"Kind Stranger"-Me (July 30)

Oh please newcome stranger
You must be so naive
To becomes such good friends with me
For you see
Im nothing more then myself
And it might sound a good idea
And I have been told to be some good news
But inside Im not who people think to be
Im not so nice

So please kind stranger
Dont get yourself to close
I dont wish to hurt you
Or the people around you
The people I know
And the ones I actually like
May not be the best idea
For you are to nice for them

My groups dont mix
But niether do I
My friends fight
But Im usually involved
They hold grudges
And I hold one
But you have to know
Im not what people see

Im a mess on the inside
Nothing more then a clash
Of emotion and the real world
Opening up its doors to me
As days come and go
And I dont want you to also be caught
In its revolving door
Not when Im usually put to blame

You kind stranger are something else
I've met many a person
But not quite like yourself
What makes you this way
The words you say
And things you do
You have a cause

But as for myself
Im not as lucky
Experiences change people
Normally for the better
What happened there
Are we so much alike
Or just that much different
That there is something
That makes us newfound friends

I use to judge
I use to be mean
And I wasnt the brightest
You were smart
Hardworking
And quiet
So how does now make this different
What has happened

I simply just dont want to hurt you
Like I have many before you
I hate one person
And I love another
But kind stranger
I just don't want to hurt you
Like many before

"The Right Thing"-Me (July 25)

I feel bored
And I feel sad
Why must everything look so bad?

All we see
And all we do
Must everything be so blue?

I just want to climb
Or maybe even fly
To someplace far, far away

It could be to the moon
Or possibly even the sun
Wheather it'd be me or you

What could we ever do?

Just sit back to watch time fly
Or run ourselfs over trying to catch
Something that wishes to rush

Time doesn't ever stop
But neither should we
Cause all we ever need

Is right where we need it to be

"Runaway"-Me (July 24)

Mommy
Mommy
Why must we hide?
For the world maybe cold
But our hearts are warm

Daddy
Daddy
Please can we stay?
I would so like to not run away
I do not like change

Daughter
Daughter
Its ok
Mommy is here for you to say
And she is here to stay

Daughter
Daughter
You may say
To not run away
It is perfectly ok

See everyone
The world is open
And its arms are wide
It might not say
Welcome and you can stay

But why should we all just runaway?
We can still live as one
In a world built for none
We should be here till we may say
Its time for us to go

We may not know when
And we may not know how
But when that day does so much as come
Then we must obey
Cause we weren't meant to stay too long

"Possibly Me"-Me (July 24)

You look at me
You look at me
Please tell me what you see?
Am I just a figure to you
A hollow shell of nothing but metal?
Or something more
More then you can possibly go for?
Oh please please tell me
What you possibly can see in me

All I can see lately
Is my mistaken reflection in the mirror
And a girl wishing to be herself
It's not so much fun
When the world around you screams and yells

All people do these days is judge and tell
The world what a horrible person eachother are
Sure it's the life we must live
But why spread such disgust around us

We may fight
And we may thrive
Or so shall we die one day
We're all bound to eventually
So why not take a simple moment to hear me out?
It's not really a waste of such precious time

This is for the people who can hear me
And have helped me get to where I am
For all of you
Yes, even you
Have got me to the point
Of realizing the world isn't so nice
But there are people within in our lifes that make it better

So I wish to say on this ordinary day
That I want to thank you
For everything you've done
And will hopefully continue to do

Thank you. <3

"Un-Named"-Me (Aug.25)

Come close
And tell me
What you could possibly see
In a person such as me

Is it a simple fairytale
Or a gruesome nightmare
In the midst of darkness

For you see
Everyone has their own story
Whether they tell it
Or the try hiding it

Everyone has one
And everyone
See's things just a little different

For if we all saw something the same
It wouldn't have any mystery in it
And without mystery
The world would be
A much sadder,

Depressing place
For each
And everyone of us

Life would be ordinary
And very dull
No point in living
If you already know the ending
And how it happens

So why do we all just sit around
Watching others have fun?

