"We Are Mario" :Me

Where will we go now?
Where will this go now?
On this path of self destruction...
Of loose insanity.
"Opportunities Knocking!"
But can we all even answer?

This is like a game of Mario
Cement blocks, obsticles, and others,
All in the way.
What do you do
With only a single life left?
When that life,
Isn't even yours...

This game of life thats on "play"
Has no pause,
No Rewind,
And no fast-forwarding a level.
Only a begining and an end,
With a journey in between.
I love you half to death...
So please,
For me,
Keep playing.

Well lets see....

1) I broke it off with Freshman cause it just wasn't working out. I have a lot of shi going on right now regarding my health and grades and fencing and family. I just don't need the added stress. Also, figure that the feelings started to fade quite a bit just within two weeks cause of just too much in so little time. Im not use to it and I don't want to be. I cant handle the over-protectiveness or the clinginess or just...gah! I just couldn't do it anymore...

Don't get me wrong though. I did care for him. Not once did I only use him. Never would I have ever done that to an innocent kid like him. He's too sweet for that, believe me. I know I hurt him but he's an amazing guy...he'll be fine given some time to cool off again. We both need space, otherwise nothing will change. We need to grow apart.

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2) Other then that going on, I have my head & back. Fun! -_-' I even hadda skip practice and start being on Tylenol and Advil and Asprin cause of everything..I know I know. I've complained about it for awhile, but I finnally said something about it. And it just keeps getting worse... =\ I fucking hate it...

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3) No ps3 for awhile. Not till my day long headaches subside for awhile...I know I have to check something but honestly, it can wait. I want to fix my friendships, but even that can take a break. I needa focus on my health first...cause untill I straigten that shit out, Im gonna have an even harder time with grades & fencing. And I mean really, if either of them wanted to be my friends, they'd know how to reach me & tell me otherwise. Texting, facebook or in person if not through a gaming system...

This is what My mind is..

 I know what I did was harsh
I know how I treated you was never right
Not from the start
I was never right
Then again when am I?
I'm seen so differently then what I see
Whenever I happen to look in a mirror
I wish you could see how I see things
I wish you
Might hear everything like me
Maybe then
Just maybe you would
Truly understand me

Not for what I've been
Not for what I could've done
And definatly not for what I have been through
Its honestly true
Everyones life
Is their own story
How do you think they all end?
Not everyones has magical fairy tales
I think looking around
Thats pretty dammed evident

I can't believe some of the shit I've done
And I really wish I didn't see something that I have
I wish memories washed away easily
Some of them at least
Just some

Three words
Just three
Have so much meaning behind them
And so many different iterpritations
It's incredable really
How could you abuse them?

I look back and  tremble
I hide behind a meer shadow
A fucking shadow...
And when I pop my head around its barrier
I drop
And I cry...
I can't believe all of this.
I just cant...

What could I have done
What could anyone have done
To diserve this
To make these kinds of humans
Our own flesh and blood...
Mixed together over time
To create monsters

Our Minds.
Our Hearts.
Our Souls.

All are simple tools...
To complexly made...
By what?
Some say god,
Others say science...
I don't truly see a side to belive in completly..
But whichever it might be..
We're only to blame...

Everyone
Every single someone
Even the no-bodies
Diserve to know
That their not alone
No one ever truly is

Your own story
Is exactly that
Your's.

Everyone has layers to them

1- Top: Protective layer & Usually a fake or altered form of them
2- A shield
3- Middle: The shadow they use to see through. Usually knowing their wrong for doing so. But can't stop...
4- Them: Crying in the mere ideas their fake self has done..

This
This is our reality now...
No way around this bend..
But turn around..
Who's at your shoulder?
A friend.
One friend.
Two?
Now you know why you're here..

Whats new?

