And I'll remember when Dustin text's me after he gets out. Which is right before Scruffy.

People with mental problems are STILL people.

Okie. Let me just say this now. For whoever is reading this, I do have to trust you. The youngest of my older brothers is, in fact, a schizophrenik. So I do know what I'm talking about when I say this. I've had first hand experience. Even a few of my close friends happen to suffer from other kinds of mental problems.

Let me tell you that I can not fucking stand the fucking ignorance of people today and in general. You may not exactly be like this but I'm talking as a whole.

When you run into someone who has any kind of mental issue or handicap to them, you don't walk away as if it's nothing. But you don't stand there, pointing (or even pretending to in some cases) to make them feel like an outcast. Just like most people, they aren't attention hogs, nor do they want to be. Their just like everyone else. They do have feelings you know.

I know I must sound like a fucking teacher or counserlour or something, but what I'm saying is so beyond true. And I'm sick of seeing all this happen.

One of my best friends, along with my own brother, have delt with SO much crap from people. In fact, my friend has to be HOME SCHOOLED because of a damn fucking breakdown caused by people he thought we're nice or even some friends.

So let me say this, if I EVER hear someone, wheather I know them or not, making fun of, joking around, or anything like that, about/to someone handicaped or menally ill, I will slap them. And tell them to knock it off or their painfully regret it. You might think I don't mean it. But I can sure as hell say you've never seen the worst of my temper.

Who could've thought I'd hold this composer for so long..

I can't stand my parents really. Specially with everything going on. And the shit in my own fucking mind.

 

I just can't everyones fucking bull crap. They dont know SHIT bout me or how my teachers are to me or any fucking thing and its all my fault right? Everyones fucking problems are my fault?
Oh and apparently my cousin is in jail. But I cant know why, how long, where or when he went or anything. Why? Cause they dont feel like fucking saying shit.

Oh and I cant hangout with James ever. Why? Mom doesnt like him. Why? Cause he has mental issues. Why? Apparently my fault.

Why is my photo project late? Cause I tried 3 times and it didnt expose right. Why havnt I tried again? Cause it has to be nice out AND not half a day. Why isnt handed in already? BECAUSE ITS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT!

I just cant keep doing this..

Baby Baby Blue Eyes Stay With Me By My Side

"I drive her home when she can't stand,
I like to think I'm a better man
For not lettin' her do what she's been, known to do.
She wears heels and she always falls,
Don't let her think she's a know-it-all.
But whatever she does wrong, it seems so right.
My eyes don't believe her,
But my heart, swears by her."
-Baby Blue Eyes : A Rocket To The Moon<3

I've been drawing.
I've been writing.
I just don't know whats going on. My mind wanders more then ever. And I'll think one thing & do the complelt and utter opposite. I don't want to think about things, but those are the only things in my mind. I've made some of the stupidest decisions and I've been acting wierder then normal. Some of my drawings have been kinda scaring me. Also, I seem to have OCD? What the fuckkkkkk. >.<

Even with Dustin&Scruffy by my side constantly, I still can't get my mood up any. I'm faking myself to everyone now and I fucking hate it. I want to be the go-with-the-flow girl I was earlier >.<

I'm honestly really scared. My minds going places it simply shouldn't. My angers getting the better of me. And I flirt way to fucking much. I don't want to know where this is heading..

I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows their composure...

"Dammit Freddie."
"No. Off."
"Shut up Freddie."
"Freddie I swear to god"
"Fucking cat get off."
Was it all a dream? Or was I really waking up every 10 minutes to Freddie on my lap biting me. I have no bite marks or scratches. So I honestly can't tell you. But I woke up before I actually got up. Somethings simply not right about today....