Why can't we
Have our own fun

Sure we are all different
That part is for sure
But what exactly makes the term "wierd"

Who once made a real rule
Saying that "Normal" was the only way
That anyone could be considered "cool"

How about this
We all do our own thing
And enjoy it

Forget the world
And be who we are

Now
Go
And live life
You won't trully regret something
Unless you've experienced it first

Free-handed Poem -Me (October 9)

 I dont know whats in my own head
All these lyrics
All these thoughts
Theyre all just coming to me
What to say
What to do
And how to be
How i should act
All these things
All these ways
How is one supposed to know
Where to start
And where to go
Where to end
And how far
Till theyll simply all just fall
I dont know what im going to do
How im going to do it
Or when
But all i do know
Is that im going to be me
Wheather thats right
Or im nothing but wrong
Im sorry but i just cant
Be who you want
And who you crave
Im nothing like you think
And surely not what you see
So can you do me a favor
And simply leave
I need to be me
I need some space
I wanna move on
But your problems arent helping
Their making my mind a wreck
More then it was
At the start
I really did care
But you pushed me away
So what you expect me to say
I just cant do anymore
Im not gonna say go away
But i wont let you stay
I need to be who i am
And who i want
I need time
And i need a break
I think im starting to move on
But my minds a mess
And guess what
This time
Ill be the one to fix it

"Life"-Me (October 6)

So I see things clearly now
These times,
They're back once more
What will they bring us now?
Cause looking back
Time is but a record
Either click play
Or let it stay
But there is not rewind
And Im perfectly fine with that
No time for regrets
No time to forget
But theres time to move on
And let life be what it wants to
Cause really
What else could it be?
We don't have any real control over it
Only us
And our minds
Even that
That is minor
Somethings will still happen
And everything will change
But look at it this way
Without change
There is no sense in reality
Cause everything
And anything
Would be ordinary

"A Poem"-Me (November 4)

Look at me
And listen for a moment
I think we have all come to this
At one point or another
But the fact simply is
Life isn't what most make it out to be
It's a constant challenge.
One where people can lose
And lose badly
Their are no winners
Because we're all destined to the same fate.
But yet
We continue these little sharades
And games
Our minds...
Aren't what they once were
All the innocence...
It's all gone
Why do we continusly let ourselfs
Be tricked and fooled by the same old routines
Nothing stays for long
Nothing is permanent
Things change
And I'm pretty sure that by now,
We all hate that extremly
Well this is what I have to say..
Forget it.
Cause now,
I'm awake.
I'm me.
And nothings going to change the one person I trust
He knows who he is
And it's going to stay that way
I have good friends by my side sure
But he's my best.
I'm done living up to what people expect
So with this I say to you
I'm done.

"Forever Gone"-Me (November 28)

Let me just begin with saying
I have changed
That part was true
But apparently
Not much else was
You left me
But I get all the blame
In your eyes
And even your pathetic mind
I can't believe
Or think back to anything
Good I saw in a person like you
You've lied through your teeth
You've lied through your promises
And you played with my emotions
I trusted you
And it's because I did
That the truth eventually came out
Was I honestly a puppet?
Why did I keep it up?
I played your little games
I listened and believe everything you said
Sure we had our ups & downs
But in the end
At that time anyway,
We always went back to ok
But count up those times
I shouldve woke up sooner
A lot sooner
I can't believe how naive I was
To even get close to a person
You now show yourself to be
Hypocrtical
Lying
Depressing
Attention Seeking
Clueless
Fake.
I can't believe I finally woke up
Even with your apologizes
Which were simply skin deep
No emotion behind them
You really should go into acting
Cause you'd be perfect
A great preformance
But nothing else but a preformance
I hope you fucking know
You've replaced the one person I hate
Yea, congradulations
I'm forever gone.

I've Told You...