Continuing off of the last post regarding my new years resolution to amend old friendships, it's gone pretty good I guess. The only down side is that, combining it with everything else going on right now, and the fact that one of the "Amends" I'm trying, isn't exactly working out so well. it's stressful. Kyles pretty much the only one who hasn't responded to me yet and I've wrote out everything I've felt regarding him, me and everything. Reasons I wanna be friends again and all. And still nothing...I spoke to Darien about it to. He asked Lopez to speak to Kyle about speaking to me again. And since then, not a word about the subject from him. But I have quit bugging Kyle about it. I can sorta take a hint....just the reasoning bothers me...

Anywayz, Fencing (Girls' Team) won our first Meet this year! Against Fairlawn too. =] Me & Kiara got our Varsity patch to. It helped me to actually smile after everything that went down after lunch...mainly dad but still.

And I'm having doubts regarding me & Freshman.....I really don't see "us" going anywhere...it's kind of a big bother now actually.... =\

For A First: A New Year's Resolution.

I've never actually made a true new years resolution before to be honest. Yea, those little kid ones you hear about in school. Thos for good tidings and cheer and all of that honest to god bullcrap stuff we learn about when we're young. Usually I say I don't make them because I wouldn't remember them, which is true. But with this, I'm gonna actually try to mend and keep.

My Resolution is to mend/fix/repair/re-create most of the friendships I've had that I today wish I still had.
-Kyles
-Blakes
-Keps
-Dustin
-Christine

And also to not be so hostile and rude to those who may have ruined my middle school fun&memories, but to let go and move on. Not be rude because of minor past drama bs. Let time go and just enjoy it. Ya know?

So lets see where this goes....1st one on the list? Kyle...

My Best Friend.Ever.

This here, this is my best friend in thee entire world. Vincent Buonanno. =] <3 I love this kid beyond comparision to anyone else. And always will, no matter what. I don't care what anyone says or thinks about him, their wrong to think negativly about this kid right here. He's thee best dude I've ever met. And I know people may think I say that only cause I see him as my best friend, but its not just that. I'd say it even if we weren't. I owe so much to this kid right here, it's not funny. He's the best person ever. And I mean that. Ever. [= He's smart, funny, compassionate, helpfull, kind, sweet, random, strong, hard-working, passionate, caring, understanding, and just a lot more then he probably even realizes himself.

I know I've made my fair share of mistakes, I've probably taken him for granted a few times, I've probably treated him like shit more then once, and I can be just a flat out bitch without warning or true reason. But he, he's still there. And I hope that he always will be. <3

The shit that most people say they would do with a time machine is nothing for me. I'd honestly just go back to my 8th grade year. Simply so I'd be able to hangout with this kid as much as I wish I could now. Any mood, I'd simply be able to run over to his house, hangout & talk. And everything would be ok for the time being. I just really miss those days is all.

I'm so glad I did one smart thing in my past at least and thats chose him over Emily. And the fact he let me talk to him about everything they said that day to me, was amazing. It really meant a lot to me. And it made me give him A LOT of respect. I learned what a real friend is because of him. And how to ditch the fake failures who called themselves friends. He's taught me a lot more since then too. (:

I guess, all-in-all, theres really only one big thing I look forward too. Well, two techinocoly. (Yes, I can't spell.) And thats:
1) Him visiting again this summer =]
2) MY trip to see him after senior year for the whole damn summer. <3

He's the best person in my life. Wheather I have a boyfriend or not. He's #1 and always will be. =]

Freakin' Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring

This kid is seriously amazing. Honestly. We all hungout yesterday at the mall. Tom, Me, Darien, Niko and his current girlfriend Rachel. Yea, it might've not have been my best idea ever inviting Niko and Tom but it wasn't all bad. Cause once Darien left around 4 and Niko not to shortly after with Rachel, it was just me & him. =] We ended up going back to my house and just hanging out. We got to learn a lot about each other too. We got to just hangout in my room and watch TV on my bed cuddling and stuff. We talked about our pasts a bit and we told each other most of our honest feelings.