 So yea, thats how/what I had woken up too. And mom repeatedly screaming at me to get up & eat. Also noting the fact I was on the phone until 12:30-1 with Joe....fun. He's become more suicidal then ever. He actually tried. He hung head phones from the shower but they had snapped before doing any damage... =\
I honestly don't really care, but in some odd way I do all the way in the back of my mind. Like, I don't like him personally at all. But he shouldn't go an kill himself. And he's been missing school and cutting again.....-.-'
He said he didn't have to keep his promise to me cause I had broken my promise of always being with him. Sorry but times change and thats no accuse for you to be a fucking baby. And don't pull the "it's how I am and you know I can't change it. You of all people taught me that." Personality speaking, thats bull crap. Cutting & Killing yourself isn't natural. At all. It's a state of mind. Mind doesn't always equal personality. Get over yourself.

Other then that, school has been normal mostly. Menake let me skip the test today cause I wasn't in school Friday and the class tricked her into letting them take it today (Tuesday). So I got time to chill & write Noreen her note :3

Im not afriad.

"I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road"
-I'm Not Afriad - Eminem

These past couple of days have been interesting. Hanging out with mainly George & Jake still. Becoming kinda closer with Anthony. Talking to Darien a lot more again. Phone with Scruffy every night is once again a routine. And Joe finally is leaving me alone (mainly cause he deleted my number last night cause I still don't wanna talk to him and he got the hint into his head finally.) But yea. =] Things are goin' well.

Today was the poetry dodge festival thing for Literary Club's field trip. I was kind of the odd one out when it came to "Groups of 6" but We had 8 in our group seeing that Mike was the other odd one out.

I got 4 friendship braclets and their fucking epic. I really do love them. And I thought of Jake when I was buying the 2nd pair of them later on... :3 I wasn't sure if he'd want one though. I was going to the mall with him & George after we got back to school so I thought I'd get them for myself just incase he wouldn't take it later.

When we got back, me, George & Jake took the bus to his house & then mine. Dropped off our stuff & I got to change. (Funnnn..-sigh-) And we got a ride for George's dad. =] After awhile. Jake started to say I was looking bored and started putting his arm around me and poking me and staying by me and it made me feel really special. ^-^ Sorry if that's sad but it's true. Very..very true... :3

When we eventually got to the food court, Jake shared his meal with me and then got me one. =] And I took off one of the friendship braclets & grabbed his arm and tied it on. He was like "What the fuckkkkk? Why?" at first but then like 5 minutes later said he really loved it. ^-^ I was like :D lmaoo :P

And yea. We took thee bus home at like 7:30 and George went home & I decided to walk Jake up to the walk bridge thing. It was fucking DARK out. Neither of us could see anything. At all. And my phone & Ipod did like nothing to help that. -.- But yea. :3 He put his arm around me again. And we walked and I asked why we were like that and he said it was comfy and really nice. Im like yea and agreed happily. We got to the bridge and hugged (nothing new) And idk. It was just, really really nice this time. I could've sworn that we almost kissed at one point. >.> But nothing happened.

You're a hearltess bitch.

It's fun to have that to wake up to isn't it? It's perfect thing to wake up to, especially when it's by someone who supposedly says they love you. And then find out the person you have known to gone on rant after rant, go a whole night drunk off of his fucking ass, and above all, blaming you.
It's such a perfect world ain't it?

Well how about this. Fuck off and let me curse you out. Or leave me the hell alone. Give him that choice and see what he says. And either way. Leave. You don't have to deal with anyone like that especially when you have enough on your plate and mind as it is.
Fuck them.

And now your truly happier without the said person. You've got great friends, good friends and time to relax and not worry that something you say or do can be complained about by anyone you believe to matter.

You're also probably starting to think you like another person. But honestly hun, it's too early. Give yourself time. And I know this has gone through your head already but it's true. You don't wanna go through with any possible scenario's that have gone through your head just yet, if ever. You might possibly majorly regret it later on. And who knows, the person your thinking about, could become a best friend while your best friend now becomes the person of your dreams.

Let time be the decider. Not your mind.