After last night, I've told you it all.
All of my emotions
All of my distress
Even with help from everyone else
I still can't completly let you go
You've caused me so much crap
So much stress
Your the reason
I can get so upset
So depressed.
I want to say I don't care what you say
About me
To me
Or for me even
But I can't
Not without lying
I can say
That I did love you
And that I truly never knew
What hate was before you
I used it way to often
Without even knowing
The true extent
That it can get.
You dumped me
Both of the times
And yet to this day
Or at least yesterday
I've gotten all of the crap
From everyone
From you
And even myself
I cant believe what has happened
I cant believe what I've done
I've become the oppposite
And I hate to admit it
Yea I have said I've changed
But I admit less then I should
It's because of you
That I'm scared.
I'm scared to be real
I'm scared to be in another "real"
Relationship.
I've had my fair share
Of bad boyfriends
But you,
You just ruined it.
I don't even say love.
Not more then a friend
It's because of you,
That when I look through old pictures
Of us from last year,
Or even summer,
I break down and cry.
It's because of you,
That I've become this
This...this shell
I hate it
And I hope you know
This all.
Cause from now on
I know the truth
Your fucking nothing.
And you diserve exactly that...

Go Ahead.

Go ahead and say you hate me. Go and tell the world how I ruined you. I fucking double dare you too. You're a ball-less little piece of  insignificant crap and I really can care less what happens to you now. Jackass. I've had countless people hate me, diss me, and do tons of other shit. Yea it bothered me. Yea it bugged me. But you sir' are nothing. Just leave. You're nothing to me now. And you never, ever will be again.
I'm different, I've changed. I won't let guys like you get to me anymore god dammit. Fuck you.

It's Real. Believe me...

Tonight I've helped yet another truly close friend of mine through extremly tough times for them. I love this dude as much as someone can love their close friends. <3 And I'm never going to ditch or leave him after everything that has gone down tonight.

Yes the phone call was a surprise to me, but the reasoning behind it was nothing new. I knew the minute I heard him speak to me on it that somethings not right.
And boy was I right.

I have to say something...
I've been through this way to many times
With way to many people I care deeply for/about...
Suicide.Is.Real.
And it's scary.

Being suicidal doesn't mean you're stupid
Doesn't make you an outcast
It doesn't mean you're not human.

All it is,
Is your mind reacting in the best way it figures
But thing is,
It's not at all the best solution to you're problems.

It hurts not just yourself
But the people that love you.
And some may say,
"No one truly loves me though"
Thats just about as true as the statment
"When pigs fly"

In this world,
Everyone has at least 1 person who loves/cares for them
Everyone.

My poem
"We Are Mario"
Kind of explains some of it..
But unless you've been there..
I don't know how I'd explain it to someone like you..

Just please.
If you know someone like I'm talking about in this post.
Help them out.
Talk, Listen, Care about. Do something. But nothing that would avert or grab attention towards them.
Believe me,
Its the last thing they'd truly want..

I'll call him adorable
And he'll say thanks

I'll call him a cutie
And he'll say Im lying

I'll say he's a sweetheart
and he'll simply smile and say shucks.

I'll always be there whenever he needs me

I'll always talk to him throughout the day

And my friends will always say how we should date...

But come yesterday...

I'll help him for his next date.

It's just....(Oh how many times I've heard people say this..)

Why is that I always rush into things...
That I always "think ahead"...
I always think something
Thats completly wrong?
It's just how I've become to be I guess...

Why is that I fall so quickly
For someone who I think is perfect
And even if he isn't...
I make it seem like he is...
It's just how I make things look I guess...

I know it's only been awhile
And that you think of me as a sweetheart.
But I see you as more
A lot more to be true...
But why is that....
I'm not like that to you?

I guesss....It's just....
The place of the "sister" role...
All over again....

"We Are Mario" :Me

Where will we go now?
Where will this go now?
On this path of self destruction...
Of loose insanity.
"Opportunities Knocking!"
But can we all even answer?

This is like a game of Mario
Cement blocks, obsticles, and others,
All in the way.
What do you do
With only a single life left?
When that life,
Isn't even yours...

This game of life thats on "play"
Has no pause,
No Rewind,
And no fast-forwarding a level.
Only a begining and an end,
With a journey in between.
I love you half to death...
So please,
For me,
Keep playing.

Well lets see....