I said "Just to think, Darien's hypothetical questions became real"
He said "Yea" and smiles, resting his head on my pillow looking over at me.
I said "I have a question though" and look over eagerly
He says "Yes?"
I ask "If it weren't for Darien, would you have eventually asked me? Or no?" and lay my head down beside his.
He replies "Eventually yea.." and looks up at the ceiling.
I ask "How long would it have taken? I'm just really curious"
He says "Probably awhile....like February? Yea probably.." and smiles looking back down at me.
I ask quickly "So you liked me before?"
He says "Yea" and blushes
I said happily "I've liked you for awhile too" and hide my face in the pillow blushing.
He looks over, tilts my head back to look at his and kisses me, "I love you now though" and holds me close.

He really, honestly is perfect. Yea our pasts aren't the bests but our futures are extremely bright now as long as we have each other. We have everything in each other. And no matter who you are, you must know me if you're reading this. And you KNOW I'm not one to easily say that. I'm | | that close to saying that I love him. And thats just not something I'm use to. At all. It's just that, he really knows how to make me smile and laugh and just feel special. I feel unbelievable when I'm near him, let alone with him having his arms around me. I love this, and I think I love him. <3

You can call me many names
You can tell me many things
You can do many things to me
Doesn't mean they'll have any meaning behind them
And it's simply because they don't
That I can say I don't care

So honestly dear.
I'm so much happier right now then I've been in awhile.
So If you may,
Please.
Just go away
And leave me be.

I'm better off
With someone who both means what they say
And say what they mean.
Specially if they mean something to me too.
Unlike you.
<3

He's My Reality Now =]♥

He says "Im sorry if I say that I love you to much or if Im to possesive. Just tell me and I'll tone it down"
I tell him "No honestly. It's cute. I don't mind it. Believe me" and smile.
He says "I only say it cause I really do mean it. I do love you." and kisses my head.
I tell him "I know boo. And I will say it when I really know I can mean it too."
He says "You've been hurt a lot havn't you? Thats why you don't say it so soon."
I say "Yea. I have. But I don't think it'll happen with you."
He says "I know it wont." and holds me.

I really can't believe it's less then a week with him, and how amazing he already is. Sure he's only a freshman but he's 15. And he's mine and makes me feel real. A lot more then most can. I feel really lucky to be with someone like him. I really, really do. =] I'm unbelieveably happy when I'm near him. And with him by my side, I'll always know that Im safe. He stands up for me against anyone. Something no other boyfriend of mine ever did truly. (: And we're not rushing stuff either. We've only started to kiss and those aren't too common. I love how this is working out. And I think it won't be too long before I can say I love him. But when I do say it to him, I'll really mean it.

As for every other one of my daily creepers saying it to me, just stop. I'm finally happy. Now go away. <3

This post, isn't like the rest. I'm not exactly myself and im letting my mind do all the thinking and all the typing.

All I can really say is that what im doing isnt the right thing and i know it isnt. but i continue to go with the flow and i cant handle everything. im trying to be tougher then i usually show myself to be by keeping stuff inside and im learning the hard way that doesnt work very well. i cant do everything im expected. i cant do everything i want. i dont have true control over have th stuff i end up to do. I dont know what it is but I do it anyway. dont get me wrong, its nothing along the lines of what ur probably thinking but its not too far off. I think to myself and there are different "voices" sorta speak, in my head and mind.its not a true sickness only a mess of ones mind. and sure i usually say Im not in the right mind bu when i say that now, i mean it. i dont gety much. Imma mess. But I try to help everyone and right now, thats crashing in on me. I guess some of you will say that it's what I diserve but I actually agree. I want something to happen with a certain person, but im pushing along that and another. idk what to do at this point. I know i shouldnt complain of my own personal problems. and that many people, many that i even know of, have way bigger issues. ive been through hell in my opinion and I dont want peoples sympathy. its the 1 thing i loathe. sure it feels good but it does eat away at a person inner mind of their soul. And by this point, I dont have much of sucha soul left to eat away at. one of these days, i know whats gonna happen. Im gonna end up crawling back to the person and shell i use to hide in/behind. And Im going to regret it...