My favorite color in the alphabet is 4

It's the first day of October and things are already starting to look brighter. Sure, last night wasn't the best cause of the break up (yes....again...) But hey. It was gonna happen eventually right? I even got to talk to Scruffy =] And I became better friends with my freshman Anthony. He's now my secondary note buddy. Darien's always gonna be the first and main one for thee year though. Cause, well, he's Darien. ^_^

 Jake & George are already saying I like different people. It's actually kind of funny. But I honestly don't like anyone. Nothing more then either cool or a good friend at least. None of that "oh he's cute" shit for a long time hopefully. I'd just rather not deal with that crap. I like being able to do shit on my own. [=

 Oh, and note to self, Don't go to red Lobster anytime soon. I don't like nor can eat any seafood. And plus, the only good part of it was the weather & fries with Caesar dressing. xD

Narwhals Narwhals

Today isn't so bad. Me & Joe are back to being ok. At least for now. And I'm focusing on cheering up myself & Darien. Cause Darien's not use to this kind of stress like I am. So I'm taking him out of the equation so I can handle stuff and he can relax. Cause as of now, we have both officially disowned Blake. We don't want anything to do with the kid anymore. And me & TJ aren't exactly with friends but we don't completely hate each other like we have over the years.
Me, Jake & George are all gonna be having a Super Smash Bro's Brawl competetion today at my house too. Overall today, seems like it's actually gonna stay a good day. =]

Things can't get much worse..

Today, of all days, is mine & Joe's 8 month anniversary. And it fucking just sucks. It's horrible weather out, and has been for over a day now. But of course, Trautz makes us run the track. To NO surprise by any of us, it started to randomly pour durring my fourth lap. But no. She couldn't wait right? And I was having a minor panic attack too cause of everything going on lately and the fact of me actually trying to run. So we got inside eventually after having Joanna open the door for us outside the Gris. To what seemed to be a fucking heated (of all things) locker room. That was just peachy.
 Then Trautz & Julie got into a really bad fight/argument when we were all in the locker room too. Trautz, of all days or things to say to Julie, told her none of her laps counted and that she would only be marked down for one. Julie was already in a bad mood and talked back to her. And Trautz HAD TO say "Well you can slit my throat." So that ended up with Julie having a major, and I mean MAJOR, mental breakdown. I walked with her to her math cause I simply only had lunch & went with her to the bathroom so she wouldn't be alone and she could calm down quicker.
 Oh and I still have the whole Blake vs. TJ thing going on. And seeing TJ's in my gym, me & Joanna figured we'd try talking to him about it cause Blake's going to guidance himself today sometime. (I really hope for his own sake that he does..) But no. TJ had to argue with us still right? Yep cause he is SO cool and thinks he is fucking god. It's fucking god dammed annoying.
 And of all people to be taking this so hard, it's Darien. I'm really really worried bout him too. He's a sweet fucking kid and has a heart so big, I really wish I had his kind of mentality. He gave me the usual note after first period. And it really showed me how bad he's taking everything...he had anger tears at one point. And that's nothing like his usual self. At all... So I wrote him a note too. But haven't seen him since then. I even went to the Piano room for a bit durring the beginning of fourth. Joanna told me in the locker room before gym that he actually went to lunch. That alone proves somethings up...

Simply Really...9/27/10

Today my anger is almost at it's worst. TJ (little one) is going to tell guidance. And of all people he decides to tell them about that he knows, it's Blake. Not just bout the cutting but about being fucking suicidal. And the only reason he's doing it is cause Blake & Melissa like each other and he has to be the jealous prick.
 Darien's anger, for now, is a lot worse then mine. That's REALLY not good. If TJ does tell, there is going to be hell to pay. A lot of it too. Gym is gonna be fun...

Wtf...