1) I broke it off with Freshman cause it just wasn't working out. I have a lot of shi going on right now regarding my health and grades and fencing and family. I just don't need the added stress. Also, figure that the feelings started to fade quite a bit just within two weeks cause of just too much in so little time. Im not use to it and I don't want to be. I cant handle the over-protectiveness or the clinginess or just...gah! I just couldn't do it anymore...

Don't get me wrong though. I did care for him. Not once did I only use him. Never would I have ever done that to an innocent kid like him. He's too sweet for that, believe me. I know I hurt him but he's an amazing guy...he'll be fine given some time to cool off again. We both need space, otherwise nothing will change. We need to grow apart.

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2) Other then that going on, I have my head & back. Fun! -_-' I even hadda skip practice and start being on Tylenol and Advil and Asprin cause of everything..I know I know. I've complained about it for awhile, but I finnally said something about it. And it just keeps getting worse... =\ I fucking hate it...

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3) No ps3 for awhile. Not till my day long headaches subside for awhile...I know I have to check something but honestly, it can wait. I want to fix my friendships, but even that can take a break. I needa focus on my health first...cause untill I straigten that shit out, Im gonna have an even harder time with grades & fencing. And I mean really, if either of them wanted to be my friends, they'd know how to reach me & tell me otherwise. Texting, facebook or in person if not through a gaming system...

This is what My mind is..

 I know what I did was harsh
I know how I treated you was never right
Not from the start
I was never right
Then again when am I?
I'm seen so differently then what I see
Whenever I happen to look in a mirror
I wish you could see how I see things
I wish you
Might hear everything like me
Maybe then
Just maybe you would
Truly understand me

Not for what I've been
Not for what I could've done
And definatly not for what I have been through
Its honestly true
Everyones life
Is their own story
How do you think they all end?
Not everyones has magical fairy tales
I think looking around
Thats pretty dammed evident

I can't believe some of the shit I've done
And I really wish I didn't see something that I have
I wish memories washed away easily
Some of them at least
Just some

Three words
Just three
Have so much meaning behind them
And so many different iterpritations
It's incredable really
How could you abuse them?

I look back and  tremble
I hide behind a meer shadow
A fucking shadow...
And when I pop my head around its barrier
I drop
And I cry...
I can't believe all of this.
I just cant...

What could I have done
What could anyone have done
To diserve this
To make these kinds of humans
Our own flesh and blood...
Mixed together over time
To create monsters

Our Minds.
Our Hearts.
Our Souls.

All are simple tools...
To complexly made...
By what?
Some say god,
Others say science...
I don't truly see a side to belive in completly..
But whichever it might be..
We're only to blame...

Everyone
Every single someone
Even the no-bodies
Diserve to know
That their not alone
No one ever truly is

Your own story
Is exactly that
Your's.

Everyone has layers to them

1- Top: Protective layer & Usually a fake or altered form of them
2- A shield
3- Middle: The shadow they use to see through. Usually knowing their wrong for doing so. But can't stop...
4- Them: Crying in the mere ideas their fake self has done..

This
This is our reality now...
No way around this bend..
But turn around..
Who's at your shoulder?
A friend.
One friend.
Two?
Now you know why you're here..

Whats new?

Continuing off of the last post regarding my new years resolution to amend old friendships, it's gone pretty good I guess. The only down side is that, combining it with everything else going on right now, and the fact that one of the "Amends" I'm trying, isn't exactly working out so well. it's stressful. Kyles pretty much the only one who hasn't responded to me yet and I've wrote out everything I've felt regarding him, me and everything. Reasons I wanna be friends again and all. And still nothing...I spoke to Darien about it to. He asked Lopez to speak to Kyle about speaking to me again. And since then, not a word about the subject from him. But I have quit bugging Kyle about it. I can sorta take a hint....just the reasoning bothers me...

Anywayz, Fencing (Girls' Team) won our first Meet this year! Against Fairlawn too. =] Me & Kiara got our Varsity patch to. It helped me to actually smile after everything that went down after lunch...mainly dad but still.

And I'm having doubts regarding me & Freshman.....I really don't see "us" going anywhere...it's kind of a big bother now actually.... =\

For A First: A New Year's Resolution.