It was only just a dream...

It's Tuesday, second day of fencing practice and of morning HSPA classes. Also the very last day of November. And things are all ready getting outta hand...

Me & Freshman have actually hungout this past weekend with Darien. And it honestly was amazing. Put me in one of the better moods I've been in lately and helped me think that I actually have a chance with him. Darien's the only one I truly keep up-to-date on this with details and stuff but cha. Darien's trying to help me with him.

I've started talking to Kep again. It's been 2-3 days and it's already like o.o and yeaaaa....
I forgave him for his past. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold many grudges to anyone if I can help it. But he's kinda acting like he use to with me before. Just....without Joe being there to interfere and "claim" me. I don't know what to believe. I do like him, not to much, but very slightly. It's just the fact of past shit he's done and what I know could happen I guess. I don't know what to do. I'm going to try to stick with Freshman for now and hope it works out. But at this point, I really don't know what to expect. And it kinda scares me...
Does/will Freshman actually like me?
Do I even how a chance?
If not, what about Kep?
Will I end up with him?
What would happen?
What'll people think?
Will it be worth it?
Stay tuned to find out...

"Forever Gone" - Me

 Let me just begin with saying
I have changed
That part was true
But apparently
Not much else was
You left me
But I get all the blame
In your eyes
And even your pathetic mind
I can't believe
Or think back to anything
Good I saw in a person like you
You've lied through your teeth
You've lied through your promises
And you played with my emotions
I trusted you
And it's because I did
That the truth eventually came out
Was I honestly a puppet?
Why did I keep it up?
I played your little games
I listened and believe everything you said
Sure we had our ups & downs
But in the end
At that time anyway,
We always went back to ok
But count up those times
I shouldve woke up sooner
A lot sooner
I can't believe how naive I was
To even get close to a person
You now show yourself to be
Hypocrtical
Lying
Depressing
Attention Seeking
Clueless
Fake.
I can't believe I finally woke up
Even with your apologizes
Which were simply skin deep
No emotion behind them
You really should go into acting
Cause you'd be perfect
A great preformance
But nothing else but a preformance
I hope you fucking know
You've replaced the one person I hate
Yea, congradulations
I'm forever gone.

What'd I do now?

Well lets see, today's the 15th and it's NOT a fun day what so ever.

Yea I'm passing every class now.
Spanish : 77
History : Something in the B range.
Algerbra II Basic : 70
Ecology: 74
Gym : C range probably
Photo: B range
English High C, low B's.

But otherwise, in my actually daily life (friends, family, personal, etc.) everything is not so well.

My mind is a very scary place right now.
I don't have many "real" friends.
Scruffy&Dustin is just like......GAH and and what the fuck, specially after yesterday....... =\
Freshman situation....
The usual family bullshit.
And just FUN times.
-_-

Darien's honestly starting to get on my nerves too. And I think he's realizing it. He keeps saying he's depressed and upset and feels like crap but he has NO fucking clue. Honestly. I barely do, forget him.
Blehhhhh

Dentist is after school today too and I know thats not going to end well. Mom doesn't get why I say it won't either. Which is like "....wow...really?" Seeing how many times Ive gone in for a cleaning to come out either grounded, in HUGE fucking pain, or crying.... fun. Yay for genetics!!

I also have Anime Club right before that too. Yay. I'm allowing Evan to come back for a meeting and as long as he behaves eh can stay. Otherwise, he is permanently banned. And he can't complain anymore about us being truly "un-fair."

Oh...and did I mention I already feel like crap? Yea. Add that in too....

Continuation of the last post...