 Today is just fucking depressing & a big pain in the damn ass. Honestly.
Me & Joe got into a big fight last night (oh how surprising....) and he told me that he had lied to me last week when we broke up. He said he isn't (well wasn't...) failing any classes till the past day or so. Which honestly isn't even my fucking fault. Cause I cant help cheer up someone who is only happy when we do "stuff" So fuck it.
 Then he tells me that he had planned it in a week in advance. The break up that is. I'm not gonna lie and say I didn't make up scenarios in my head. But I never fucking did them. Nor would I have knowing how I am. I actually might though now cause I'm sick of this bullshit.
 Even Scruffy agrees with me. I've showed him a few AIM convo's me & Joe have had recently. Not all and not many. But some. And only the ones I couldn't deal with myself. And he really doesn't like Joe. He's a god damn baby. And I actually do, to a certain degree, agree with Scruffy. I can't do anything myself cause then he ALWAYS goes into this fucking depressive state of his and breaks the promise he made me & Ashley that he wouldn't cut. And then reminds me the fact that he is still a suicidal kind of person. It's like. Im fucking trapped. And I can't fucking stand it. -_-'
And he left school early today apparently cause he says he was crying in first period. I look at that and my first thought is, "and I'm not about to? I've been fucking tearing & shivering since the damn alarm clock this morning." So it's like, I dont even know what to do. He STILL wants me to go to the mall with him and ONLY him after school. And I'd really rather go home, shower & sleep. I don't want to go at ALL at this point. I really, really don't. I'm just done I guess. But I do know that today is just gonna fucking end in damn disappointment. And I'd rather be on my own or talking to Dustin, Darien, Jake & Scruffy......

And then at lunch I find out that Jimmy is saying stupid shit behind my fucking back to. And I'm already annoyed enough at the damn kid. I help him out when and where I can and he apparently cant do anything back now that he is in high school? Bull shit. Yesterday, Me, Jake, George & Him went to the park, George's, my place & to get pizza down the street. The entire damn time he was telling George "secretly" that I apparently act SO superior with him and everyone. Which is a complete load of drama bs. And then today, George says that Jimmy went on a rant about me last night on facebook and that I'm so cool and superior and that me & Jake make a great couple and we should date. He has NO fucking right to talk. At all. I technically  have a boyfriends and it's like. Jimmy. SHUT THE FUCK UP. As if we both don't have our own god damn problems. Either listen and be a good friend. Or stop talking shit and say it to my OWN face.

Pudding Cup

Today isn't as weird as yesterday, but not too far off either. I've been either completely zoned out or extremely fidgety all day. I'm honestly annoying myself at this point.
 Billy & Matt decided to skip school. They think their such cool shit. It's actually really funny. But at the same time, really disappointing. I love Billy and all but he can't keep doing this for his own sake. I have half a mind to get Giuseppe to go and tell Tay bout this all.
 And as for the college meeting, it wasn't so bad. It was actually really nice. Berkley is a really good school, and it's close by. It's right behind Jake's place. And there's dorms and everything right there. Thing is though, it just doesn't sound right for me. But I will keep it an option. Cause like I said, it's a great school.
 I'd really like if I could do an outta state college though soon enough. Maybe not the first year or two. But I really want to. And I told my mom I dont think Im going to Berkely and she said it's ok seeing it's a buisness kinda place anyway. Not really made for soon-to-be-veternarians. But she also said I can't go to college AT ALL in Florida :( Thats bullshit. She said its crap. Its like.....GAH.
 All in all. Today was ok. Jimmy really did piss me off though. He kept messing with me & Jake and then apparently is telling George this bull crap that I act "superior" towards everyone all the god dam time. Bull crap Jimmy. How bout you shut your fucking mouth and say it to my face? Really now. He has to learn when to stop. He isn't always so funny. Even George got fed up at one point.

Sit Up Straight Donna

 Today's just kinda wierd. Woke up extremly dizzy and for whatever reason, pissed off. And not even just slightly, I was majorly pissed. I guess it's kind of cause of the whole Matt thing. But I don't really know anymore. And thing is, I barely remember last night too. I know as much as I fell asleep on Scruffy when we were on the phone. Awoke to it being 11:30 and he had hung up already. Then I got a shit load of texts cause my phone enjoys making me annoyed at it. Whenever it wants, if I'm on thee phone, it wont let me recieve any texts. But not all the time. And I cant still send messages. So fuck it.