I've never actually made a true new years resolution before to be honest. Yea, those little kid ones you hear about in school. Thos for good tidings and cheer and all of that honest to god bullcrap stuff we learn about when we're young. Usually I say I don't make them because I wouldn't remember them, which is true. But with this, I'm gonna actually try to mend and keep.

My Resolution is to mend/fix/repair/re-create most of the friendships I've had that I today wish I still had.
-Kyles
-Blakes
-Keps
-Dustin
-Christine

And also to not be so hostile and rude to those who may have ruined my middle school fun&memories, but to let go and move on. Not be rude because of minor past drama bs. Let time go and just enjoy it. Ya know?

So lets see where this goes....1st one on the list? Kyle...

My Best Friend.Ever.

This here, this is my best friend in thee entire world. Vincent Buonanno. =] <3 I love this kid beyond comparision to anyone else. And always will, no matter what. I don't care what anyone says or thinks about him, their wrong to think negativly about this kid right here. He's thee best dude I've ever met. And I know people may think I say that only cause I see him as my best friend, but its not just that. I'd say it even if we weren't. I owe so much to this kid right here, it's not funny. He's the best person ever. And I mean that. Ever. [= He's smart, funny, compassionate, helpfull, kind, sweet, random, strong, hard-working, passionate, caring, understanding, and just a lot more then he probably even realizes himself.

I know I've made my fair share of mistakes, I've probably taken him for granted a few times, I've probably treated him like shit more then once, and I can be just a flat out bitch without warning or true reason. But he, he's still there. And I hope that he always will be. <3

The shit that most people say they would do with a time machine is nothing for me. I'd honestly just go back to my 8th grade year. Simply so I'd be able to hangout with this kid as much as I wish I could now. Any mood, I'd simply be able to run over to his house, hangout & talk. And everything would be ok for the time being. I just really miss those days is all.

I'm so glad I did one smart thing in my past at least and thats chose him over Emily. And the fact he let me talk to him about everything they said that day to me, was amazing. It really meant a lot to me. And it made me give him A LOT of respect. I learned what a real friend is because of him. And how to ditch the fake failures who called themselves friends. He's taught me a lot more since then too. (:

I guess, all-in-all, theres really only one big thing I look forward too. Well, two techinocoly. (Yes, I can't spell.) And thats:
1) Him visiting again this summer =]
2) MY trip to see him after senior year for the whole damn summer. <3

He's the best person in my life. Wheather I have a boyfriend or not. He's #1 and always will be. =]

Freakin' Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring

This kid is seriously amazing. Honestly. We all hungout yesterday at the mall. Tom, Me, Darien, Niko and his current girlfriend Rachel. Yea, it might've not have been my best idea ever inviting Niko and Tom but it wasn't all bad. Cause once Darien left around 4 and Niko not to shortly after with Rachel, it was just me & him. =] We ended up going back to my house and just hanging out. We got to learn a lot about each other too. We got to just hangout in my room and watch TV on my bed cuddling and stuff. We talked about our pasts a bit and we told each other most of our honest feelings.

I said "Just to think, Darien's hypothetical questions became real"
He said "Yea" and smiles, resting his head on my pillow looking over at me.
I said "I have a question though" and look over eagerly
He says "Yes?"
I ask "If it weren't for Darien, would you have eventually asked me? Or no?" and lay my head down beside his.
He replies "Eventually yea.." and looks up at the ceiling.
I ask "How long would it have taken? I'm just really curious"
He says "Probably awhile....like February? Yea probably.." and smiles looking back down at me.
I ask quickly "So you liked me before?"
He says "Yea" and blushes
I said happily "I've liked you for awhile too" and hide my face in the pillow blushing.
He looks over, tilts my head back to look at his and kisses me, "I love you now though" and holds me close.

He really, honestly is perfect. Yea our pasts aren't the bests but our futures are extremely bright now as long as we have each other. We have everything in each other. And no matter who you are, you must know me if you're reading this. And you KNOW I'm not one to easily say that. I'm | | that close to saying that I love him. And thats just not something I'm use to. At all. It's just that, he really knows how to make me smile and laugh and just feel special. I feel unbelievable when I'm near him, let alone with him having his arms around me. I love this, and I think I love him. <3

You can call me many names
You can tell me many things
You can do many things to me
Doesn't mean they'll have any meaning behind them
And it's simply because they don't
That I can say I don't care

So honestly dear.
I'm so much happier right now then I've been in awhile.
So If you may,
Please.
Just go away
And leave me be.