Turns out Freshman couldn't hangout cause he had to go straight home cause of something with his sister. So I hugged him and told him to go and I hungout for awhile with Julie & Erica.

Once they got home I had to walk home myself cause dad (as always) works late Fridays. But I figured I'd see if Darien or Casey could hangout, and it ended up being a no, but me spending the entire walk home talking to Casey. My sissis. =] Amazing seeing we havn't truly talked for too long lately.

And the rest of the day was pretty much spent home talking to Dustin & Scruffy. Let me just say that I love them, but thier freakin' hilarious with the stunts they pull. xD

Good day all-in-all in the end. (:

What will come next?

Well it's Friday already....and it's 7th period....

Today after school I'm hanging out Freshman. And for those of you who don't know who that is, it's my friend Tom.

I'm staying after school too, so I can wait for him to get out of Detention. Then we're gonna walk to my place or hangout or something once he is done. He isn't staying to long, otherwise I'd say to watch a movie. But yea, he has a dinner to go to with family or w/e at 6, so he's leaving around 5:30. I really wonder whats going to happen with him and myself....

Anyways, Me & Dustin are doing pretty good. Though I don't really trust myself much but he's worth it. He means A LOT to me....a lot....and I'm gonna keep this as long as I can. He's just too perfect.

Me & Scruffy are amazing friends and we're even more open. Though after last nights little incident with Monica, Joe is now completely on his shit list. Congrada-fucking-lations.Dumbass.....not my fight anymore. You wanna play the lying game, let it fucking begin. I don't need you and I never actually did. Scruffy is the one person that I'd risk my life for truly without a second thought to it and he's the one person I can trust completely. I love him and you, you we're just a mistake. An 8 month mistake. So go fuck yourself. Please & thank you.

I'll write more to this later.....

"A Girl And Her Cat" By: Me (Part one)

There once was a girl named Elli. Her and her boyfriend Marco were living together in this run-down old house in Midtown Canada.Elli was a beautiful, red headed, wild punk rocker kind of chick. While Marco was more quiet, friendly but the lead singer to his own personal band "The What's?"Both were young, being only in their mid  twenty's.

One day, Elli awoke to a weird purring noise. Getting up realizing her boyfriend wasn't beside her, or even home, she got her robe on and went to see what it was. She went to her front door and opened it to see a basket. Pulling the sheets off it, finding nothing. She held the basket and turned to close the door, to see a baby bobcat starring back at her. She leaned down and it dashed away. Looking all over her house looking for the strange cat, she was also pondering the question, "Where was Marco?"
Two or three hours later she had given up her frantic search. While blasting her new "Black Veil Brides" playlist on her ipod speakers, she finds a note on the floor.

"Dear Marco,
          Haii sweety. Thanks for all your help the other night. I feel a lot better now. =] Your amazing. See you next week! *kisses*

                                                                                                                  Love,
                                                                                                              <3 Patrisha."

To her shock, she realized the name. It was Marco's ex girlfriend. Marco hadn't mentioned her to Elli lately though. But he has been gone a lot more often. Elli thought to herself, "....could her really be cheating...on me...?" Shaking off the thought of it, the mysterious bob-cat re-appeared.

This time she had sat down and the cat jumped onto her lap and lied down purring loudly. Elli sat there, with the strange cat on her her lap asleep, for the most of the remaining day. For once in her life, she could relax. At least until Marco gets home...