 And then with today, I literally stumbled my way, late, out of the house. That was fun. And while waiting for my bus, of course Matt came early. And for whatever reason it may be, I couldn't stand it. He was there and I felt like I was gonna loose it. If I heard one thing come out of his god damn mouth, I would snap. And he'd become my punching bag for all of my anger with the crap going on. It wouldn't have ended well...

 So I decided to waste my time and get Melissa and talk to George & Billy. But anyway, Darien gave me his Pikachu sweatshirt after first period. It made my fucking day. No joke. I'm such a damn nerd for Pokemon, it isn't even funny at this point. And I got this paper pass thing for a college conference with Berkley College for 9:00am. But of course, along with some other kids in my classes, didn't read the date it was made for. So we went to Camp Bell hall and waited to just be told it's for tomorrow. That would happen to me right?

 I'm going over to George's today. Doing homework together. Oh yea & note to self, Jeremy likes you. -_-'

Bunnies Make Puppies Sick While Eating Fresh Pudding

 As of today, Austin's back in the picture & Blake is bullshitting me and Darien while trying to play the innocent act. I haven't heard from Nicole in a few days. Dan's keeping his distance for whatever reason.
 Me, Jake, George & Jimmy are now a pretty tight knit group. Specially when it comes to me & Jake.Him & maybe even Jimmy are coming over my place today after school.
Everything's just kind of a "What The Fuck Is Happening" sort of moments. Really now. It's god damn annoying. Oh, and to top it all off, my back issues are getting worse. Apparently, my scoliosis is getting worse and it's leaning more and more to my right. If it gets much worse, I will need surgery or extreme work outs..

My Friends. They're mine

Ok seeing as to the fact I've made an entire long blog about Vin, I figured I'd do a shorter one for everyone else I care deeply about.

Darien: A huggable, caring, overly freakin' hyperactive best friend of mine. He is one of thee best. He is always there to listen to whats currently going on in my life or anyone else he cares for. He says he's cold inside but I don't see it. Really. He is one of the most careing people I've ever met yet. Seriously. Together we're some of the fucking wierdest people ever seen&heard but at the same time. We're some of the most protective over people we care about. We've been friends for years now and times may have gotten a bit harder but we've gotten way closer. And I couldn't be happier or thank him enough.

Jake: Sure he's one of my newest best friends. But he's already up there on my list. Yea, he's odd. But aren't we all really? We all have our own past and our own tastes. No reason to judge. He's a really sweet, funny as shit kid. And pretty adorable if you ask me. But hey, might be a reason I'm called wierd. :P He's a great friend already and I'm really glad to call him my freshman.

Joe: My love. :) He's a compasionate, caring, sweet and above all nerdy kid at heart. Though he is older then pretty much any friend of mine, he is one of the more childish if he's in a good enough mood. :P He's also one the the smart friends of mine. But mainly when it comes to history. Scruffy is at the top but he is second on the history fanatic lists. Them & My dad. But thats another story.

Casey: She is now and forever my sissis. She is the best friend of mine who's a girl. She's pretty much the smarter, prettier, nicer form of myself I'd like to say. She has amazing taste when it comes to music. And she doesn't ditch anyone. She tries her hardest and has delt with a lot. Even if people don't tend to realize it. She has one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen in someone. And her's is prettty open for people who treat her right. But don't get me wrong. I don't suggest messing with her. One reason being is she's extremly tough. But secondly, you got me to deal with.

Monica: The, above all, brightest & toughest chick I've ever had the luck to meet. Sure our friendship started with a few pixie stix and it's had it's ups & downs. But what true friendship doesn't these days? I can trully see her being one of the most successful people and one of the brightest as long as she trys. Especially seeing that she is a proud & happy NerdFighter! She's a very interesting, fun, entertaining person to talk to in general. And great, and I mean GREAT at giving advice when you trully need some. :)

There's only one person I will ever truly listen to.