I'm better off
With someone who both means what they say
And say what they mean.
Specially if they mean something to me too.
Unlike you.
<3

He's My Reality Now =]♥

He says "Im sorry if I say that I love you to much or if Im to possesive. Just tell me and I'll tone it down"
I tell him "No honestly. It's cute. I don't mind it. Believe me" and smile.
He says "I only say it cause I really do mean it. I do love you." and kisses my head.
I tell him "I know boo. And I will say it when I really know I can mean it too."
He says "You've been hurt a lot havn't you? Thats why you don't say it so soon."
I say "Yea. I have. But I don't think it'll happen with you."
He says "I know it wont." and holds me.

I really can't believe it's less then a week with him, and how amazing he already is. Sure he's only a freshman but he's 15. And he's mine and makes me feel real. A lot more then most can. I feel really lucky to be with someone like him. I really, really do. =] I'm unbelieveably happy when I'm near him. And with him by my side, I'll always know that Im safe. He stands up for me against anyone. Something no other boyfriend of mine ever did truly. (: And we're not rushing stuff either. We've only started to kiss and those aren't too common. I love how this is working out. And I think it won't be too long before I can say I love him. But when I do say it to him, I'll really mean it.

As for every other one of my daily creepers saying it to me, just stop. I'm finally happy. Now go away. <3

This post, isn't like the rest. I'm not exactly myself and im letting my mind do all the thinking and all the typing.

All I can really say is that what im doing isnt the right thing and i know it isnt. but i continue to go with the flow and i cant handle everything. im trying to be tougher then i usually show myself to be by keeping stuff inside and im learning the hard way that doesnt work very well. i cant do everything im expected. i cant do everything i want. i dont have true control over have th stuff i end up to do. I dont know what it is but I do it anyway. dont get me wrong, its nothing along the lines of what ur probably thinking but its not too far off. I think to myself and there are different "voices" sorta speak, in my head and mind.its not a true sickness only a mess of ones mind. and sure i usually say Im not in the right mind bu when i say that now, i mean it. i dont gety much. Imma mess. But I try to help everyone and right now, thats crashing in on me. I guess some of you will say that it's what I diserve but I actually agree. I want something to happen with a certain person, but im pushing along that and another. idk what to do at this point. I know i shouldnt complain of my own personal problems. and that many people, many that i even know of, have way bigger issues. ive been through hell in my opinion and I dont want peoples sympathy. its the 1 thing i loathe. sure it feels good but it does eat away at a person inner mind of their soul. And by this point, I dont have much of sucha soul left to eat away at. one of these days, i know whats gonna happen. Im gonna end up crawling back to the person and shell i use to hide in/behind. And Im going to regret it...

It was only just a dream...

It's Tuesday, second day of fencing practice and of morning HSPA classes. Also the very last day of November. And things are all ready getting outta hand...

Me & Freshman have actually hungout this past weekend with Darien. And it honestly was amazing. Put me in one of the better moods I've been in lately and helped me think that I actually have a chance with him. Darien's the only one I truly keep up-to-date on this with details and stuff but cha. Darien's trying to help me with him.

I've started talking to Kep again. It's been 2-3 days and it's already like o.o and yeaaaa....
I forgave him for his past. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold many grudges to anyone if I can help it. But he's kinda acting like he use to with me before. Just....without Joe being there to interfere and "claim" me. I don't know what to believe. I do like him, not to much, but very slightly. It's just the fact of past shit he's done and what I know could happen I guess. I don't know what to do. I'm going to try to stick with Freshman for now and hope it works out. But at this point, I really don't know what to expect. And it kinda scares me...
Does/will Freshman actually like me?
Do I even how a chance?
If not, what about Kep?
Will I end up with him?
What would happen?
What'll people think?
Will it be worth it?
Stay tuned to find out...