5 Things to 5 different people.

1: Scruffy:
You are my bestest friend & my only true little brother. Yea you moved, but we havn't changed much. Nothing will ever come between us or change how we are. If it weren't for you, I'd be in a much worse condtition probably. I owe you so much and your the best person ever. You know me better then everyone else and you still havn't ditched me yet. I trust you more then anyone and everyone. And I love you as much as I possibly could for a bestestest friend. So please just don't ever change. =]

2: Darien:
You're an oddball but I love you non the less. Your my best friend when it comes to being in-state and it shall stay that way. You've been there for me since High School started and I hope it stays the same way throughout. You know alot about me and I think I know alot about you as well. Your a very entertainingly, funny&caring kid. And your are my onee-chan. =]

3: Joanna:
Your my best friend when it comes to being a chick. You can handle more personal stuff then most people I've met. You know how to give some of the greatest adivce. And your honesty is one of your best characteristics. Your there for me and anyone else who truly needs you and your also extremly caring. Yea your a bit more girly but that makes you more you. I love you daughter. <3

4: Casey:
You've been my Sissis for as long as I can remember in regards to Middle School Casey. You've been there the longest out of most people I've known since I've moved here. You know the true old me and you understand the changes I've gone through. You don't judge others and I love you for it. Your completly sweethearted and understand and the prettier & smarter form of myself. (; I trust you more the I do most people. And yea, we don't really get many chances to talk or hangout but come fencing season and that will all change once again. I love you Sissis. <3

5: Dustin:
You're the newest addition to my circle of best friends. And yea I am yet to meet you, but you've bee my buddy since before summer even truly started. You know a few things about me but your extremly open with me and that gives me a sense of security with you. You're there most of the time when I need someone and I try to be there as much as I can for you back. We talk more then most people that I even know in real life. Your so adorable&sweet it's unbelieveable. [= Thank you so much for cheering me up babe. Love chu buttercup. <3

Why...why...and simply why...

Last night was the start of Halloween week. It's a time for scary movies, lots and lots of candy, costumes, blood and all the nightmares to come real. And I think that is exactly happening...

Yesterday was Joanna's Halloween pumpkin carving party. A few people went. And I, as usual had been texting Dustin since we both woke up earlier that day. I had told Joanna the night before the party I would show her some of our texts. Cause their just to freakin' adorable.


So I showed her some messages before anyone else got there. And she started texting him from my phone saying how cute we we're and how "we're so in love" and everything. And he was really happy. But I took my phone back and had apologized. Later on, and I mean hours later, Joanna, I and everyone were at Duck Park by her house. And she saw we were still texting. She kept saying we're dating. I asked her to simply explain her logic and she told me. It made a lot of sense. But thing I wasn't so happy or anxious about...was telling Scruffy.

I had liked Dustin for a few days, and he's liked me since the begining pretty much. Within the first two weeks he said. So we kinda ended up asking the other out in the time me and everyone were at the park. I'm, even now, not sure what the fuck to do. Cause, I do really like him. But I'm making everything worse between me and Scruffy. And he absolutely, without a doubt in my mind, means the fucking world to me. If he isn't happy, I'm not. At all. I owe him my life by now and I honestly mean that. He is my best friend and family. If me, not dating Dustin, makes things better, then...I'll do it. Sure, it'd be really hard...but I would.

Scruffy and Dustin are talking after school today about this and me and everything going on...and if Dustin screws up once...Scruffy will snap. And I do mean it. I would call him right after I get outta school...but I have a half day. They get out at 2:20 I believe. I told Scruffy to call me right after school. And I'll remember when Dustin text's me after he gets out. Which is right before Scruffy.

People with mental problems are STILL people.

Okie. Let me just say this now. For whoever is reading this, I do have to trust you. The youngest of my older brothers is, in fact, a schizophrenik. So I do know what I'm talking about when I say this. I've had first hand experience. Even a few of my close friends happen to suffer from other kinds of mental problems.

Let me tell you that I can not fucking stand the fucking ignorance of people today and in general. You may not exactly be like this but I'm talking as a whole.

When you run into someone who has any kind of mental issue or handicap to them, you don't walk away as if it's nothing. But you don't stand there, pointing (or even pretending to in some cases) to make them feel like an outcast. Just like most people, they aren't attention hogs, nor do they want to be. Their just like everyone else. They do have feelings you know.