Ok, I know I don't have the best attention span. I'm not perfect and Im proud to say Im no where near. I have a bad attitude with the wrong people. I give second chances way to easily. My looks pretty much suck. And I have horrible self confidence if that isnt already obvious enough. I'm not the brightest person I know of. And I wont try to be. I am way to over-protective with people that dont usually care bout me like I do them. My emotions tend to take control of me. I have a major guilt concsience that usually makes me apologize for stuff that isn't even my fault. Ive gotten myself inviolved in so much stupid drama it isn't even funny. And theres a lot that goes through my mind that might scare or worry anyone else who understood it.

But even with all of that. I am still myself. Nothing more or less then inperfect. And I have a few good people that except me for that. Mainly 1 person though being fully honest here. And that person is my friend Vin. (Aka: Scruffy)

Scruffy & I have been friends since his 5th grade year and my 7th grade year back when we both went to Memorial. Though back then, I was better friends with this one girl Em, We've been friends for a good, long time. I'm so glad I chose him over her. I would've hated myself to this day if I hadn't. And I would probably be more of a wreck then I already am.

He is honest to god. Thee best person I've ever had the luck to know. Ever. He has been through more then I have. And It's made him a better man. Even if he, himself doesn't see/think it. He is honestly, wise. And, as I already tell him. I think of him as a "girl magnet" and I strongly believe that. He is independant, Adorable, Funny and Sweet.

He is always there for when you need him and he means what he says, Unless he is kidding around, which I've come to know, is just how he is. And it comes majorly in handy when your in a shitty mood. Cause he is always able to cheer me up. If I need help, he gives me the best advice he can. And then we talk & joke around untill I forget why I was ever upset. :)

In conclusion, he is my best friend and I see him, as I have for year now and I always will. As family. I don't think I could ever, and I mean ever, find someone even close to as important as he is too me. And I might simply sound as Im being nice. But I meant everything I've said.

Thank you for reading this and I hope you have a good day.

9/20/10

With Me & Joe back together, I guess everythings back to normal. But I don't exactly like that. At all actually. I'm pretty much kicked out of Dan & Nicole's little group thing. And Blake's becoming a major issue. Plus, to be honest here, Joe's kinda a bother with stuff when it comes to being in a relationship. I'm not at the same speed as him and its a problem.
 Me & Jake have become really close now too. Honestly. Jake & Darien are my closest friends when it comes to being in my state. Otherwise, it's Scruffy. Even Dustin to a certain degree now too lately. Even though, with Dustin, it's a wierd friendship. He..has two sides to him. And it's because of that, that him & Scruffy aren't as close friends as they were say, last year.
 I also wanna say that my personal style seems to be changing. Im now wearing every single one of my animal, peace, star and hairband braclets. I guess you can say its not good cause it might make some people think I cut. But, honestly, I dont care. If they truly know me, they know I wouldn't stoop to that. Ever. And plus. I take them all off in gym and occasionally durring certain classes. I just like the look really. Its nice. Thoug, it makes me wonder what my personal self is gonna be like by the end of this year. Im not exactly sure if I should worry either..

9/17/10

And now with Me & Joe breaking up, it's like a big slap in the face. A wake up call. Im noty like, depressed, but of course Im upset. Idk. Its just a lot. For now & a long time, I'm sticking to my freshman and Casey & Darien. They dont cause any problems for themselves or me.

9/16/10

Is it sad to say I now trully do hate most people in my grade and that I'd rather be with my freshman along with Casey & Darien? Theres simply to much bullshit drama. People I never thought would go down a dark road have. They've changed for the worst and Im sick of it. Sorry if its mean to say. But I honestly am. I've tried to help them out. But its done nothing but blow up in my god damn face. If their not willing to help themselves out who could change them? They shouldnt bring themselves down just because of others. All they'll do is regret everything later on. Im just not gonna sit there, helpless, and take it. I'm done.