I know I must sound like a fucking teacher or counserlour or something, but what I'm saying is so beyond true. And I'm sick of seeing all this happen.

One of my best friends, along with my own brother, have delt with SO much crap from people. In fact, my friend has to be HOME SCHOOLED because of a damn fucking breakdown caused by people he thought we're nice or even some friends.

So let me say this, if I EVER hear someone, wheather I know them or not, making fun of, joking around, or anything like that, about/to someone handicaped or menally ill, I will slap them. And tell them to knock it off or their painfully regret it. You might think I don't mean it. But I can sure as hell say you've never seen the worst of my temper.

Who could've thought I'd hold this composer for so long..

I can't stand my parents really. Specially with everything going on. And the shit in my own fucking mind.

 

I just can't everyones fucking bull crap. They dont know SHIT bout me or how my teachers are to me or any fucking thing and its all my fault right? Everyones fucking problems are my fault?
Oh and apparently my cousin is in jail. But I cant know why, how long, where or when he went or anything. Why? Cause they dont feel like fucking saying shit.

Oh and I cant hangout with James ever. Why? Mom doesnt like him. Why? Cause he has mental issues. Why? Apparently my fault.

Why is my photo project late? Cause I tried 3 times and it didnt expose right. Why havnt I tried again? Cause it has to be nice out AND not half a day. Why isnt handed in already? BECAUSE ITS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT!

I just cant keep doing this..

Baby Baby Blue Eyes Stay With Me By My Side

"I drive her home when she can't stand,
I like to think I'm a better man
For not lettin' her do what she's been, known to do.
She wears heels and she always falls,
Don't let her think she's a know-it-all.
But whatever she does wrong, it seems so right.
My eyes don't believe her,
But my heart, swears by her."
-Baby Blue Eyes : A Rocket To The Moon<3

I've been drawing.
I've been writing.
I just don't know whats going on. My mind wanders more then ever. And I'll think one thing & do the complelt and utter opposite. I don't want to think about things, but those are the only things in my mind. I've made some of the stupidest decisions and I've been acting wierder then normal. Some of my drawings have been kinda scaring me. Also, I seem to have OCD? What the fuckkkkkk. >.<

Even with Dustin&Scruffy by my side constantly, I still can't get my mood up any. I'm faking myself to everyone now and I fucking hate it. I want to be the go-with-the-flow girl I was earlier >.<

I'm honestly really scared. My minds going places it simply shouldn't. My angers getting the better of me. And I flirt way to fucking much. I don't want to know where this is heading..

I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows their composure...

"Dammit Freddie."
"No. Off."
"Shut up Freddie."
"Freddie I swear to god"
"Fucking cat get off."
Was it all a dream? Or was I really waking up every 10 minutes to Freddie on my lap biting me. I have no bite marks or scratches. So I honestly can't tell you. But I woke up before I actually got up. Somethings simply not right about today....

 So yea, thats how/what I had woken up too. And mom repeatedly screaming at me to get up & eat. Also noting the fact I was on the phone until 12:30-1 with Joe....fun. He's become more suicidal then ever. He actually tried. He hung head phones from the shower but they had snapped before doing any damage... =\
I honestly don't really care, but in some odd way I do all the way in the back of my mind. Like, I don't like him personally at all. But he shouldn't go an kill himself. And he's been missing school and cutting again.....-.-'
He said he didn't have to keep his promise to me cause I had broken my promise of always being with him. Sorry but times change and thats no accuse for you to be a fucking baby. And don't pull the "it's how I am and you know I can't change it. You of all people taught me that." Personality speaking, thats bull crap. Cutting & Killing yourself isn't natural. At all. It's a state of mind. Mind doesn't always equal personality. Get over yourself.

Other then that, school has been normal mostly. Menake let me skip the test today cause I wasn't in school Friday and the class tricked her into letting them take it today (Tuesday). So I got time to chill & write Noreen her note :3

Im not afriad.

"I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road"
-I'm Not Afriad - Eminem

These past couple of days have been interesting. Hanging out with mainly George & Jake still. Becoming kinda closer with Anthony. Talking to Darien a lot more again. Phone with Scruffy every night is once again a routine. And Joe finally is leaving me alone (mainly cause he deleted my number last night cause I still don't wanna talk to him and he got the hint into his head finally.) But yea. =] Things are goin' well.

Today was the poetry dodge festival thing for Literary Club's field trip. I was kind of the odd one out when it came to "Groups of 6" but We had 8 in our group seeing that Mike was the other odd one out.

I got 4 friendship braclets and their fucking epic. I really do love them. And I thought of Jake when I was buying the 2nd pair of them later on... :3 I wasn't sure if he'd want one though. I was going to the mall with him & George after we got back to school so I thought I'd get them for myself just incase he wouldn't take it later.

When we got back, me, George & Jake took the bus to his house & then mine. Dropped off our stuff & I got to change. (Funnnn..-sigh-) And we got a ride for George's dad. =] After awhile. Jake started to say I was looking bored and started putting his arm around me and poking me and staying by me and it made me feel really special. ^-^ Sorry if that's sad but it's true. Very..very true... :3

When we eventually got to the food court, Jake shared his meal with me and then got me one. =] And I took off one of the friendship braclets & grabbed his arm and tied it on. He was like "What the fuckkkkk? Why?" at first but then like 5 minutes later said he really loved it. ^-^ I was like :D lmaoo :P

And yea. We took thee bus home at like 7:30 and George went home & I decided to walk Jake up to the walk bridge thing. It was fucking DARK out. Neither of us could see anything. At all. And my phone & Ipod did like nothing to help that. -.- But yea. :3 He put his arm around me again. And we walked and I asked why we were like that and he said it was comfy and really nice. Im like yea and agreed happily. We got to the bridge and hugged (nothing new) And idk. It was just, really really nice this time. I could've sworn that we almost kissed at one point. >.> But nothing happened.

You're a hearltess bitch.

It's fun to have that to wake up to isn't it? It's perfect thing to wake up to, especially when it's by someone who supposedly says they love you. And then find out the person you have known to gone on rant after rant, go a whole night drunk off of his fucking ass, and above all, blaming you.
It's such a perfect world ain't it?

Well how about this. Fuck off and let me curse you out. Or leave me the hell alone. Give him that choice and see what he says. And either way. Leave. You don't have to deal with anyone like that especially when you have enough on your plate and mind as it is.
Fuck them.

And now your truly happier without the said person. You've got great friends, good friends and time to relax and not worry that something you say or do can be complained about by anyone you believe to matter.

You're also probably starting to think you like another person. But honestly hun, it's too early. Give yourself time. And I know this has gone through your head already but it's true. You don't wanna go through with any possible scenario's that have gone through your head just yet, if ever. You might possibly majorly regret it later on. And who knows, the person your thinking about, could become a best friend while your best friend now becomes the person of your dreams.

Let time be the decider. Not your mind.

My favorite color in the alphabet is 4

It's the first day of October and things are already starting to look brighter. Sure, last night wasn't the best cause of the break up (yes....again...) But hey. It was gonna happen eventually right? I even got to talk to Scruffy =] And I became better friends with my freshman Anthony. He's now my secondary note buddy. Darien's always gonna be the first and main one for thee year though. Cause, well, he's Darien. ^_^

 Jake & George are already saying I like different people. It's actually kind of funny. But I honestly don't like anyone. Nothing more then either cool or a good friend at least. None of that "oh he's cute" shit for a long time hopefully. I'd just rather not deal with that crap. I like being able to do shit on my own. [=

 Oh, and note to self, Don't go to red Lobster anytime soon. I don't like nor can eat any seafood. And plus, the only good part of it was the weather & fries with Caesar dressing. xD